papa talk

i spoke to my mama for my regular sunday phone call with her. she told me that she and the rest of the family went to the cemetery to visit Papa's grave.

it pinched me. because God, how i wish i was with them.

my father died in January 2007,just after a great christmas holiday we spent with him, and after a promise that he was coming to visit me here in England.

but of course, he never ever had the chance to visit me. (which makes me sad). after we organised for the long arduous process of his passport, he died.

but not to dwell on my sadness, my father is a pinch in my chest. he is.

he was my first hero, and he could do no wrong in my eyes. even if he died no matter what age, whether at 100 years old, or his 57 years, he would still be a pinch in my chest to talk about and remember. people we love, we always wish and somehow mentally bestow immortality on them.

in my life as a blogger since 2004, i have spoken of my love of my father since i could remember although not solely, oftentimes my blogs are peppered with narration of adoration for the first man who had my heart.

he was and still is a pinch in my heart because apart from everything else, he was my driving force to everything i did in my life. i sought his approval for everything, from clothes, boyfriends (not that i heeded, but i sought his nod like crazy), and career choice.


my father was also my ally. my Mama and i, when we had our mini-quarrels, i ran to my papa. i always did. but my papa always sided with my mama, lol. but even then, he could do no wrong. he was still loved.

i always look forward to talking to him because he would always laugh on the other end of the line when i make jokes or make some weird comment about my new life in england and tell him of my 'weird dreams for the family'. and i love it, when he says on the phone "taod-taod na lagi ka wala katawag" / "its been some time since you phoned" even if the last time was a day ago.


and he would always say to my cousins jokingly "nindaot na lagi ka karl" "youve lost weight karl" everytime karla comes over. (he cant even see, he was blind!,LOL).


i dont know where this story is heading but this is important to me. because you, the reader has to know that for whatever i am now, and whatever i do, its all because there was a man named Celso who is beloved and is sorely missed until the day he would welcome me aboard in our maker's kingdom.


i am writing this because this makes me feel whole again.


and its because, there is one day that i am allowed to talk about the father who has long gone and yet still pinches the sore scabs of the heart left splintered the day he stopped breathing.








i miss him so much. there is not a day i am not reminded that he lived.

she's london-bound

..and i cant wait..



***

my sister ana is coming to visit me (again).

this, after just having been here for a month last november, 2009.

she still has a few months left on her visa, i thought, might as well have her here.

i could use some inspirational company.


by the time she leaves, a few months on, my cousin Karla will be coming too (pending the visa application, because as from experience, visa for tourists can be very tricky).


im excited to have Ana here, because spring will be at its best by then, and flowers would start to blossom. and the sun will be out to play. it would at least be different to the gray skies they had when they were here in November.

that means, i will have a photography buddy with me and someone who could be my companion when adrian's busy with business.


im sure you can imagine my excitement from where you're reading this..



***

Mama has no time left on her visa because all the months that she was given was spent on waiting for Ana and Roi to receive theirs.


Roi, like Ana, still has a few months left, but is enrolled in a chef-ing course, so he wont be able to come.


Ana is the perfect visitor. By the time she goes back to Cebu in May, its enrollment for her university studies.


***


some funny moments i had with my sister..and she is my favourite.




she and her love for granny glasses




she and ruby were staying at the guest room in our house when i was in cebu in december. and her in her london clothes which she might need to dig up again..LOL




my barkadas from long way back still call her "baby ana" because she used to be so young when she used to come with us on our night-about-town..around 9 years old? LOL..i know, im a bad influence of an ate=)




and this is ruby(my cousin who is like my sister too)...my second high school graduate (soon)..she will be graduating in march


***

my siblings has such great news but that will be on the next entry..

always remember, prayers are always answered.

the auntie who clings to memories...desperately

(my brother jojo, my sweet sister-in-law Mayel...and my favourite little person,Mika, with her tongue out,LOL..photo taken the night we arrived in cebu..sutukil dinnner)



***



goodness. i never knew i would be this attached to my niece.

