appreciating someone who's normally there, to be here

i always knew that she'd be there for me.

i always knew that she'd be there when im in need.

but its really different when she's physically here (to be there for me).


***

today, mama, and i did our first 'tandem' invitation to our guests John and Bing.

and for all the times i invited people over to the house for a meal, today was the very first time, i was running late with food preps. i was relying too much on her time management, while she was relying on me to be the 'leader' of time-keeping for today's preps.

we had a laugh when we suddenly realized time was catching up and we were lagging behind.

but the guests were late, so we weren't that late at all.


because of all the excitement of lunch and the wonderful storytelling and laughter over the table, i wasn't able to take photos...

i didn't mind.

were having more soon the next few weeks,LOL.



***

photos of my mama, looking so lovestruck.











thats how she looks like watching videos of her 'apo' Mika.



its so nice to finally change my wallpaper.

it used to carry a photo of a mug that said "cebu".

now it carries a shot of mama and i...





photo taken on her second day here in the UK.

somebody needs to get back to the gym

...already!


im not gonna lie. i cant see myself doing so the next few weeks.

not when my mama is here.

im not gonna say that im going to cut down on eating.

not when my mama is here.

but, i just need to say it aloud.

so that it rings even truer.


***

dah, kaon pa'g humba!

for mimi

tonight, i keep wondering how mimi is.

its not just been too long ago that i have to endure the same ordeal of having to go home and see my father in a coffin. so i (somewhat) know how it feels.

i say somewhat because i think what she is going through right at this very moment is the harder ordeal as losing a love one through an accident is the worst of all.

nothing prepares us for death, not even illness. so to even lose someone in the most unprepared way is just so unfair and just unbearable.


i keep thinking about mimi. the scenarios that went through when she arrived at her hometown. how her mom is. how her siblings are coping.


because right now, in as much as i am so over the moon that my mother is with me, a part of me feels so sad for a friend.


i hope she feels safe and comforted being with her family.


i pray that she is coping, managing right now.


i pray for her and her family for 'the now'. because i know, they will come out of this family tragedy stronger, and closer than ever.

coming from someone who has been there,and got the awful tshirt of such experience.

and when she does, us her friends are here waiting.

little tidbits

She has so far complained of feeling the cold...

Other than that, she is enjoying every minute of it. (so far)

Her, in pictures.





the day she arrived. after having some rest, i took her out for some groceries and some little sight seeing around the commercial complex.





had coffee and muffins at George.





you can see she's so tired



on Saturday, took her to London town




aboard the C2C




oh, nagyawyaw nasad,LOL.



Having snacks at Harrods




nag shopping ug pasalubong...=)


***

everyday, she laughs and could not believe herself being here.

everyday i pinch myself.

i am loved by God. because i have a chance to spoil her to bits..since the very start.=)



***
(Canon G10 photos)

Patricia Alix-Villa--the birthday girl

(photo stolen from Patricia's collections)

***

Patricia, you are such a remarkable woman.

I'm so honoured that you consider me a friend.

I thank the internet because if not for it, you probably would not have looked my way and took me in as a friend when we were back home. (different circles and social strata,LOL..your pedigree is of a higher status than mine, thats for sure=).

You are a blessing, an inspiration, an always a wonderful friend for coffee (which means youre a good listener apart from a great conversationalist) amongst many things friends do.

You definitely are the epitome of fun and class combined in one. Someone i admire and idolize yet, i feel comfortable at the same time.

On your birthday, I thank the heavens, I got lucky.

Its not everyday i get to befriend someone like YOU in this lifetime.

from one libran to another: keep the equilibrium rockin!

***

PS> i thank tita Loy today for bringing you into this world too...

Happy birthday Roi...

let me appreciate this brother of mine today, and recount his wonderful ways. a birthday greeting to my brother Roi..

-he tells the most awesome jokes.

-everyone in the family (relatives alike) has high respects for this man.

