i wish

..i could finish my report now, so i could stay in my room and cry my heart out. right now, im soooo busy to think and have any other emotions other than think of QT data and comparative analysis. honestly..i cant cry even if i wanted to..i just wish i could to stop this searing pain in my chest.

i have a burden that i carry, regarding some news i just got. its so disheartening when you're not included in decisions, when all you do is include such persons in all your life-changing decisions.

maybe i should do the same.

maybe i should just stop caring.

maybe i should just..



***


am i wrong in feeling this way? maybe i am.

maybe its time for me to do some life changing decisions too without considering other people,huh?

i wonder how that feels?


***

and probably, if i don't care much, maybe, i will stop this nonsense too. i wouldn't be working so hard, i wouldnt be working my ass off like i'm a machine made of steel.

**


if i had to give myself an advice right now, i would probably say " enjoy life, and stop caring too much".

maybe i should do just that.

or maybe, i could just go and top myself. (sounds like the very easiest option, to be honest).


**

you see, i was alright the last could of weeks. you dont mind hard work when its rewarded with love and mutual respect.

but if you see otherwise, you wonder, 'what am i doing this all for?'


**

i wish you all a better day than what im having;

a better life than what i have at the moment.

tagay ta na!

missing moments with her

someone asked me where i get the energy to listen to people's aggros and problems and make them laugh.

in truth, i do have that energy because there is someone in my life, who listens to my shallowness, my whines, and very own aggravation.

my best friend, Kharla.

she listens to my dramas, my problems (true and self-inflicted,haha) without any judgement ,with all ears, also in the end she prays with/and for me.

in other words, she is my shrink. by being so, she gives me all the energy (and sanity) to cope with homesickness and some more extra.

so having her here in my house as my treat was nothing to me. it was nothing for the big and great things this woman has done for me.

i miss her. and i look forward when she could come back and i could treat her special once again.


***



waiting for the train

another train ride with the best friend i am lucky to have been given

the day we saw the Pope..

**

do you miss your best friend?

stories untold

one day, i will write my story.

some chapters i have deleted here for now, because they're delicate and the writer still fragile to be asked about them.

right now, lets just say, i'm in some weird hazy planet and i'm stuck there for the meantime.

the light is near,to get to that light is quite a journey (not without hissy fits, bruising and crying..and doctor's appointments,crazy schedules, overfilled diaries,and ginormous love-hate moments with the ever understanding husband).


i know when i've crossed the bridge, i will be a better woman for it all.

one day i will write these chapters.


my story.

wistful

sometimes i find myself wistful and a little bit sad when i realise, im spending more time burrowed in books on my free time (when not working for my livelihood), instead of going out and enjoying the sun, and taking photographs.

and then when i realise that i'm already on the verge of my end goal, i stop being sad. i know, when i finish being too busy for photography, i will have ample time (and focus) to do exactly just that.

for the meantime, i sit, (read and work) and practise patience.

soon, i will reap my rewards.










**

how about you? are you holding out for something?

whatever it is, wait it out with me..we will soon be given our dues.



{photo: a tourist bus by somerset house from the jubilee bridge}

birthday celebrations

every year, i find birthday celebrations quite redundant.

dont get me wrong, i find that mine or my love one's birthdays are one of my most favourite days of the year, but celebrating it is sometimes a dilemma as you have so many friends and as much as you want to celebrate it with all of them, trying to squeeze everyone in for your birthday date has to be arranged 3 months in advance.

that pressures me to arrange something 3 months before, which i find too boring when celebrating birthdays. birthday parties should be (if you must, but not necessarily) spontaneous, and requires less arranging if you have to have one.

more often than not, Adrian and i celebrate birthdays with just the very immediate of his family and or very closest (who might be busy too).


this year, i had the stress-free thought that my birthday is just me, Adrian and a very special family member Kharla.

initially, the plan was to spend it in a cottage somewhere in the middle of the country, together with good friends Cheryl and Glen, but they were in Brussels the time we planned the cottage holiday. (not to mention i was doing a research in the middle of it all) so that plan was scrapped.


the next best thing to do was to have the celebration with just the three of us in london in the usual way, a nice dinner in one of our favourite restaurants and a show too.


Adrian booked the Mamma Mia musical for the three of us on the Saturday (a day before my bithday), and a dinner at San Francesco--one of the best Italian resto's in London (a must try) just near the Westend..


And the next day, we spent another dinner in one of the INdian resto's locally after a (rainy) day in Maldon estuary to do some sightseeing for our very special guest.