every single day, her photos are such a pick-me-up after a tiring day at work (thank goodness i have hundreds in my drive stashed for sustenance,lol).

tonight, feeling emotional after a heavy day at work, adrian brought up the topic about mika and how she was such a good girl during our travels. i felt teary eyed. apart from i miss all of the people she lives with, i just miss kissing her chubby cheeks and hearing her squeal with delight.

i wish she's well and healthy, and being a good girl..

im sad i cant see her until 2011 when she's a 2 year old (bless her) by then, but i will be happy because i know she's well taken cared of by her mommy and daddy and her lola helen and her tito roi and tita ana.


***

apologies, im a first time auntie.

and yes, she is cute.


(i used to miss my other nieces/nephews,[children of my cousins] but they never stick around too long to be around me, so never found time to get to know them without their mommies and daddies..unlike Mika who has no choice but be with Adrian and i when we want to,LOL).


***

how about you? who are you missing right now?

for inspiration

no use complaining, whining and asking heavens why certain bouts of mini 'bad luck' has been happening to me the last few days.


i am (still) so blessed.



my hiccups are nothing compared to our fellowmen in haiti, struck with the worst luck of all.



i thank you Lord.



***



how's this for inspiration?


my darling niece mika...melting my heart once again.





how's that for inspiration?

(a sure fire way to lift my spirits up)



***

just doing this blog,and posting a photo took me a loooong time.

poor laptop,has had enough of my abuse the last years.

missing

i am missing my love ones back home..

i just remembered all the good times weve had the past few months (including the months my family were here).

i have a treasureful of wonderful photos from the times we were together and i keep flipping through them.

Adrian and i were talking about how great it were to have them here too, with mama cooking all our favourite food.

Adrian and i couldnt wait until they come back here again.


now is the 'grace' period for me to save up for that dream.


here's a photo of Roi and Daisy (my friend's Cheryl's pet dog)in one of the parties we attended late 2009.





cute noh?...and the dog too..=) LOL

dear ana, mama, and roi...i miss you

"so soon?",you might ask...

the house feels empty (and gosh, it feels big without us making chaos everyday in it).

your rooms empty and deserted.

the kitchen is lifeless, even adrian is sombre, and has lost his sene of humor (i hope its only temporary).

we treated ourselves to some shopping (in pretense of getting clothes for our christmas there) just so we could cheer ourselves up.

shopping felt less fun today, and adrian quipped, Lakeside will not be the same again ( i agreed silently).

we both talked over coffee and cakes (our usual comfort companions in times of melancholy), and chatted over flimsy topics and mustered up wry excitement for our impending flight.


but it doesnt take away that the month you stayed with us (or two months in your case Mams), were beautiful each and every second...and i mean that.

i cant wait for 2012.


love,

C and A



***


i know this letter sounds stupid and silly when im going to see you again (pohon) this Thursday but its always like that...we are better together than apart..


and Mams, i could not find the energy to cook for myself and Adrian tonight, so Adrian and i decided to just order in from the local take-away.

incomparable to eating dinners made by you.


i cant wait to see you again in Cebu.

love,

chelski..xx



***





the "little" sis with me..






the ever wacky Roi






Mama, myself and Ana..in one of the parties held at the house..

punching a hacker

i hate hackers. i have been a victim of hacking long time ago, so i know how it feels.

this was the closest to me punching a hacker.

i opened an old email of mine (the one linked to my high school yahoo group), and found that my friend Therese's hacker left a message for me.

so i left a message back. i let him/her know, her game's up.

From BNWs

but really, if he/she was infront of me, he/she would be getting more than just a slap on the wrist.



