i miss little miss ana

i just miss my funny, free-spirited and talented one and only sister.

i could use some of her energy in the house right now.


***

adrian and i loved it when she was here.

she just fitted in, like she lived here for ages. in the country, and in our home.

i cant wait to have her again in 2012.

by then, id be energised to do alot of the beautiful things i was surrounded by when she was here: make-up, photography, theatre, dressing-up, museum trawling, bookstore hopping, stationary smooching, and food feasting.

im so excited with the thought of surrounding myself with those girly luxuries when she's here.

*praying to heavens*


***


{photo: thats her, Ana, just outside our favourite Fortnum and Mason store..after that,we had Knickerbocker glory ice cream in their parlour and a mini shop of a book she found (which she left here by the way)...its nice to have a sister who's such an individual and so different from you, yet so much the same as well}

missing moments with her

someone asked me where i get the energy to listen to people's aggros and problems and make them laugh.

in truth, i do have that energy because there is someone in my life, who listens to my shallowness, my whines, and very own aggravation.

my best friend, Kharla.

she listens to my dramas, my problems (true and self-inflicted,haha) without any judgement ,with all ears, also in the end she prays with/and for me.

in other words, she is my shrink. by being so, she gives me all the energy (and sanity) to cope with homesickness and some more extra.

so having her here in my house as my treat was nothing to me. it was nothing for the big and great things this woman has done for me.

i miss her. and i look forward when she could come back and i could treat her special once again.


***



waiting for the train

another train ride with the best friend i am lucky to have been given

the day we saw the Pope..

**

do you miss your best friend?

what it is lately

Sadness overwhelms me. its quite weird because the sun is full in its shining glory from the moment you wake and up until 9pm, and i always associated my temporal sadness to this country's grey skies.

Can you imagine eating dinner when you feel like its lunch time still? the sun gives that impression. The sun has been very faithful lately and it gives you that sense of being awake, no matter how little sleep you've had the night before.

Ennui has come over me again, maybe, because i have been out of touch to alot of people dear to me, and my husband comes home to an already tired and depleted wife, while whatever energy left of him is out to tend to his garden which needs some TLC of water. The lack of rain is becoming evident, amidst adrian's blooming garden.


There is not much to do, and there is so little motivation to do it. (I was always known to be someone who cant deal with being on my own, thus maybe the demotivation). This is the cross to bear when you live far and away from people dear and close to you. The husband can only do so much with a wife who cannot be excited to do anything or motivated to be doing other than slumping infront of the television after a long day's work. Come weekend, im too exhausted to even think about socialising. Although my husband is a continuous source of joy and comfort, there is that space inside you that can only be fulfilled by family, by longtime friends, who know you inside out.


So please, bear with me the next few weeks, while i battle with my own demons. I know, sooner or later,(after some self reflection and some time with friends) my spirit would have nourished itself and it will come back in time to reclaim ME..deep down, no matter how i come across, or how i seem to be, i do care, and i am trying to be gentle with hearts close to me, no matter sometimes, taking care of mine, is put in the backdoor.


***


some pictures from the front of the house..

im showing off Adrian's hardwork (im talking about the flowers being in full bloom as he has no talent in landscaping whatsoeveer,haha). He is amazing, as he is quite a busy man, yet he has so much time for his garden, for me and for the house. Where he gets his energy i dont know.

i sometimes, wish im like him. so gallantly confident, not clingy for attention and love, not overbearing, and so kind with words.

his back garden is in full bloom with fruit and vegetable produce, and even more flowers. I will take pictures of them when ive cleared out the rockery that he still have not finished, It just looks chaos right now.




one of the many pots he revived




the side of the house is a spurt of colour...these flowers are such beautiful decoration to an ageing house





some of his blooms..he has this profound love for his plants and flowers, and you can tell that the saying that "gardening is a relaxing hobby" is true, as it extends to Adrian's personality. He is chilled and so relaxed, i envy him. i am the exact opposite. i worry about everything. i lose sleep over the most trivial of things.



