until here...

someone asked, was i relieved that i said my part?

there's no happiness in hurting someone you really care for, even if what you're telling them is your honest-straight-hearty-goodness emotions--because you're hurt.

so the answer is NO. i am not relieved. and i am not happy.

neither am i proud of what i did but there are things you had to do as a friend.

when you feel things might be a problem in the long run, then I'd rather be the one to tell them, than 'other' people. because i would feel that i have let other people down as a friend if someone pointed it out to them.


(really, i expect my friend to tell me if i got my knickers all knotted in the back in everyone's full view, and not wait for other people to tell me themself.)

but "where" i did it was wrong.

even if it was done in love and gently as possible, i still look like an ass.

in hindsight, i am to blame if i end up as "sheila-no-mates". i scared and yes, put off present friends of how 'overbearing' i can be with telling off friends. but i thought if i privately tell off someone, i could be accused of hurting a person, when in all truth, i was telling them off nicely. so i thought, what i can tell to one friend, i can tell everyone.

but then, we do things, thinking they were right.

no matter how the intention, it comes fall flat on your face if you do things, garishly and irrationally...things you hate in the first place.


***

but all is not lost.

the person more than redeemed themself for being humble and ever apologetic.

which in all honesty very sweet.

so there goes I feeling guilty for having done it in the first place.

and yes, feeling like an ass.

there's my piece of humble pie for you..


***

and why am i closing this blog? because i want to share soooo much but i feel a little bit self conscious.

i have just done social media suicide with my outpouring of hurts and emotions , theres also that thing called "accept the consequences of your actions".

so this is me, hanging on a piece of string, all voluptuous 86 kgs of me.

tongue hanging out and still feeling like an ass.

morning has broken

(photo: a lovely cottage we passed by during our hiking jaunt

in August, 2009,

Dove Dale,Peak District)




***


you know that feeling that someone just whacked you in the head with something hard and blunt? painful?...but not too painful to kill your lights out? well, thats how i felt the day this happened.

after all the assurances of my love ones that the cousin in question was out of order, i'm beginning to feel my breathing is coming on its normal rhythm, less of the short hard gasps i was experiencing that very day.

i guess, anger does that to me. i presume, it does to everyone.

just when you get over the anger, there is sadness. sadness, that you get a reminder about family squabbles, resentment and general bad feeling, which you just started to get over from.


and even more sadness, that its not over. yet.



***

after talking to people i love, i am reassured that the outburst of that cousin was because he has been having a bad time lately. (works, and family related).

i will give him that.


i also warned them that if the cousin's mom would come and visit, they should avoid small talks and getting entrapped into a conversation that might lead being misinterpreted.


sad,isnt it? that it has come to this?

its not family anymore, if you start to be careful and be wary about what you say to them.

definitely, you should be yourself with your relatives, and be able to share freely and laugh, and joke around, but when one has to tread carefully, i dont know if that is a kind of relationship i want to keep at all.


the signs are there..

one should move on.


***

the husband is turning a year older this thursday (28th). we are off to enjoy a meal at a fine dining chinese restaurant with Mark (my stepson), and my inlaws Anne and Alan.

on Friday night, we are celebrating his birthday with friends Glenn and Cheryl at our favourite indian hangout.

oh the joys of food!

something that always make me smile.

something to definitely make me smile.

bless my Mama

a photo of my mama, with my cousin/bestfriend/adopted sister Karla...


today, my mama and i had a little disagreement.

i could not understand, why she allows herself to be 'used' by people who has hurt her numerous times before.

she could not understand why i could not 'forgive' people.

you see, a certain 'relative' has indirectly apologized by asking how my brother was (jojo, who had kidney stone blasting), and was really being friendly with her.

my Mama, being my mama, always instantly, warmed up and befriended (and obviously forgave) the person.

i warned her that before she lets her guard down, i warned her to be careful. i warned her not to trust this person again, as he/she has hurt her and said hurtful remarks about my family (all for money).


my Mama (as i expected) scolded me and told me, to be ashamed for holding grudges,and not humbling myself to people who has humbled themselves.

i am humbled indeed, by Mama's lessons,and the values she tries to teach me. it is from her, that i learned that is anyone is asking help from you, at your doorstep, do not shut the doors on them, because that is unchristian.

i learned too that it is not right to hold grudges and bear ill feelings towards anyone. i learned from her, to give what you can when someone is asking for help and offer what you can.

and because of that, my Mama has a history of being used by people.

i grew up, seeing her being mistreated, by some of her inlaws (and some relatives) because she tends to give too much of herself, and not asking in return (except to be treated fairly).

she always has this big capacity to forgive people when people have let her down numerous times, and said degrading remarks about her and her children. she forgives the moment they apologize.

that cycle has got to be stopped.

i told her to be wary, i told her to be careful.

my Mama shut me up by telling me, to listen to myself and to be human.



***


i feel for her, because at the end of the day, i know, my Mama just wanted to be accepted by the family she loved since she was 18. she married my papa when she was barely out of her teens and grown to love the people in that family. she treated our Lola the same way (even way better)as she would her own mom.


when the trouble started, my mama did not only lose the husband to death, she also lost her roots. she grew up with my Papa's family. a family who she adopted as her own.

i prayed a silent prayer for my mama when we hung up. it pains me to see her being hurt again. because i know, one day, what transpired,will transpire again.


i swear, if she gets hurt again by the same people, i cannot promise i will still be human.


***

Lord, please bless my Mama.

give her the strength to say 'no' to people who are there only to destroy whatever faith she's left of people.

please give her the courage to understand that love can also be found from new acquaintances, new families and new relations, and that its not bad to open to new things, and learning to fly and leave 'bad' things behind.

please bless her Lord, that she may be courageous and that may she be strong enough to build a new character,new life, separate that of my Papa and his past.

please bless her Lord, that she may be able to see, who is genuine and would mean the best for her, than those who are there who use her as a clutch to undergo their hidden agendas.


bless her Lord.



**


i always have been the 'easy one' and the 'forgiving one' in the family...

papa's death, and learning lessons that blood relations could actually do the most harm to you, changes ones perspective about people.

my naivety has now left me.

sadly, when bad things happen to you, suspicion takes residence. one becomes wary and takes alot of encouraging to open one's doors again.

you can tell the bitter tone in this entry. i have not been hurt the way i have until my father died.

and that takes forever to unlearn.

things i cant teach

one can give material things, one can shower people with "luho's" and gallant gifts.

but these things i cannot give: to teach these:


1) appreciation... to appreciate things around them and appreciate the little things that happen in their midst. appreciate the sacrifices done on their behalfs.


2) "utang-na-loob"...my father was an example of this. to show gratitude to people who have always been there. to let them know that you appreciate the times they were there in difficulties. sadly, not everyone practice this. gratitude is twinned with appreciation. if appreciation is not there, how can gratitude be present?


3) good manners...if you live with people who by example show manners who are not of good example,expect someone to grow exactly just the same. all of us unconsciously grow with the environment we live in. but only a special few will fight to follow the good from the bad.


4) respect...ahhh, the magic word, this is not something you teach people..this is earned. but how to do that? i wouldnt know the answer. because sometimes, i dont get the respect, i thought i deserve from the people that i thought id get it from.


5) love. one cant buy love. no amount of money, or buying people's wares from them, buying all the stuff they sell you, they will never love you back. they would still love the ones who never gave a toss.


these are the ironies of life. im writing it down. to remind myself that there was a time, i learned these lessons the hard way.


di na gyud ko muusab, ikausa nalang...

max surban was a childhood hero.