***

on other news, i have been extremely busy. this is my most stressful week.

my family is leaving on sunday (13th) and this week is assignment handing-in week. to put those two together is crazy.

not to mention having guests who are here for only a period of time, meant having parties every week (at least). or being invited to parties in honor of them, apart from touring them around (during the days), and me slaving at the computer (at nights where were not partying or going out).


i also have been foolish to book myself for a photographic photoshop/printing course months ago, thinking that my family would have been here and gone for their planned July trip. but the July trip was never to become and became a November-December affair. i went to the course on Saturday (5th of december) for a whole day, when i/we didnt get home til 2 am from a party the night before that was done in honor for my Mama and sibs done by my close friends the Donns(Cheryl and Glenn).

upon arriving home,after the course, i went home to a full house, as we had Adrian's son Paul and his girlfriend with us for the night to celebrate a christmas meal for the next day (with Adrian's entire family). the next day Sunday (6th) was just as exhausting as we had to be up early and do a 10 kilo organic turkey for the christmas meal (and other christmassy traditional food that came with it: gammon, mince pies, pudding, etc)we were making.

that day was a christmas party for the family as Adrian and i were not celebrating christmas in England this year. So Adrian's sons and Adrian's siblings/my inlaws were around for that. My Mama, Ana and Roi, had their first English christmas lunch and how authentic can one have it but have it in England and sharing it with the new extended family.

That day ended really late, and most late esp for me because i was buying time to do my assignments too.


Needless to say, I am so looking forward to my (well deserved) vacation in Cebu with a big grin and no worries on my mind (please God).

You know what they say, whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. If i survive essays and research with christmas parties all around, and family visiting, and still enjoy it, im sure, id be enjoying my vacation even more, sans assignment deadlines, and it will be me who's being given the tour.

*looking for my sunnies*

welcoming mama

weve had a few guests come by the house to meet mama.

this set, was special, because they're family, and to mark that occasion, we made sure,we cook them filipino dishes.


we had adrian's brothers and sister-in-law for some good filipino grub and conversations about anything under the sun.


friday night, 30th of october,2009..




































there were no photos after the meal..

i was practically begging for bed.

my body's system is (definitely) older than these group of people in these photos,LOL.

dear ana, we thought of you

..today.

mama and i amused ourselves at Covent Garden , and did some antique browsing, , buying handcreams and colognes at l'occitane (christmas gifts,LOL),and just general sightseeing.

we had a snack at Ella's Cupcakes, and thought of you.

why the hell not? when the glittering Chocolate chip oreo cupcakes had glitters that reminded us of the baubles you put on your face whenever you feel bored.

mama recounted how since a little girl she always knew you were special.

i filled her in of anecdotes she missed when she was working,and i was your nanny.

lovely that.

it was a nice afternoon of the two of us at that table, but you were definitely there.

we are missing you badly.






Ella's at Covent Garden





the chocolate was mama's.
the oreo choc chip one--i had for you..see how much ate loves you? *wink.lol*



and also, thank you for keeping the fort intact and running smoothly.

you are the replacement "ate" for the meantime.


love,

your sister who will slay sugar demons for you...=) x




***

i also met this guy called richard bridge today at calumet.

apart from being a handsome young man, he is a talented photographer (check his website).

he gave me some helpful hints about the medium format camera im eyeing.

i gave him some helpful hints about Cebu.

will you tour him for me?

x

appreciating someone who's normally there, to be here

i always knew that she'd be there for me.

i always knew that she'd be there when im in need.

but its really different when she's physically here (to be there for me).


***

today, mama, and i did our first 'tandem' invitation to our guests John and Bing.

and for all the times i invited people over to the house for a meal, today was the very first time, i was running late with food preps. i was relying too much on her time management, while she was relying on me to be the 'leader' of time-keeping for today's preps.

we had a laugh when we suddenly realized time was catching up and we were lagging behind.

but the guests were late, so we weren't that late at all.


because of all the excitement of lunch and the wonderful storytelling and laughter over the table, i wasn't able to take photos...

i didn't mind.

were having more soon the next few weeks,LOL.



***

photos of my mama, looking so lovestruck.











thats how she looks like watching videos of her 'apo' Mika.



its so nice to finally change my wallpaper.

it used to carry a photo of a mug that said "cebu".

now it carries a shot of mama and i...





photo taken on her second day here in the UK.

little tidbits

She has so far complained of feeling the cold...