Here are some photos from my canon compact (i couldt bring an SLR to the show) to remind me of the days...






just before we started..this was how close we were..=)

she's excited to see her first Westend show. (and it wont be her last, i promised her)




squirming in her seat from the cold

during the intermission..grabbing soem drinks at the lobby

mr. and mrs. shot

the birthday made special because she was there=)

having some ice cream

the ending of the show

i did this discreetly. i was still approached by one of the attendants (*ulk*)

by the billboard...it was so sunny on that saturday

suroy suroy around shaftsbury avenue

the obligatory touristy stops..chinatown

on the way to covent garden..we bumped into a happy group of hen partygoers

they were enjoying too much, i must say

at Covent garden, the square...

watching the show down below

the greatest friend anyone could wish for

two of my greatest allies..=)

birthday girl..=)

listening to Adrian's silly stories

how was the calamaris?

tiny restaurant..cozy,and owned by a proper italian gentleman

the rule is: no digging in, before the shot=)

kharla's order: pasta in white wine sauce




by leicester square...the temperature getting too cold at this time.

we all love the National Gallery..its such a beautiful building, dont you agree?

there was something going on in Trafalgar square the next day

coffee break and people watching at a coffee shop across Trafalgar Square before we head home:-)

**

the only evidence of the next night..after a tour around maldon estuary and got drenched in the rain...


we had dinner at an Indian restaurant...our favourite Masala Hut..





she enjoyed her first authentic indian/punjabi meal..

bless, look at our drenched faces.haha..

***

our friends cheryl and glen were booked to see us that same week for another night of wine and food to celebrate my birthday and for them to officially meet Kharla, but then the next day after my birthday, we found out Glen had a heart attack.

Kharla had to meet my best buddies in the hospital.

i was so sad because of Glen's illness, but thankfully, he's had an op and it was successful.

its a happy birthday overall =)

and 7 years after..

..we still argue about how to photograph me..








and im getting fed up by it, from the looks of it...




..and on the train..thank you heavens for one-outstretched arm, to take photos using the phone..








happy 7th year dearest hubby..

you have been the best at everything, except at taking photographs..but nevertheless, you are irreplaceable=)x



****


..he apparently just needed warming up..x






**

photos from the iphone..x

no title

just me and him.

simple as that.

papa talk

i spoke to my mama for my regular sunday phone call with her. she told me that she and the rest of the family went to the cemetery to visit Papa's grave.

it pinched me. because God, how i wish i was with them.

my father died in January 2007,just after a great christmas holiday we spent with him, and after a promise that he was coming to visit me here in England.

but of course, he never ever had the chance to visit me. (which makes me sad). after we organised for the long arduous process of his passport, he died.

but not to dwell on my sadness, my father is a pinch in my chest. he is.

he was my first hero, and he could do no wrong in my eyes. even if he died no matter what age, whether at 100 years old, or his 57 years, he would still be a pinch in my chest to talk about and remember. people we love, we always wish and somehow mentally bestow immortality on them.

in my life as a blogger since 2004, i have spoken of my love of my father since i could remember although not solely, oftentimes my blogs are peppered with narration of adoration for the first man who had my heart.

he was and still is a pinch in my heart because apart from everything else, he was my driving force to everything i did in my life. i sought his approval for everything, from clothes, boyfriends (not that i heeded, but i sought his nod like crazy), and career choice.


my father was also my ally. my Mama and i, when we had our mini-quarrels, i ran to my papa. i always did. but my papa always sided with my mama, lol. but even then, he could do no wrong. he was still loved.

i always look forward to talking to him because he would always laugh on the other end of the line when i make jokes or make some weird comment about my new life in england and tell him of my 'weird dreams for the family'. and i love it, when he says on the phone "taod-taod na lagi ka wala katawag" / "its been some time since you phoned" even if the last time was a day ago.


and he would always say to my cousins jokingly "nindaot na lagi ka karl" "youve lost weight karl" everytime karla comes over. (he cant even see, he was blind!,LOL).


i dont know where this story is heading but this is important to me. because you, the reader has to know that for whatever i am now, and whatever i do, its all because there was a man named Celso who is beloved and is sorely missed until the day he would welcome me aboard in our maker's kingdom.


i am writing this because this makes me feel whole again.


and its because, there is one day that i am allowed to talk about the father who has long gone and yet still pinches the sore scabs of the heart left splintered the day he stopped breathing.








i miss him so much. there is not a day i am not reminded that he lived.

India looms

***

photo: my visa for india..