***

just sharing all these..coz maybe, once i press the send button, i might feel the sun in my veins, and start reclaiming lost summer days fretting over the future which may not be mine to start with.

papa talk

i spoke to my mama for my regular sunday phone call with her. she told me that she and the rest of the family went to the cemetery to visit Papa's grave.

it pinched me. because God, how i wish i was with them.

my father died in January 2007,just after a great christmas holiday we spent with him, and after a promise that he was coming to visit me here in England.

but of course, he never ever had the chance to visit me. (which makes me sad). after we organised for the long arduous process of his passport, he died.

but not to dwell on my sadness, my father is a pinch in my chest. he is.

he was my first hero, and he could do no wrong in my eyes. even if he died no matter what age, whether at 100 years old, or his 57 years, he would still be a pinch in my chest to talk about and remember. people we love, we always wish and somehow mentally bestow immortality on them.

in my life as a blogger since 2004, i have spoken of my love of my father since i could remember although not solely, oftentimes my blogs are peppered with narration of adoration for the first man who had my heart.

he was and still is a pinch in my heart because apart from everything else, he was my driving force to everything i did in my life. i sought his approval for everything, from clothes, boyfriends (not that i heeded, but i sought his nod like crazy), and career choice.


my father was also my ally. my Mama and i, when we had our mini-quarrels, i ran to my papa. i always did. but my papa always sided with my mama, lol. but even then, he could do no wrong. he was still loved.

i always look forward to talking to him because he would always laugh on the other end of the line when i make jokes or make some weird comment about my new life in england and tell him of my 'weird dreams for the family'. and i love it, when he says on the phone "taod-taod na lagi ka wala katawag" / "its been some time since you phoned" even if the last time was a day ago.


and he would always say to my cousins jokingly "nindaot na lagi ka karl" "youve lost weight karl" everytime karla comes over. (he cant even see, he was blind!,LOL).


i dont know where this story is heading but this is important to me. because you, the reader has to know that for whatever i am now, and whatever i do, its all because there was a man named Celso who is beloved and is sorely missed until the day he would welcome me aboard in our maker's kingdom.


i am writing this because this makes me feel whole again.


and its because, there is one day that i am allowed to talk about the father who has long gone and yet still pinches the sore scabs of the heart left splintered the day he stopped breathing.








i miss him so much. there is not a day i am not reminded that he lived.

the missing link

ask me how my inaanaks look like right now, and what they're busy about at this moment, i could generally tell you what they are doing. my kumares are very good at letting me know how the kids are and and are always making me part of the lives of their little ones, my inaanaks.

it also helps that i am connected with them through blogs and Facebook which makes it easy to browse through their photos and get updated.

but my niece,Mika on the other hand, who i love dearly, ask me how she is, i wouldn't be able to tell you much. ironic? say it again.

its not for the lack of trying, its just, theres not much news i could get from her parents. her dad/my brother is not the talkative type so his reporting style will be curt and short. plus, the people he talk to in the house aren't much of a reporters to me too (due to commitments). so what little they get from my brother on his visits to mama's house, it is compressed to very little back to me. my sister-in-law and my brother are at work, so she and my brother aren't on the computers much (esp. with a baby, who has the time?LOL).


in my breaks and when i have time, i continually browse through Mika's photos, old that that they are, but they're perfect for the meantime. They are something for me to hold on to, until i see her again next year.






the photos come from Ana's photos that i copied on my portable drive.

i scrounge for every piece of photos my niece has. like an addict looking for that last morsel of coke before the withdrawal symptoms kick in.


they'll do for now. they'll do for now.

India looms

***

photo: my visa for india..

***

for some time, i have had reservations regarding the India trip. If you know me, one of my greatest fears is visa applications anywhere in the world.

ive always find applying for one such a nerve wracking exercise, no matter what country you're applying to especially if you have committed to alot of people and being denied one always means disappointing the people you comitted to.

i always associate my visa fears to some traumatic experiences in the past. one is the last application for my sister's and my brother's visa to come and visit me in this country. it was longwinded and just too much bureaucracy. i know we all have to do it, but if you know in your heart these people arent intending to stay in the country they're visiting and still get such treatment like an illegal immigrant, its so frustrating to say the least.


but thats not my biggest visa story. There was one application in July 2005.