Other than that, she is enjoying every minute of it. (so far)

Her, in pictures.





the day she arrived. after having some rest, i took her out for some groceries and some little sight seeing around the commercial complex.





had coffee and muffins at George.





you can see she's so tired



on Saturday, took her to London town




aboard the C2C




oh, nagyawyaw nasad,LOL.



Having snacks at Harrods




nag shopping ug pasalubong...=)


***

everyday, she laughs and could not believe herself being here.

everyday i pinch myself.

i am loved by God. because i have a chance to spoil her to bits..since the very start.=)



***
(Canon G10 photos)

Happy birthday Roi...

let me appreciate this brother of mine today, and recount his wonderful ways. a birthday greeting to my brother Roi..

-he tells the most awesome jokes.

-everyone in the family (relatives alike) has high respects for this man.

-he bakes the tastiest cheese muffins and inherited my mom's culinary skills. --and by next year, is planning to enrol in a proper chef university.

-he has my dad's temperament

-he has the best hospitality skills.

-never a dull moment with him. he makes the best punchlines. (not as good as mine,LOL).


-he loves children, and the neighborhood children loves him back. they all come a-knocking on the door to look for "Tito Aga" (which they thought was Roi's name,LOL).

-he loves our niece Mika, so much, he has an album in his ipod called "mika" which are all baby songs,LOL.


-he is so loving to his girlfriend Suzette,and very loyal too.

-a peacemaker, and would try to resort to bringing peace in all arguments.


-he has loads of friends.


-he is Jojo's (our other brother's) bestfriend.

-he loves his sisters so much.


-he looks like my twin.





he still has 'baby hands',we tease him about that still now,LOL..and he is our MR.Clean




just like my papa, you always see him in white tshirts (to my mama's consternation, kay gasto kaayo sa chlorox,LOL)





on his "normal" behaviour.



***


Roi, my baby bro, i love you for all of the above..and alot more...

i wish you so much in this life and for you to achieve your dreams and hopes...

and Bayoi, please be healthy always...God has big plans for you (an internship here in the UK, a restaurant, a wedding (filipiniana to noh?LOL), and my future nephews and nieces..and more)...

i feel it in my gut- youre soaring to great places because of your attitude and personality.


palangga kaayo tika. but you know that already..=)


always,

imong kaluha...(pweh!,LOL)

the impending visit

my Mama, August 2008 taken by the D200..


***


my mama is visiting me for two months.

she is expected to land at heathrow via british airways on wednesday morning. (another blog altogether..im still debating whether i'll go absent from uni that day, or take her with me to uni..adrian doesn't think i should leave my mom on her own because she'll feel lonely left on her own on her first day.. i agree, but i dont think i could miss the session that day as its the bulk of our thesis..what to do??).

needless to say, i am so excited and im so over the moon.

i want my mama to have the best time of her life. she deserves this vacation for the longest time..this was postponed 3x already. once with papa's birth certificate problem, then secondly when papa died, and last july when Ana and Roi's visa holdup..

[speaking of Ana and Roi---they have the option of coming this November for 5 weeks--due to their schedules, and or early next year, for two to three months..i'd know as soon as Ana finishes her finals]

i have some things lined up for my mama already. (the whole family in fact...) sights to see, plays to watch, activities to do...but i also am careful not to get carried away, because sometimes, fate does not let you forget that it has its own mind..no matter the careful planning and orchestrating of things to happen, if fate does not will it, it will not happen.


and certainly, with all the above in mind, i have some niggling worries in my head:

-will she enjoy england in autumn?

its dark and wet for most times of the day. you wake up to darkness, and the gray coloured skies.. if youre not used to it, will speak of sadness and melancholy. im glad, i have gotten used to it. i have now embraced the grayness with openness and calm, instead of my usual resistance. but it took me years to get adjusted.


-what will she do when im at work? at uni?

i have one month leave in november to be with her, but there is still the remaining days of october for her to be cooped up alone in the house for most weekdays. will she think of home most of the time? will she cry and feel abandoned?