-he bakes the tastiest cheese muffins and inherited my mom's culinary skills. --and by next year, is planning to enrol in a proper chef university.

-he has my dad's temperament

-he has the best hospitality skills.

-never a dull moment with him. he makes the best punchlines. (not as good as mine,LOL).


-he loves children, and the neighborhood children loves him back. they all come a-knocking on the door to look for "Tito Aga" (which they thought was Roi's name,LOL).

-he loves our niece Mika, so much, he has an album in his ipod called "mika" which are all baby songs,LOL.


-he is so loving to his girlfriend Suzette,and very loyal too.

-a peacemaker, and would try to resort to bringing peace in all arguments.


-he has loads of friends.


-he is Jojo's (our other brother's) bestfriend.

-he loves his sisters so much.


-he looks like my twin.





he still has 'baby hands',we tease him about that still now,LOL..and he is our MR.Clean




just like my papa, you always see him in white tshirts (to my mama's consternation, kay gasto kaayo sa chlorox,LOL)





on his "normal" behaviour.



***


Roi, my baby bro, i love you for all of the above..and alot more...

i wish you so much in this life and for you to achieve your dreams and hopes...

and Bayoi, please be healthy always...God has big plans for you (an internship here in the UK, a restaurant, a wedding (filipiniana to noh?LOL), and my future nephews and nieces..and more)...

i feel it in my gut- youre soaring to great places because of your attitude and personality.


palangga kaayo tika. but you know that already..=)


always,

imong kaluha...(pweh!,LOL)

misnomer,non!

in my conversation with my sister about my supergirlfriends, i called them by their supergirl names...

"aileen is Lightchaser, Mai-the earth Goddess or the Shutterfairy, therese- mommybizniz, (you follow now?), etc, so on and so forth"..

Ana asked "ikaw teh? whats your supergirl name?"

Me: "ambot, Ragen the Virgin seems so outdated" LOL

Ana said: "ahhh i know..."


Me: "unsa man?"


Ana: "the Hidden Flippax"... [in reference to my two blogspots: flippantpages and hiddenrage..]


(laughter)


hmmmnn, i sometimes wonder whether my family truly respect me as they should,LOL.


***


the truth is, its actually true, deep down, im as crazy as a psychaedilic colours that dont match...


***


moral of the story: next time i open a blog. i'll name it something nice,LOL.

reality sinks in

i have come to realize: gosh, im actually just TWO WEEKS in cebu this december. the third week in spent on a holiday in another island with family.

take away the christmas holidays and new year celebrations (and the cousins and relatives tete-a-tete), im literally gasping for days to be in my fave island of sugbo. (that makes it literally 1 week of socializings).


i may have been too over zealous in promising people that i will see them..but too optimistic,maybe?


i need to segregate and allocate time.

i know there are some people, that come hail or water, no matter thunder and earthquake, i will not cancel, and i will be a their mercy because they are my constants (in real life or blog life, in happiness and in sadness, and in silliness or seriousness, they are there).


but maybe, this is also call time for me, to show those deserving of my time, attention and effort ,hehe..


because in my trying to be fair,i have been unfair to those who always have been there.


(its probably like being a mother, one cant keep giving recognition to all her twelve children when only one or two has done their part).

sigh, being a good friend, is easy....being a fair friend, is the hardest.


***


i wish i am a real supergirl...

*summoning wonder woman's powers*



***



and a Mika udate...







(Mika's photos taken by her dad's mobile)..



my little niece is growing big and strong *buyag*..

she is now 5 kilos plus..and to think she''s barely two months..apparently she drinks way too much milk,and does the usual baby business of sleeping the entire time.

everytime i see her photo, it just makes me happy. so happy in fact, that i know whatever life throws us, it will be okay.

now, if God didnt plan me to be a cool dudette of a mom..who said, i cant be the coolest kick-ass aunt there is?

*karate face*

the impending visit

my Mama, August 2008 taken by the D200..