***

for some time, i have had reservations regarding the India trip. If you know me, one of my greatest fears is visa applications anywhere in the world.

ive always find applying for one such a nerve wracking exercise, no matter what country you're applying to especially if you have committed to alot of people and being denied one always means disappointing the people you comitted to.

i always associate my visa fears to some traumatic experiences in the past. one is the last application for my sister's and my brother's visa to come and visit me in this country. it was longwinded and just too much bureaucracy. i know we all have to do it, but if you know in your heart these people arent intending to stay in the country they're visiting and still get such treatment like an illegal immigrant, its so frustrating to say the least.


but thats not my biggest visa story. There was one application in July 2005.

My cousin Joan was getting married in August that year, and she was so sweet, she moved her wedding to August, instead of their original plan so i could attend the wedding since i intended to come home that month.

Adrian and i almost were not given the visa/stamp. We were told that i lacked 1 document, (for the year 2004) even if i have given them all my payslips in all the months of 2004, and all addressed to the same address as that of Adrian's (we were living together after all,LOL).


I was quite upset because i had all documents except just 1 minor one (a utility bill) that i lacked because i thought i have given more than enough documentation and proof.


But the man wasnt satisfied. he said he couldnt justify that Adrian and i lived together and are living as Man and wife without that gas bill under my name in year 2004. (apparently they wanted 3 utility bills, i only gave two and a handful of bank statements and the whole year of payslips which were all under the same address).


If he had some common sense, he would know we were genuine. But of course, they are very bookish, and they stick to certain rules that they need to follow and boxes to tick.

We pleaded and asked him to please just stamp the visa, and that we have a wedding to attend in Cebu the week after and i wont be able to come back to the UK if the stamp isnt given to me, as my old visa will expire.

He wouldnt have it.

You know what happened next?


It was the first time i saw Adrian tearfully pleading to anyone a man at that and pleaded with him. My heart just leaped and felt sooo sorry for him. Here was my husband who is a well respected instructor, who has pride and self-respect, would plead to man (tearfully) and begging him to consider. (it makes me tearful everytime i remember that moment).

This was happening infront of a queue of people, who could see what he and i were doing as our voices were getting louder as the man was behind a glass enclosure.

I felt sorry for Adrian and my heart just got so crushed seeing my husband like that, who i know would never do that to anyone, but he did so that time, because HE WANTED ME TO STAY in the country.

What did i do?

I scooped the semi kneeling Adrian and hugged him (i didnt care what people thought, to hell with them that time), and i said to him "honey, you didnt need to do that.you dont need to kneel down and beg anyone for my sake.. dont worry, i will just phone Joan and tell her we cant go home as i need time to process my residency. i know she will understand", and gave the man behind the counter a dagger look. Adrian wouldnt have it as he feels letting Joan down, and the option would be to let me go home and stay for a few months while sorting the permit to come back which could take months or a year!

I eventually convinced him by telling him, id rather risk the ire of my family than leaving him on his own and not be able to come back for a time just so i could sort the visa. (i knew Joan would have understood).

I hugged Adrian (i was also crying this time) and told him were leaving and didnt give the man behind the counter any courtesy as he felt he didnt deserve it.


We went out, and just by the exit area, the security guard called us back. And we were asked to go to a different desk. The man who served us was there waiting for us, and said "look, im not supposed to give you a consideration like this, but how can you get me the document within today?".

as we live just under an hour away from Croydon we told the man we could get the document within two hours, he gave us a special pass to go and come back the very same day (not a usual happening apparently).

i dont know what changed his mind, but i have realised that once we stop bending over and foregoing our principles for the sake of bureucracy, things can still go our way.

Adrian and i did our part, the hell would i let my husband ask and beg for my sake and humiliate himself? I didnt have the heart to see him do that.

But after the incident the man saw beyond what alot of people only see, the age, culture and color difference,it all means nothing. Not when love is involved.

So visa and visa applications, theyre tricky. people who have the power to stamp your passports do not only need the basic intelligence to read your documents and applications, but also the common sense to read what goes on infront of them.


***

i am getting all emotional writing this down. its another humbling reminder how such one person love me to bits. and a beautiful reminder that i love him back.

with all my heart. fiercely.


***

im tagging you to write a moment in your life where love has more than proven itself to you.

you, who care to share.