-would she love our 'to do" list?

the usual touristy stuff (buckingham palace, kensington, museums, harrods,tower of london,etc)..and boy oh boy, the 'secret' unusual untouristy things ive set out for her. but will she enjoy tea, scones and english ceremonial teas,the markets we can trawl, the antiques on display at portobello market road, my 'suki' photoshop, the fish mongers at billingsgate and the malling dates i have penned.


-will she enjoy the food?

i have restaurants for her to try. i know im in for a treat because my mama will cook for me at least 3-4x a week, and the rest will be eating out. but will she feel elated to hear that we are eating out? would she rather stay in the comfort of home and eat what's familiar and usual?



-will she bear the cold?

i still struggle with the chill. i hope she will bear it effortlessly.


with all hopes, i pray she will enjoy the experience...and of course, that she will be safe on her flight, as shes travelling on her own.

one thing i will not doubt though, i know she will miss her one and only granddaughter Mika..


***

i cannot contain my excitement..im going to have my mama for myself, for a few weeks, (until Ana and Roi could get here), is something i look forward to.

my heart is dancing in happiness..

***

how is your heart lately my lovelies?

therapeutic day at uni

creative writing in the morning...

animal (dog) therapy in the afternoon...





**

tomorrow--- qualitative analysis of statistical datas...


great.


***


i cant believe it.

one week from today, my Mama is landing at heathrow (pohon).

and i will gain 10 lbs (at least) from there onwards.

xxx

bless my Mama

a photo of my mama, with my cousin/bestfriend/adopted sister Karla...


today, my mama and i had a little disagreement.

i could not understand, why she allows herself to be 'used' by people who has hurt her numerous times before.

she could not understand why i could not 'forgive' people.

you see, a certain 'relative' has indirectly apologized by asking how my brother was (jojo, who had kidney stone blasting), and was really being friendly with her.

my Mama, being my mama, always instantly, warmed up and befriended (and obviously forgave) the person.

i warned her that before she lets her guard down, i warned her to be careful. i warned her not to trust this person again, as he/she has hurt her and said hurtful remarks about my family (all for money).


my Mama (as i expected) scolded me and told me, to be ashamed for holding grudges,and not humbling myself to people who has humbled themselves.

i am humbled indeed, by Mama's lessons,and the values she tries to teach me. it is from her, that i learned that is anyone is asking help from you, at your doorstep, do not shut the doors on them, because that is unchristian.

i learned too that it is not right to hold grudges and bear ill feelings towards anyone. i learned from her, to give what you can when someone is asking for help and offer what you can.

and because of that, my Mama has a history of being used by people.

i grew up, seeing her being mistreated, by some of her inlaws (and some relatives) because she tends to give too much of herself, and not asking in return (except to be treated fairly).

she always has this big capacity to forgive people when people have let her down numerous times, and said degrading remarks about her and her children. she forgives the moment they apologize.

that cycle has got to be stopped.

i told her to be wary, i told her to be careful.

my Mama shut me up by telling me, to listen to myself and to be human.



***


i feel for her, because at the end of the day, i know, my Mama just wanted to be accepted by the family she loved since she was 18. she married my papa when she was barely out of her teens and grown to love the people in that family. she treated our Lola the same way (even way better)as she would her own mom.


when the trouble started, my mama did not only lose the husband to death, she also lost her roots. she grew up with my Papa's family. a family who she adopted as her own.

i prayed a silent prayer for my mama when we hung up. it pains me to see her being hurt again. because i know, one day, what transpired,will transpire again.


i swear, if she gets hurt again by the same people, i cannot promise i will still be human.


***

Lord, please bless my Mama.

give her the strength to say 'no' to people who are there only to destroy whatever faith she's left of people.

please give her the courage to understand that love can also be found from new acquaintances, new families and new relations, and that its not bad to open to new things, and learning to fly and leave 'bad' things behind.

please bless her Lord, that she may be courageous and that may she be strong enough to build a new character,new life, separate that of my Papa and his past.

please bless her Lord, that she may be able to see, who is genuine and would mean the best for her, than those who are there who use her as a clutch to undergo their hidden agendas.


bless her Lord.