My cousin Joan was getting married in August that year, and she was so sweet, she moved her wedding to August, instead of their original plan so i could attend the wedding since i intended to come home that month.

Adrian and i almost were not given the visa/stamp. We were told that i lacked 1 document, (for the year 2004) even if i have given them all my payslips in all the months of 2004, and all addressed to the same address as that of Adrian's (we were living together after all,LOL).


I was quite upset because i had all documents except just 1 minor one (a utility bill) that i lacked because i thought i have given more than enough documentation and proof.


But the man wasnt satisfied. he said he couldnt justify that Adrian and i lived together and are living as Man and wife without that gas bill under my name in year 2004. (apparently they wanted 3 utility bills, i only gave two and a handful of bank statements and the whole year of payslips which were all under the same address).


If he had some common sense, he would know we were genuine. But of course, they are very bookish, and they stick to certain rules that they need to follow and boxes to tick.

We pleaded and asked him to please just stamp the visa, and that we have a wedding to attend in Cebu the week after and i wont be able to come back to the UK if the stamp isnt given to me, as my old visa will expire.

He wouldnt have it.

You know what happened next?


It was the first time i saw Adrian tearfully pleading to anyone a man at that and pleaded with him. My heart just leaped and felt sooo sorry for him. Here was my husband who is a well respected instructor, who has pride and self-respect, would plead to man (tearfully) and begging him to consider. (it makes me tearful everytime i remember that moment).

This was happening infront of a queue of people, who could see what he and i were doing as our voices were getting louder as the man was behind a glass enclosure.

I felt sorry for Adrian and my heart just got so crushed seeing my husband like that, who i know would never do that to anyone, but he did so that time, because HE WANTED ME TO STAY in the country.

What did i do?

I scooped the semi kneeling Adrian and hugged him (i didnt care what people thought, to hell with them that time), and i said to him "honey, you didnt need to do that.you dont need to kneel down and beg anyone for my sake.. dont worry, i will just phone Joan and tell her we cant go home as i need time to process my residency. i know she will understand", and gave the man behind the counter a dagger look. Adrian wouldnt have it as he feels letting Joan down, and the option would be to let me go home and stay for a few months while sorting the permit to come back which could take months or a year!

I eventually convinced him by telling him, id rather risk the ire of my family than leaving him on his own and not be able to come back for a time just so i could sort the visa. (i knew Joan would have understood).

I hugged Adrian (i was also crying this time) and told him were leaving and didnt give the man behind the counter any courtesy as he felt he didnt deserve it.


We went out, and just by the exit area, the security guard called us back. And we were asked to go to a different desk. The man who served us was there waiting for us, and said "look, im not supposed to give you a consideration like this, but how can you get me the document within today?".

as we live just under an hour away from Croydon we told the man we could get the document within two hours, he gave us a special pass to go and come back the very same day (not a usual happening apparently).

i dont know what changed his mind, but i have realised that once we stop bending over and foregoing our principles for the sake of bureucracy, things can still go our way.

Adrian and i did our part, the hell would i let my husband ask and beg for my sake and humiliate himself? I didnt have the heart to see him do that.

But after the incident the man saw beyond what alot of people only see, the age, culture and color difference,it all means nothing. Not when love is involved.

So visa and visa applications, theyre tricky. people who have the power to stamp your passports do not only need the basic intelligence to read your documents and applications, but also the common sense to read what goes on infront of them.


***

i am getting all emotional writing this down. its another humbling reminder how such one person love me to bits. and a beautiful reminder that i love him back.

with all my heart. fiercely.


***

im tagging you to write a moment in your life where love has more than proven itself to you.

you, who care to share.