***


my mama is visiting me for two months.

she is expected to land at heathrow via british airways on wednesday morning. (another blog altogether..im still debating whether i'll go absent from uni that day, or take her with me to uni..adrian doesn't think i should leave my mom on her own because she'll feel lonely left on her own on her first day.. i agree, but i dont think i could miss the session that day as its the bulk of our thesis..what to do??).

needless to say, i am so excited and im so over the moon.

i want my mama to have the best time of her life. she deserves this vacation for the longest time..this was postponed 3x already. once with papa's birth certificate problem, then secondly when papa died, and last july when Ana and Roi's visa holdup..

[speaking of Ana and Roi---they have the option of coming this November for 5 weeks--due to their schedules, and or early next year, for two to three months..i'd know as soon as Ana finishes her finals]

i have some things lined up for my mama already. (the whole family in fact...) sights to see, plays to watch, activities to do...but i also am careful not to get carried away, because sometimes, fate does not let you forget that it has its own mind..no matter the careful planning and orchestrating of things to happen, if fate does not will it, it will not happen.


and certainly, with all the above in mind, i have some niggling worries in my head:

-will she enjoy england in autumn?

its dark and wet for most times of the day. you wake up to darkness, and the gray coloured skies.. if youre not used to it, will speak of sadness and melancholy. im glad, i have gotten used to it. i have now embraced the grayness with openness and calm, instead of my usual resistance. but it took me years to get adjusted.


-what will she do when im at work? at uni?

i have one month leave in november to be with her, but there is still the remaining days of october for her to be cooped up alone in the house for most weekdays. will she think of home most of the time? will she cry and feel abandoned?


-would she love our 'to do" list?

the usual touristy stuff (buckingham palace, kensington, museums, harrods,tower of london,etc)..and boy oh boy, the 'secret' unusual untouristy things ive set out for her. but will she enjoy tea, scones and english ceremonial teas,the markets we can trawl, the antiques on display at portobello market road, my 'suki' photoshop, the fish mongers at billingsgate and the malling dates i have penned.


-will she enjoy the food?

i have restaurants for her to try. i know im in for a treat because my mama will cook for me at least 3-4x a week, and the rest will be eating out. but will she feel elated to hear that we are eating out? would she rather stay in the comfort of home and eat what's familiar and usual?



-will she bear the cold?

i still struggle with the chill. i hope she will bear it effortlessly.


with all hopes, i pray she will enjoy the experience...and of course, that she will be safe on her flight, as shes travelling on her own.

one thing i will not doubt though, i know she will miss her one and only granddaughter Mika..


***

i cannot contain my excitement..im going to have my mama for myself, for a few weeks, (until Ana and Roi could get here), is something i look forward to.

my heart is dancing in happiness..

***

how is your heart lately my lovelies?

beauty

being beautiful is how you feel.

i feel rotten most days. i know,maybe because the face that greets me (in the mirror) in the morning, is a face you would only encounter during nightmares and occasional horror movies.

but give me a few hours, id feel beautiful again. this is after a slather of cosmetics. (ive taken photos of myself, with and without make up, there is a marked difference,ok, so ayaw pakiglalis,LOL..*think: juiceko, unsa nalang gyud kaha kung wala'y make up noh?* exactly!hehe).

even when someone compliments me (out of politeness or whatever), i dont feel it.

its not about lack of confidence, its about reality .

and not being delusional.

i know where im good at, i know which areas i need to flaunt, and aha, beauty was never my strongest points.

but when i put on a nice outfit, a wonderful pair of shoes, a hint of jo malone's, and a dab of blusher, then id feel 'yup, my confidence goes up a notch'.

i dont have hang ups about my looks. it does not bother me because i dont need it for my job and most esp with the kind of friends i keep (theyd rather you're inteligent, talented and humanistic than be a dumbtwit dollface...=)

and in my family, youre beautiful if youre funny, so i always thought i was beautiful growing up. (only to realize that in the real world, beauty is a different definition).