**


i always have been the 'easy one' and the 'forgiving one' in the family...

papa's death, and learning lessons that blood relations could actually do the most harm to you, changes ones perspective about people.

my naivety has now left me.

sadly, when bad things happen to you, suspicion takes residence. one becomes wary and takes alot of encouraging to open one's doors again.

you can tell the bitter tone in this entry. i have not been hurt the way i have until my father died.

and that takes forever to unlearn.

celebrating Papa, still

today, september 14, is my Papa's birth date.

we still celebrate his birthday every year with a 'handa' (no matter how little) like we used to, even if he's not around anymore. its fitting for someone who loved gathering his love ones over a buffet of good food and conversation.

i deliberately waited for it to be morning in the Phils, so that i could talk to my siblings and my Mama,just to remember him, and what they are doing.

we pretend he is around somewhere, doing his usual cigarette breaks in the toilet.

tonight, over lechon, and mama's cooking, the family will gather and talk and remember him...

each year, there will be less talking 'about him' vocally, and only in our minds do we dare speak and talk about him more, as we dont want to scratch underneath the surface.

the pain is still there.

sometimes, its covered with new joys, new additions to the family, new gains, little successes here and there, but underneath it, we remember him still vividly (with longing), and we will for a very long time.



***

we console ourselves that he is painless,and that he is not 'disabled' wherever he is right now.

his memories are forever colorful and beautiful.


papa, i miss you. wherever you are, you are sorely and deeply missed.

happy birthday.






him flanked by his girls...and him with his longtime love






the men...and he obviously was the king of the roost




papa's last dance...his youngest and favorite, Ana..


***

i wish for him to have seen his first 'apo' Dominique.

and he would know,he is never forgotten because he has a reminder in the house.

birthday wishes to my brother

Joseph Ferdinand Aviso, or Jojo, or Jops, or Joping, celebrated his nth birthday today, 11th of September.

Its his first birthday as a father and as a married man.

who is this brother that i hardly talk about?

-he loves cool statement tshirts. Adrian envies most statement tshirts that he wears. He goes thrifting for cheap and unique tshirts that say something.


-it gets hard to get his attention. he is choosy with people, not because he is snobbish, but because he is shy and defies loudness and showiness. but when you get his trust,he will be your ally til the end.


-he is the proudest man youd know. he will not ask anything, or take anything, and he will not hesitate to show you his gratitude.

-as they say, silent waters run deep. it holds true for this man. he hardly says anything, and if he does, he means it. he says, "thank you" without much addition to the words, and you know, he's grateful to heavens.


-he is more sweet and carinyoso to his sisters than the other brother who is a joker (peace roi!). he is very sweet and showy of his concern...and it just makes me feel proud of him. how sweet he is to us, is tripled when it comes to our mama who he takes care the mostest before he got married. he definitely is the man of the house now.

i know he is going to be the best father and husband there is..=)


***


what can i wish for a brother who has all his simple pleasures on hand? his wife,and little family (little Dominique), his siblings and mom, and his big sister a text or phonecall away, his computer games (PSP,and others,LOL)??

maybe, only that he keeps being the strong unfazed individual that he is.

the doting kuya to Ana...the best buddy to (our brother) Roi, and my mama's first boy.

now that he is a father and a husband...may he be even more loving and attentive to his wife Mayel and a good example and responsible father to his little girl DM (whats her nickname lagi oi? haha).

..oh ok, and the new PS3 :-D.






his candid side..he smiles alot whenever he is around family




he rarely sleeps. he, like the rest of us, is a nocturne..sleeps during the day,and awake during the night. (very handy now, with his newborn sleeping at odd hours)




he looks at himself in the mirror with a little pose. and i caught him a few times doing so,(LOL).



he is good fun...if you get to know him..he has the corniest jokes you'd ever hear.



i love this man to bits. and im damn proud of him.