***

[edit: i am going to india to photograph my friend's wedding and his brother's wedding, and a few days to go around see some sights..and on the way back to the UK, a stopover for a few days in Dubai to see friends..*excited*].

closure

pastel perfect house in portobello..just like in dreams


***



this blog appeared in my dream for the last three weeks. recurrent, and persistent.

one was that i opened the blog and the colour scheme changed (from blue it turned to lavender) and i was browsing through the old blogs as if it was someone else owned it, and yet i saw photos of myself and familiar faces. entries were familiar, yet someone else owned it.

i felt a pang of jealousy there, that i remember most of that dream.

another dream was that i read a comment from someone famous. i forgot who it was now, but for the love of me, no matter what i do, the comment would not register. i kept apologising to the commentor but the commentor for some reason cannot be reached. it was frustrating that dream.


and the other night this blog reappeared again, it was owned by some old lady who had ties with the cooking world. she was a popular chef and i bumped into this blog and read through her entries only to find out, that her entries were my old entries yet people's comments were directed at her and her fabulous cooking, and her wonderful restaurant. i felt a pang of jealousy. (this blog is mine! this blog is mine!)..(oh and the fettucine they mentioned sounded divine,haha).


i know there are so many schools of thought that try to interpret dreams. interpretations of the dreams may vary from the freudian, subliminal, and to oldschool baloney but it all boils down to one thing.

i have parting issues with this blog. this was (and still is) my favourite.

i dished out alot more here and poured my heart and soul to it more than i did anywhere.

i re-read the entries here again and i have so much grown from who i was. this space has been with me all throughout bouts of sickness, travels, happiness, triumphs and a whole lot of transitions, whether internal or physical changes.

this is where i felt most vulnerable in too.

where we speak our most innermost thoughts, our most precious dreams, our most sacred thoughts, thats where vulnerability sets in. we know we can easily get attacked and when we divulge those innermost feelings--what we divulge can be used against us.

but that doesnt erase the feeling that the closure of this blog emanated from too much self consciousness.

that feeling has passed. yet i feel i cheated myself to one of the best blogs i have ever given myself.

i need closure, but i cannot give myself that.

needs must.

the saga continues.

its valentines day

and i thought we were just watching dvd and a nice meal indoors.

its still very chilly outside so we are snuggled up in the front room watching a romantic dvd (oh the cheese, he has to put up with with me).

just when we paused the dvd for a tea break, he came back bearing flowers, a present and a (sweet) card.

and what does he get from me? an e card! a blog entry e-card,LOL..(well, there was the surprise homemade dinner (and the heart-shaped mashed potatoes,LOL, and the dvd.LOL).


tomorrow, we are off to london for a 'meal'...and a suroy-suroy...we dont do valentines, really, we dont.

its just one of those days, na timing lang.

well ok. we do.


for now, at least.

morning has broken

(photo: a lovely cottage we passed by during our hiking jaunt

in August, 2009,

Dove Dale,Peak District)




***


you know that feeling that someone just whacked you in the head with something hard and blunt? painful?...but not too painful to kill your lights out? well, thats how i felt the day this happened.

after all the assurances of my love ones that the cousin in question was out of order, i'm beginning to feel my breathing is coming on its normal rhythm, less of the short hard gasps i was experiencing that very day.

i guess, anger does that to me. i presume, it does to everyone.

just when you get over the anger, there is sadness. sadness, that you get a reminder about family squabbles, resentment and general bad feeling, which you just started to get over from.


and even more sadness, that its not over. yet.



***

after talking to people i love, i am reassured that the outburst of that cousin was because he has been having a bad time lately. (works, and family related).

i will give him that.


i also warned them that if the cousin's mom would come and visit, they should avoid small talks and getting entrapped into a conversation that might lead being misinterpreted.


sad,isnt it? that it has come to this?

its not family anymore, if you start to be careful and be wary about what you say to them.

definitely, you should be yourself with your relatives, and be able to share freely and laugh, and joke around, but when one has to tread carefully, i dont know if that is a kind of relationship i want to keep at all.


the signs are there..

one should move on.


***

the husband is turning a year older this thursday (28th). we are off to enjoy a meal at a fine dining chinese restaurant with Mark (my stepson), and my inlaws Anne and Alan.

on Friday night, we are celebrating his birthday with friends Glenn and Cheryl at our favourite indian hangout.

oh the joys of food!

something that always make me smile.

something to definitely make me smile.

for inspiration

no use complaining, whining and asking heavens why certain bouts of mini 'bad luck' has been happening to me the last few days.


i am (still) so blessed.



my hiccups are nothing compared to our fellowmen in haiti, struck with the worst luck of all.



i thank you Lord.