in my teenage years,i was lucky enough to have found men(err boys) who found my personality 'sexy' and called me beautiful (in short, nakailad sad ko'g ubay-ubay).

in my thirties now,and married, and has no plans whatsover to beautify myself for 'boys' but for myself, i seem to have known what to do...my magic wand aka make up brushes, will remedy it, albeit temporarily.

so whats the problem you ask?

i do somehow get bothered, that sometimes, in the middle of the night, i go to the loo, and forget there's a mirror somewhere.

that mirror, when a hint of light grazes it, i sometimes, scare myself.

how pathetic is that?!


***


how about you, amaze (amuse) me,with your wits, tell me:


1) what makes you feel beautiful?..


2) what makes you feel 'not so beautiful' (for those who never felt this, skip number 2,LOL)


3)how do you see yourself now? beautywise?..(can i just say, you're all beautiful to me)...


im tagging: you: therese, chichi, aileen, maimai, jane,patricia, ankai,...and all those who want to tell me what their definition of beauty is about...xxx

therapeutic day at uni

creative writing in the morning...

animal (dog) therapy in the afternoon...





**

tomorrow--- qualitative analysis of statistical datas...


great.


***


i cant believe it.

one week from today, my Mama is landing at heathrow (pohon).

and i will gain 10 lbs (at least) from there onwards.

xxx

that bday weekend

*this is a late post*

too many things happened the last few days, and commitments were up to my neck, i didnt have time to upload these photos.

after a long nap, i am revved up to reading some more research before waking up early for university tomorrow.

but before then, let me share these photos.

***

Friday, 25th of September



me,the bday girl,and my king





expectant grandparents (as of taking this photo, they were anticipating a phone call regarding their daughter-in-law who was expecting on the 26th..she gave birth on the 28th)





i loved the place's ambience,quiet and subdued...il bertorelli italian restaurant





my starter...kingprawn sumthing,lol...the prawn was best paired with that sourdough bread





mushroom starter again for A





i could do with some of these now





Mark had penne pasta (marinara), and adrian had big slice of lasagna





Alan's dessert




peach melba for Anne





Adrian's lemon sorbet





mine...chocolate cheesecake



***

september 26

iwas craving for thai food since the start of september. i knew i wanted to eat in a thai resto for my birthday so i opted to wait.

this day, everyone made sure they didnt have a big lunch so they could make the most of our dining out,LOL.


in the end, we were so gutom, i didnt have the urge to take photos when we were eating.





can you imagine this was good for 3 persons only starter? but still, we ate all of it..this set was for me, adrian and glen




cheryl's and eve's starter(they didnt finish it, so we helped them,LOL)




the waitress,LOL





after dinner..having coffee




***

27th of september

regent's park, breast cancer research pink aerobics...





calming down...





the hubby, where i deposited him before the aerobics,LOL.


***

im 33 years old. and boy, do i feel like 66.=)

research mode

i have been bitten by this research bug.

i started doing this university research at 5 pm.

had dinner, and watched a little tv.

resumed.

next thing i know its almost 3 am.

gaaahhh, and i still have work tomorrow (today!).


*yawn* another day started.


another sleep lost.


**

the cross i chose, is the cross i bear.

this university thing, i am enjoying it this year.

its hardly a cross. more like a little accessory..

(an accessory that sometimes gets in the way of fun---and sleep).

thank goodness for caffeine.

nice to finally meet you

i am still in awe of the vicar's words during the service yesterday for hazel's funeral.

he talked about hazel and how she was during her younger years. the vicar made a point to talk to Graham (H's son) and John and asked what Hazel liked during her time to incorportate for his talk.

things i learned about H because of the vicar's beautiful sermon:


-she was born in England and moved to Australia when she was in her twenties.
-came back to england and travelled extensively.
-Hazel was a lover of arts..she paints during her spare hours.
-she was an active member of the conservatives political party.
-she was a happy mommy to Graham and spoilt him a bit too much.
-she was into flower arranging. (i can relate)
-she was into jazz music (this one too)


at the crematorium, the music for the service was a happy jazz music because that was what she liked.


i found it sad that i only knew Hazel at her funeral..how God did not make it possible for me to know her that much..

and yet, i still grieved for her..and for John who has lost a partner of many a decades.