***

[edit: i am going to india to photograph my friend's wedding and his brother's wedding, and a few days to go around see some sights..and on the way back to the UK, a stopover for a few days in Dubai to see friends..*excited*].

the auntie who clings to memories...desperately

(my brother jojo, my sweet sister-in-law Mayel...and my favourite little person,Mika, with her tongue out,LOL..photo taken the night we arrived in cebu..sutukil dinnner)



***



goodness. i never knew i would be this attached to my niece.

every single day, her photos are such a pick-me-up after a tiring day at work (thank goodness i have hundreds in my drive stashed for sustenance,lol).

tonight, feeling emotional after a heavy day at work, adrian brought up the topic about mika and how she was such a good girl during our travels. i felt teary eyed. apart from i miss all of the people she lives with, i just miss kissing her chubby cheeks and hearing her squeal with delight.

i wish she's well and healthy, and being a good girl..

im sad i cant see her until 2011 when she's a 2 year old (bless her) by then, but i will be happy because i know she's well taken cared of by her mommy and daddy and her lola helen and her tito roi and tita ana.


***

apologies, im a first time auntie.

and yes, she is cute.


(i used to miss my other nieces/nephews,[children of my cousins] but they never stick around too long to be around me, so never found time to get to know them without their mommies and daddies..unlike Mika who has no choice but be with Adrian and i when we want to,LOL).


***

how about you? who are you missing right now?

mika missing + birthday excitement

*photo of myself and my cute niece Mika*



i really miss this babe..

i kept watching her video tucked nicely in my digicam. i have not downloaded it yet.

knowing my luck with computers, i just want it to be safe without getting it lost.



***

im supposed to be tucked in bed nicely right now, but not yet.

im secretly plotting my surprise to adrian tomorrow.

im also wrapping his presents (2 new books, which he wanted to buy for a long time but he couldnt be bothered to order).

ohhhh, i love birthdays..

especially those birthdays of people i love.

a day off for my man

today i was told i shouldnt come in to the prison because theyre finishing off some requirements i need before i can do one-on-one client contact.

{UK prisons and hospitals are so particular with the safety of staff and inmates/patients}


so what am i to do?


go and grab the opportunity to go get something for Adrian, who is celebrating his birthday this week (28th).


here are some pics from the most generous man i know...

photos taken from the recent christmas fairies giftgiving at St.Johns community (december 2009)..

(PS: i still we all the fairies a report from the giftgiving...i will , promise!)
















it will be difficult to get something for someone who is always so giving of himself to me and my family,and to all those i love.

missing

i am missing my love ones back home..

i just remembered all the good times weve had the past few months (including the months my family were here).

i have a treasureful of wonderful photos from the times we were together and i keep flipping through them.

Adrian and i were talking about how great it were to have them here too, with mama cooking all our favourite food.

Adrian and i couldnt wait until they come back here again.


now is the 'grace' period for me to save up for that dream.


here's a photo of Roi and Daisy (my friend's Cheryl's pet dog)in one of the parties we attended late 2009.





cute noh?...and the dog too..=) LOL

dear ana, mama, and roi...i miss you

"so soon?",you might ask...

the house feels empty (and gosh, it feels big without us making chaos everyday in it).

your rooms empty and deserted.

the kitchen is lifeless, even adrian is sombre, and has lost his sene of humor (i hope its only temporary).

we treated ourselves to some shopping (in pretense of getting clothes for our christmas there) just so we could cheer ourselves up.

shopping felt less fun today, and adrian quipped, Lakeside will not be the same again ( i agreed silently).

we both talked over coffee and cakes (our usual comfort companions in times of melancholy), and chatted over flimsy topics and mustered up wry excitement for our impending flight.


but it doesnt take away that the month you stayed with us (or two months in your case Mams), were beautiful each and every second...and i mean that.

i cant wait for 2012.


love,

C and A



***


i know this letter sounds stupid and silly when im going to see you again (pohon) this Thursday but its always like that...we are better together than apart..


and Mams, i could not find the energy to cook for myself and Adrian tonight, so Adrian and i decided to just order in from the local take-away.

incomparable to eating dinners made by you.


i cant wait to see you again in Cebu.

love,

chelski..xx



***





the "little" sis with me..






the ever wacky Roi






Mama, myself and Ana..in one of the parties held at the house..

let me tell you

...about Adrian.

about how thankful i am to him.

about how special he makes me feel, and my family too...

and even if he says "dont go talking mush about me on your blogs" i know he says that with a smile and a blush..

i need to write it here..because there are days he can be a pain in the bum too (lol), and i will just read this and remember that he is after all, a big soft bear...



