until here...

someone asked, was i relieved that i said my part?

there's no happiness in hurting someone you really care for, even if what you're telling them is your honest-straight-hearty-goodness emotions--because you're hurt.

so the answer is NO. i am not relieved. and i am not happy.

neither am i proud of what i did but there are things you had to do as a friend.

when you feel things might be a problem in the long run, then I'd rather be the one to tell them, than 'other' people. because i would feel that i have let other people down as a friend if someone pointed it out to them.


(really, i expect my friend to tell me if i got my knickers all knotted in the back in everyone's full view, and not wait for other people to tell me themself.)

but "where" i did it was wrong.

even if it was done in love and gently as possible, i still look like an ass.

in hindsight, i am to blame if i end up as "sheila-no-mates". i scared and yes, put off present friends of how 'overbearing' i can be with telling off friends. but i thought if i privately tell off someone, i could be accused of hurting a person, when in all truth, i was telling them off nicely. so i thought, what i can tell to one friend, i can tell everyone.

but then, we do things, thinking they were right.

no matter how the intention, it comes fall flat on your face if you do things, garishly and irrationally...things you hate in the first place.


***

but all is not lost.

the person more than redeemed themself for being humble and ever apologetic.

which in all honesty very sweet.

so there goes I feeling guilty for having done it in the first place.

and yes, feeling like an ass.

there's my piece of humble pie for you..


***

and why am i closing this blog? because i want to share soooo much but i feel a little bit self conscious.

i have just done social media suicide with my outpouring of hurts and emotions , theres also that thing called "accept the consequences of your actions".

so this is me, hanging on a piece of string, all voluptuous 86 kgs of me.

tongue hanging out and still feeling like an ass.

in prison

the woods at work... where i normally park my car.. iphone photo, using "lomob apps"...


***


i havent been talking about my present work/placement: the prison service for alot of reasons.

i am bound by legal and ethical premise to my profession, and i really wasn't sure of what to say, without giving too much away. well, you can guess, the best bits to share, are the ones which would give away which place i am.

but me, being me, i cannot resist a good chinwag about what i am currently busy about, and getting so worked up every morning for.

so here are some interesting bits i want to remember about my current place of practice without making a distinct point to which HMP (Her Majesty's Prison) prison i am in.


-the first day i arrived at the prison, i was searched from top to toe. well everyday i am searched thoroughly. but because, my face has been familiar to the guards, they have stopped searching me like a fugitive, or someone with a plot to hostage the place.


-on the first day, i immediately learned that i am not allowed the following: mobile phone, USB drives, camera, tin foil (yes!, tinfoil!). i had to unpack my sandwhich and wrap it with a tissue, and put it in my bag (*sob*). and warned every single day that a chewing gum is not allowed in. i had to walk back to the carpark and leave the "goods"--mobile phone, USB, camera,etc..in the car.


-whenever a Vietnamese inmate sees me, they immediately speak to me in Vietnamese and think that i could immediately translate for them to the doctor. i apologize and say "im sorry,i do not speak Vietnamese. Im from the Philippines", and most often than not, they look disappointed (even annoyed) and even sometimes insist, that i should speak Vietnamese,LOL.


-i feel safe inside the confines of the prison. there are alarms and cameras everywhere. the sad thing is you cant pick your nose, or fix that knicker-wedgy lest the officers checking the cameras 24/7 will put it on YOUtube, LOL.


-eversince i started working there, i have been getting alot of water infection.

as a temporary staff, i am not given the set of keys to make me move from one part of the building to another. every part of the place has doors which are locked. if you're the secretary,and you need to photocopy some papers, you need to unlock your office to come out. once youre out, you need to shut it close and lock it with your keys. go to the end of the corridor to where the photocopier is, but in the middle of the corridor (between your office and the end of the hallway, there is another locked door, so on and so forth). you cant walk a few metres without having to unlock/lock doors.

so you can imagine how many doors we need to lock and unlock to get to the toilet to pass urine. and because i don't own a set of keys, someone has to come with me, to open and lock doors, walk to another part of the building, and lock/unlock doors again, and wait until i finish with my toilet business, and walk me down back again.

tiresome! and totally embarassing.

this made me think before drinking water (so i end up dehydrated) and i end up holding my wee until someone wants to go to the toilet. not good for someone who has diabetes.

thank goodness, i have won the hearts of the staff that they are happy to walk me through around 5 set of heavy doors, unlock and lock them, then wait for me while i pass water. oh! the joys. i know how it feels to be prisoner somewhat now. imagine not having control when to have a wee, or when to eat, or when to go out? its quite dehumanising.


-i hate closed claustrophobic work spaces. it has been a consideration eversince i started working, that i normally am better and more functional in places with access to big open windows with more light coming in. and guess what!

the health department office is quite small, and there are tiny windows. no wonder my migraine has been setting off every morning since i started in the prison service only because 'fluorescent' lights does that to me. it triggers migraine attacks. and boy do i suffer every day. no fail.