***

what stuck to my mind was at the church, the vicars words resonated so much to me. it was as if he was directly talking to me..

it went something like this:


"today is the time to remember hazel for how she was in our life,and what we were in hers,no mater how little or insignificant it may seem...let us remember the fun and the sad times,or the ordinary times, we were together, no matter how fleeting... let us treasure that.that we had those moments with Hazel, no matter how short or ordinary it may have seemed...

today also is the time to be sorrowful that we have lost her to our maker, but let us not forget to look forward, and that we have hazel in our memories to cherish.

most importantly to be thankful..thank our Lord for the times, we have shared with Hazel and that she was able to share those precious experiences with us."


*i was imagining the last time i saw her, at hers and john's house, it was valentines day and i read to her john's card that he wrote for her..she was watching television and she could hardly talk but when i read to her the card, she was teary eyed and smiled at me..

i also remembered how i helped her to her wheelchair at the christmas/boxing day party held at Alan's house..she was in so much pain then and was muttering muffled sounds*

it made those fleeting moments seem magnanimous, and forever cemented in my brain now somehow..


***

when we were asked to bow down our heads to be thankful for those moments, i also said some thankful prayers for all those im grieving for.

peole who i grieve for every single day, and ache for at certain moments and celebrations of my life.


you hear me Paps?


**

thank you God, for showing me ways of unburdening this ghost i carry in my heart.

2 weddings, a birth and a funeral

i can finally confirm, i have partially said "yes" to two weddings in february. (with the thought in mind that i have my university internships on that month).

the good thing about internships, once i come home, i dont need to think of doing work. its all about the internship, its all about university. no homeworks to think of too. its all about attending the internship,and being there physically and mentally.

no research, and essays. although the end of placement presentation is quite a BIG assignment--im normally good at presentations, so no worries there...


(this part of the entry is just a way of convincing myself that i did the right decision,hehe).


**

today is Hazel's, (my sister-in-law's) funeral.

i was busy the last few days as i was in-charge of flowers (to order) for the funeral.

i am sad.

i dont know hazel that much (compared to my other sister-in law- Anne) because when i met her, her condition was already at a progressed stage. she could not attend celebrations and family gatherings anymore as she was bed bound a year after we met.

but judging from her photos at hers and john's house,i got the feeling she was an adventurous and outgoing person. someone who enjoyed travelling and the finer things in life.


when i received a birthday card from john this year, it only said : from John...normally it would say from John and Hazel...i could not help but get teary-eyed because i felt sad for Adrian's brother who lost his partner in life. and i felt sad for Adrian who is sad for his brother.


i dont know what to expect today at the funeral. ive been to two funerals in this country, and they were totally different from the other (one was a celebration of his life, and the other was a hippie indie style remembrance day). but what i know is, they dont take photos in funerals like we do.


i cant imagine today. only that people will be in black.




year 2004..the last time i saw Hazel sat up...after this she was bedridden. she suffered from a mitochondrial condition.


***

Alan and Anne (my bro and sis in law--who we see all the time),their daughter in law Rosie and son Nic just had a baby girl on the 28th.

the baby girl is a welcome to the family.

all of Adrian;s family had only boys..Adrian and Alan dont have any sister either.


Nic and Rosie arent sure what to name their baby..theyre gearing towards Anya. i totally agree, i find Anya such a pretty name.


and i know by now, she'll be a very cute baby.





Rosie and her baby..(photo from Alan)..



**

life goes on..someone dies..another is born..

but it doesnt mean we should forget those who passed on.