-he wrote (and pestered) our MP-

to sort out Ana's and Roi's visa because of the sham that happened in the application (they, the people in the embassy in manila, wrongly thought that Ana and Roi were husband and wife..even with all the documents both provided to apply, birth certificate and all).

Adrian wrote quite an impressionable letter to our Member of parliament ( our version of Congressman/ who represents the people under the region they represent) and pointed out how unjust, that they turn down genuine tourists (by not reading the application properly).



-he arranged for my family to go to certain parts of the country/and at least 3x weekly London trips to maximise their stay.

he finds it amusing that my mother almost always refuses the trips we offer to London as she hates walking. (tsk,tsk,tsk..all that commuting in cabs and jeepneys Mams, does not help here..London is a 'walking' destination).

he came home one day,to find Roi, Ana,mom and i, huddled watching tv in the front room, and wondered why we didnt go to London as he planned. i told him the reason: they found it too cold that day. he laughed and could not believe we prefer 'staying in' than 'going out'. (well, between 'ice cold chill' and 'warm cozy home', we prefer the latter).



- the day my laptop died (after buying the 'plug-in' internet, after days of no internet), has made me so depressed. i shed a few tears, (it was panic about some albums of photos i left there, which i have not moved to my external harddrive yet *stupid me!*, and assignments looming without a laptop),too saddend about the death of my precious laptop.

at the dinner table with Mama, he mentioned casually, that i should not be too depressed about my laptop and said that "who knows, its time to get a Macbook"..

my mama laughed when she saw my worried look, because i didnt want Adrian to give up on my laptop. it was barely 3 years old. everything was tiptop shape, and i had retrievables on it. photos which i needed (badly). my laptop was in perfect condition (if i have not overcharged it 24 hours 7 days a week,and without turning off) it might have survived. the symptoms of overheating was there. i was just plain stubborn and careless.



-every morning,he doesnt want to wake me up for him to go to work. (for those who dont know, im on leave from work; so i could concentrate on touring guests and university work). i always wake up to prepare his stuff, but he tells me to go to bed. i occasionally take his advise but normally around 4 out of 5 times, i'd jump out from bed and take the opportunity to have a morning 'chat' over his breakfast and my coffee..




-he keeps telling my family how wonderful his life has been eversince we have been together..every single day.



-last night, everyone was watching this dancing program on tv where a woman wore a sexy dance outfit, and i blurted out ,"gosh, i want to be able to wear that...well, i am allowed to, but im sure, it wouldnt have that same effect".

everyone laughed but he hugged me and kissed my forehead "i wouldn't want to change a single thing about you".


and that my dears, made me feel, like i am the cat that got the cream...and the cherry on top.



..and that the excuse to diet tomorrow, is officially postponed indefinitely,lol.

neglectful but not out of choice..

i'm first to admit, i have not been very diligent leaving my comments on my girls' blogs recently, but its not because i have not tried. i did. but i have two powers against me.

1st off: time.

-gosh, i never knew i thought i'd show a longing face whenever someone mention's the word "sleep". time seems to be such a commodity with me these days.

for instance, tonight, i just came back from my brother in law's birthday party. the whole afternoon today was spent out with the family buying christmas present-shopping. the morning was spent organizing my university project,and going to the hospital to borrow some equipment for my 'movie'...(re: movie: is an assignment i have been working on the last few weeks..its a DVD presentation regarding a case study).

every single day,we are out of the house doing touristy stuff. the whole weekend was spent in Stonehenge and Bath. if its not that, its in London doing touristy rites of passages: ie: the London Eye, Tower of London, Madame Tussaud's, Kensington Palace,etc..


those above, and university days, not to mention working on my essays.

during the nights, im either working on a book for research, or having tete-a-tete with visiting family, if were not out and about somewhere.


and because of time constraints, i feel im so sleep deprived.



