closure

pastel perfect house in portobello..just like in dreams


***



this blog appeared in my dream for the last three weeks. recurrent, and persistent.

one was that i opened the blog and the colour scheme changed (from blue it turned to lavender) and i was browsing through the old blogs as if it was someone else owned it, and yet i saw photos of myself and familiar faces. entries were familiar, yet someone else owned it.

i felt a pang of jealousy there, that i remember most of that dream.

another dream was that i read a comment from someone famous. i forgot who it was now, but for the love of me, no matter what i do, the comment would not register. i kept apologising to the commentor but the commentor for some reason cannot be reached. it was frustrating that dream.


and the other night this blog reappeared again, it was owned by some old lady who had ties with the cooking world. she was a popular chef and i bumped into this blog and read through her entries only to find out, that her entries were my old entries yet people's comments were directed at her and her fabulous cooking, and her wonderful restaurant. i felt a pang of jealousy. (this blog is mine! this blog is mine!)..(oh and the fettucine they mentioned sounded divine,haha).


i know there are so many schools of thought that try to interpret dreams. interpretations of the dreams may vary from the freudian, subliminal, and to oldschool baloney but it all boils down to one thing.

i have parting issues with this blog. this was (and still is) my favourite.

i dished out alot more here and poured my heart and soul to it more than i did anywhere.

i re-read the entries here again and i have so much grown from who i was. this space has been with me all throughout bouts of sickness, travels, happiness, triumphs and a whole lot of transitions, whether internal or physical changes.

this is where i felt most vulnerable in too.

where we speak our most innermost thoughts, our most precious dreams, our most sacred thoughts, thats where vulnerability sets in. we know we can easily get attacked and when we divulge those innermost feelings--what we divulge can be used against us.

but that doesnt erase the feeling that the closure of this blog emanated from too much self consciousness.

that feeling has passed. yet i feel i cheated myself to one of the best blogs i have ever given myself.

i need closure, but i cannot give myself that.

needs must.

the saga continues.