***



how's this for inspiration?


my darling niece mika...melting my heart once again.





how's that for inspiration?

(a sure fire way to lift my spirits up)



***

just doing this blog,and posting a photo took me a loooong time.

poor laptop,has had enough of my abuse the last years.

let me tell you

...about Adrian.

about how thankful i am to him.

about how special he makes me feel, and my family too...

and even if he says "dont go talking mush about me on your blogs" i know he says that with a smile and a blush..

i need to write it here..because there are days he can be a pain in the bum too (lol), and i will just read this and remember that he is after all, a big soft bear...



-he wrote (and pestered) our MP-

to sort out Ana's and Roi's visa because of the sham that happened in the application (they, the people in the embassy in manila, wrongly thought that Ana and Roi were husband and wife..even with all the documents both provided to apply, birth certificate and all).

Adrian wrote quite an impressionable letter to our Member of parliament ( our version of Congressman/ who represents the people under the region they represent) and pointed out how unjust, that they turn down genuine tourists (by not reading the application properly).



-he arranged for my family to go to certain parts of the country/and at least 3x weekly London trips to maximise their stay.

he finds it amusing that my mother almost always refuses the trips we offer to London as she hates walking. (tsk,tsk,tsk..all that commuting in cabs and jeepneys Mams, does not help here..London is a 'walking' destination).

he came home one day,to find Roi, Ana,mom and i, huddled watching tv in the front room, and wondered why we didnt go to London as he planned. i told him the reason: they found it too cold that day. he laughed and could not believe we prefer 'staying in' than 'going out'. (well, between 'ice cold chill' and 'warm cozy home', we prefer the latter).



- the day my laptop died (after buying the 'plug-in' internet, after days of no internet), has made me so depressed. i shed a few tears, (it was panic about some albums of photos i left there, which i have not moved to my external harddrive yet *stupid me!*, and assignments looming without a laptop),too saddend about the death of my precious laptop.

at the dinner table with Mama, he mentioned casually, that i should not be too depressed about my laptop and said that "who knows, its time to get a Macbook"..

my mama laughed when she saw my worried look, because i didnt want Adrian to give up on my laptop. it was barely 3 years old. everything was tiptop shape, and i had retrievables on it. photos which i needed (badly). my laptop was in perfect condition (if i have not overcharged it 24 hours 7 days a week,and without turning off) it might have survived. the symptoms of overheating was there. i was just plain stubborn and careless.



-every morning,he doesnt want to wake me up for him to go to work. (for those who dont know, im on leave from work; so i could concentrate on touring guests and university work). i always wake up to prepare his stuff, but he tells me to go to bed. i occasionally take his advise but normally around 4 out of 5 times, i'd jump out from bed and take the opportunity to have a morning 'chat' over his breakfast and my coffee..




-he keeps telling my family how wonderful his life has been eversince we have been together..every single day.



-last night, everyone was watching this dancing program on tv where a woman wore a sexy dance outfit, and i blurted out ,"gosh, i want to be able to wear that...well, i am allowed to, but im sure, it wouldnt have that same effect".

everyone laughed but he hugged me and kissed my forehead "i wouldn't want to change a single thing about you".


and that my dears, made me feel, like i am the cat that got the cream...and the cherry on top.



..and that the excuse to diet tomorrow, is officially postponed indefinitely,lol.

today, the 8th of november

after hearing mass, (and feeling enlightened by such powerful words by a charismatic priest),we took mama to a lunch at a charming little resto in leigh-on-sea.

and a little browse and smooch in battlesbridge antiques centre.


i could say it was a little quiet and laidback sunday than we normally would, but there is a reason.

the reason, will reveal to you soon.



***

i wrote this on a piece of napkin for adrian to read while we were waiting for the bill.




to which he responded with a smile and a kiss.



***


last night (the 7th), this was devoured in honor for someone's birthday.

that someone i know is an ice cream lover.

so what better way to eat ice cream in the middle of a burgeoning winter, but to celebrate someone who is so loved.





vanilla ice cream on hot belgian waffle and chocolate sauce..=)



***





its amazing that christmas is just around the corner once again.

as most of my friends know, ill be celebrating it with my family in cebu (with Adrian).

i have so many moments being acted in my mind,moments of fun, food and conversations (catching up!) that comes along with the season's celebrations.

all moments with family and friends...and i know, most of it will come true (with prayers).

my life right now is a hazy whirlwind of activities and it just gets the best of me. i am ever so grateful, and i feel so blessed.

and i know you guys will agree with me that prayers do work.