Second: blog templates

-i have said this again, some people's blogs have 'embed' comment..i cant comment on those formats for some reason..but i can on 'pop-up' comments. (paging Aileen...i suddenly cant comment on your blog, whereas i was able to, the other night *scratches balding crown*).



***

I never thought too that I would miss my laptop this much. its suddenly when now, using Ana's laptop made me realize i had a 'good one' which loved me unconditionally. it sat here for me for ages, but i mistook it for dutiful service of a relatively expensive laptop.

but all laptops go to heaven too.

mine is in the icu (intensive care unit) for laptops.

i promise to kiss it when it comes back. Adrian asked me whether i would like a new laptop for christmas, i felt a sudden pang of missing my old one. it was still in good condition (it was just 3 years old).


when it comes back from the repair centre, i promise to appreciate what it was for--an extension of my life.



***

here's a photo of me, just in case you forgot how i look like now.LOL...




( im at least 10 pounds more heavier than in that photo..that photo was taken on 15th of November..blame it on mama's cooking).

appreciating someone who's normally there, to be here

i always knew that she'd be there for me.

i always knew that she'd be there when im in need.

but its really different when she's physically here (to be there for me).


***

today, mama, and i did our first 'tandem' invitation to our guests John and Bing.

and for all the times i invited people over to the house for a meal, today was the very first time, i was running late with food preps. i was relying too much on her time management, while she was relying on me to be the 'leader' of time-keeping for today's preps.

we had a laugh when we suddenly realized time was catching up and we were lagging behind.

but the guests were late, so we weren't that late at all.


because of all the excitement of lunch and the wonderful storytelling and laughter over the table, i wasn't able to take photos...

i didn't mind.

were having more soon the next few weeks,LOL.



***

photos of my mama, looking so lovestruck.











thats how she looks like watching videos of her 'apo' Mika.



its so nice to finally change my wallpaper.

it used to carry a photo of a mug that said "cebu".

now it carries a shot of mama and i...





photo taken on her second day here in the UK.

little tidbits

She has so far complained of feeling the cold...

Other than that, she is enjoying every minute of it. (so far)

Her, in pictures.





the day she arrived. after having some rest, i took her out for some groceries and some little sight seeing around the commercial complex.





had coffee and muffins at George.





you can see she's so tired



on Saturday, took her to London town




aboard the C2C




oh, nagyawyaw nasad,LOL.



Having snacks at Harrods




nag shopping ug pasalubong...=)


***

everyday, she laughs and could not believe herself being here.

everyday i pinch myself.

i am loved by God. because i have a chance to spoil her to bits..since the very start.=)



***
(Canon G10 photos)

Happy birthday Roi...

let me appreciate this brother of mine today, and recount his wonderful ways. a birthday greeting to my brother Roi..

-he tells the most awesome jokes.

-everyone in the family (relatives alike) has high respects for this man.

-he bakes the tastiest cheese muffins and inherited my mom's culinary skills. --and by next year, is planning to enrol in a proper chef university.

-he has my dad's temperament

-he has the best hospitality skills.

-never a dull moment with him. he makes the best punchlines. (not as good as mine,LOL).


-he loves children, and the neighborhood children loves him back. they all come a-knocking on the door to look for "Tito Aga" (which they thought was Roi's name,LOL).

-he loves our niece Mika, so much, he has an album in his ipod called "mika" which are all baby songs,LOL.


-he is so loving to his girlfriend Suzette,and very loyal too.

-a peacemaker, and would try to resort to bringing peace in all arguments.


-he has loads of friends.


-he is Jojo's (our other brother's) bestfriend.

-he loves his sisters so much.


-he looks like my twin.





he still has 'baby hands',we tease him about that still now,LOL..and he is our MR.Clean




just like my papa, you always see him in white tshirts (to my mama's consternation, kay gasto kaayo sa chlorox,LOL)





on his "normal" behaviour.