-the prison is hidden behind vast countryside, and you have to go through a walk of woods. the parking lot is quite a distance to walk to the big gates, where a guard meets you, then lets you go to another set of gates where another guard meets you, asks for your drivers license, writes your name,and asks to ring the department where you're going and asks someone to pick you up from the bottom of the building. that routine i know by heart now.


-the first few weeks when i first started working, i always walked quickly to the gate as i was scared if there was any escapee prisoner lurking around waiting to jump on me and asks me for my car keys to do a runner. now, i'm beginning to feel safe with my solitary walk.


***

a classmate of mine woke me up with a phonecall. we chatted about our present practice, AND they were worried why i erased all of them (16 classmates,and 11 schoolmates) on my FB.

i lied. i said, i'm keeping FB for family only now.

truly, i unfriended them in december because i didn't ask permission that i was going to be a week late from my placement because i was planning to overstay in cebu. i didnt want them to see photos of me happily enjoying the sun, while they were slugging themselves in the middle of winter being dedicated students. although my lecturer knew, i just felt it was too unsensitive of me, asking special consideration for a holiday while the rest aren't given he privilege.

plus, everytime they update their status' of how hardworking they are, i cannot update my status with glorious appreciation of blue waters and powdery sand. and the fear of tagged pictures of myself from my siblings looking worse for wear.

i didnt want the questions, and the reminders when i'm trying to unwind.

oh, and i think i got the second highest mark for my DVD/reflective work in december, so thank you to my lovely sister who taught me how to jazz up my DVD and my brother Roi, who was splendid actor in the DVD. (my lecturer commented: commendations to the actor who portrayed the role very well).

plus, thank you to myself, for the hardwork. *self hug*


rare, but it happens.


***

one day, i will post my video here. you'd find it funny and hopefully, informative about occupational therapy and adaptive equipment,LOL. x

i gotta ask consent from the main actor first.

its valentines day

and i thought we were just watching dvd and a nice meal indoors.

its still very chilly outside so we are snuggled up in the front room watching a romantic dvd (oh the cheese, he has to put up with with me).

just when we paused the dvd for a tea break, he came back bearing flowers, a present and a (sweet) card.

and what does he get from me? an e card! a blog entry e-card,LOL..(well, there was the surprise homemade dinner (and the heart-shaped mashed potatoes,LOL, and the dvd.LOL).


tomorrow, we are off to london for a 'meal'...and a suroy-suroy...we dont do valentines, really, we dont.

its just one of those days, na timing lang.

well ok. we do.


for now, at least.

she's london-bound

..and i cant wait..



***

my sister ana is coming to visit me (again).

this, after just having been here for a month last november, 2009.

she still has a few months left on her visa, i thought, might as well have her here.

i could use some inspirational company.


by the time she leaves, a few months on, my cousin Karla will be coming too (pending the visa application, because as from experience, visa for tourists can be very tricky).


im excited to have Ana here, because spring will be at its best by then, and flowers would start to blossom. and the sun will be out to play. it would at least be different to the gray skies they had when they were here in November.

that means, i will have a photography buddy with me and someone who could be my companion when adrian's busy with business.


im sure you can imagine my excitement from where you're reading this..



***

Mama has no time left on her visa because all the months that she was given was spent on waiting for Ana and Roi to receive theirs.


Roi, like Ana, still has a few months left, but is enrolled in a chef-ing course, so he wont be able to come.


Ana is the perfect visitor. By the time she goes back to Cebu in May, its enrollment for her university studies.


***


some funny moments i had with my sister..and she is my favourite.




she and her love for granny glasses




she and ruby were staying at the guest room in our house when i was in cebu in december. and her in her london clothes which she might need to dig up again..LOL




my barkadas from long way back still call her "baby ana" because she used to be so young when she used to come with us on our night-about-town..around 9 years old? LOL..i know, im a bad influence of an ate=)




and this is ruby(my cousin who is like my sister too)...my second high school graduate (soon)..she will be graduating in march


***

my siblings has such great news but that will be on the next entry..

always remember, prayers are always answered.

the auntie who clings to memories...desperately

(my brother jojo, my sweet sister-in-law Mayel...and my favourite little person,Mika, with her tongue out,LOL..photo taken the night we arrived in cebu..sutukil dinnner)



***



goodness. i never knew i would be this attached to my niece.

every single day, her photos are such a pick-me-up after a tiring day at work (thank goodness i have hundreds in my drive stashed for sustenance,lol).

tonight, feeling emotional after a heavy day at work, adrian brought up the topic about mika and how she was such a good girl during our travels. i felt teary eyed. apart from i miss all of the people she lives with, i just miss kissing her chubby cheeks and hearing her squeal with delight.

i wish she's well and healthy, and being a good girl..

im sad i cant see her until 2011 when she's a 2 year old (bless her) by then, but i will be happy because i know she's well taken cared of by her mommy and daddy and her lola helen and her tito roi and tita ana.


***

apologies, im a first time auntie.

and yes, she is cute.


(i used to miss my other nieces/nephews,[children of my cousins] but they never stick around too long to be around me, so never found time to get to know them without their mommies and daddies..unlike Mika who has no choice but be with Adrian and i when we want to,LOL).


***

how about you? who are you missing right now?