***


Roi, my baby bro, i love you for all of the above..and alot more...

i wish you so much in this life and for you to achieve your dreams and hopes...

and Bayoi, please be healthy always...God has big plans for you (an internship here in the UK, a restaurant, a wedding (filipiniana to noh?LOL), and my future nephews and nieces..and more)...

i feel it in my gut- youre soaring to great places because of your attitude and personality.


palangga kaayo tika. but you know that already..=)


always,

imong kaluha...(pweh!,LOL)

reality sinks in

i have come to realize: gosh, im actually just TWO WEEKS in cebu this december. the third week in spent on a holiday in another island with family.

take away the christmas holidays and new year celebrations (and the cousins and relatives tete-a-tete), im literally gasping for days to be in my fave island of sugbo. (that makes it literally 1 week of socializings).


i may have been too over zealous in promising people that i will see them..but too optimistic,maybe?


i need to segregate and allocate time.

i know there are some people, that come hail or water, no matter thunder and earthquake, i will not cancel, and i will be a their mercy because they are my constants (in real life or blog life, in happiness and in sadness, and in silliness or seriousness, they are there).


but maybe, this is also call time for me, to show those deserving of my time, attention and effort ,hehe..


because in my trying to be fair,i have been unfair to those who always have been there.


(its probably like being a mother, one cant keep giving recognition to all her twelve children when only one or two has done their part).

sigh, being a good friend, is easy....being a fair friend, is the hardest.


***


i wish i am a real supergirl...

*summoning wonder woman's powers*



***



and a Mika udate...







(Mika's photos taken by her dad's mobile)..



my little niece is growing big and strong *buyag*..

she is now 5 kilos plus..and to think she''s barely two months..apparently she drinks way too much milk,and does the usual baby business of sleeping the entire time.

everytime i see her photo, it just makes me happy. so happy in fact, that i know whatever life throws us, it will be okay.

now, if God didnt plan me to be a cool dudette of a mom..who said, i cant be the coolest kick-ass aunt there is?

*karate face*

the impending visit

my Mama, August 2008 taken by the D200..


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my mama is visiting me for two months.

she is expected to land at heathrow via british airways on wednesday morning. (another blog altogether..im still debating whether i'll go absent from uni that day, or take her with me to uni..adrian doesn't think i should leave my mom on her own because she'll feel lonely left on her own on her first day.. i agree, but i dont think i could miss the session that day as its the bulk of our thesis..what to do??).

needless to say, i am so excited and im so over the moon.

i want my mama to have the best time of her life. she deserves this vacation for the longest time..this was postponed 3x already. once with papa's birth certificate problem, then secondly when papa died, and last july when Ana and Roi's visa holdup..

[speaking of Ana and Roi---they have the option of coming this November for 5 weeks--due to their schedules, and or early next year, for two to three months..i'd know as soon as Ana finishes her finals]

i have some things lined up for my mama already. (the whole family in fact...) sights to see, plays to watch, activities to do...but i also am careful not to get carried away, because sometimes, fate does not let you forget that it has its own mind..no matter the careful planning and orchestrating of things to happen, if fate does not will it, it will not happen.


and certainly, with all the above in mind, i have some niggling worries in my head:

-will she enjoy england in autumn?

its dark and wet for most times of the day. you wake up to darkness, and the gray coloured skies.. if youre not used to it, will speak of sadness and melancholy. im glad, i have gotten used to it. i have now embraced the grayness with openness and calm, instead of my usual resistance. but it took me years to get adjusted.


-what will she do when im at work? at uni?

i have one month leave in november to be with her, but there is still the remaining days of october for her to be cooped up alone in the house for most weekdays. will she think of home most of the time? will she cry and feel abandoned?


-would she love our 'to do" list?

the usual touristy stuff (buckingham palace, kensington, museums, harrods,tower of london,etc)..and boy oh boy, the 'secret' unusual untouristy things ive set out for her. but will she enjoy tea, scones and english ceremonial teas,the markets we can trawl, the antiques on display at portobello market road, my 'suki' photoshop, the fish mongers at billingsgate and the malling dates i have penned.


-will she enjoy the food?

i have restaurants for her to try. i know im in for a treat because my mama will cook for me at least 3-4x a week, and the rest will be eating out. but will she feel elated to hear that we are eating out? would she rather stay in the comfort of home and eat what's familiar and usual?



-will she bear the cold?

i still struggle with the chill. i hope she will bear it effortlessly.


with all hopes, i pray she will enjoy the experience...and of course, that she will be safe on her flight, as shes travelling on her own.

one thing i will not doubt though, i know she will miss her one and only granddaughter Mika..


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i cannot contain my excitement..im going to have my mama for myself, for a few weeks, (until Ana and Roi could get here), is something i look forward to.

my heart is dancing in happiness..

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how is your heart lately my lovelies?

nice to finally meet you

i am still in awe of the vicar's words during the service yesterday for hazel's funeral.

he talked about hazel and how she was during her younger years. the vicar made a point to talk to Graham (H's son) and John and asked what Hazel liked during her time to incorportate for his talk.

things i learned about H because of the vicar's beautiful sermon:


-she was born in England and moved to Australia when she was in her twenties.
-came back to england and travelled extensively.
-Hazel was a lover of arts..she paints during her spare hours.
-she was an active member of the conservatives political party.
-she was a happy mommy to Graham and spoilt him a bit too much.
-she was into flower arranging. (i can relate)
-she was into jazz music (this one too)


at the crematorium, the music for the service was a happy jazz music because that was what she liked.


i found it sad that i only knew Hazel at her funeral..how God did not make it possible for me to know her that much..

and yet, i still grieved for her..and for John who has lost a partner of many a decades.


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what stuck to my mind was at the church, the vicars words resonated so much to me. it was as if he was directly talking to me..

it went something like this:


"today is the time to remember hazel for how she was in our life,and what we were in hers,no mater how little or insignificant it may seem...let us remember the fun and the sad times,or the ordinary times, we were together, no matter how fleeting... let us treasure that.that we had those moments with Hazel, no matter how short or ordinary it may have seemed...

today also is the time to be sorrowful that we have lost her to our maker, but let us not forget to look forward, and that we have hazel in our memories to cherish.

most importantly to be thankful..thank our Lord for the times, we have shared with Hazel and that she was able to share those precious experiences with us."


*i was imagining the last time i saw her, at hers and john's house, it was valentines day and i read to her john's card that he wrote for her..she was watching television and she could hardly talk but when i read to her the card, she was teary eyed and smiled at me..

i also remembered how i helped her to her wheelchair at the christmas/boxing day party held at Alan's house..she was in so much pain then and was muttering muffled sounds*

it made those fleeting moments seem magnanimous, and forever cemented in my brain now somehow..


***

when we were asked to bow down our heads to be thankful for those moments, i also said some thankful prayers for all those im grieving for.

peole who i grieve for every single day, and ache for at certain moments and celebrations of my life.


you hear me Paps?


**

thank you God, for showing me ways of unburdening this ghost i carry in my heart.

eyes that hurt

i went to uni today with my classmates shouting that my left eye is bleeding.

they were exaggerating of course (just bloodshot, too bloodshot infact that i was rushed to the clinic).

i had saline solution poured on my left eye, and made told to rest it.

could this be a forwarning signal of what's to come?

remember, my father died blind due to his diabetes.


if so, i will feast my eyes with only beautiful things to see from now hereafter..before i totally lose my sight.

note to self:
-watch all favourite movies again...
-read beautiful photograhic books
-indulge at ogling at eye candies of both sex (hehe)
-horde on all the beautiful,coloful things i could get my hands at paperchase
-travel and take pictures of beautiful memories (places and people)

and most of all..

-all mirrrors need to be taken away..


korek!



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katawa katawa lang ni ron, pero gikulbaan diay akong pahak.



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PS..im off..im to my floristry class again! tata!!!