closure

pastel perfect house in portobello..just like in dreams


***



this blog appeared in my dream for the last three weeks. recurrent, and persistent.

one was that i opened the blog and the colour scheme changed (from blue it turned to lavender) and i was browsing through the old blogs as if it was someone else owned it, and yet i saw photos of myself and familiar faces. entries were familiar, yet someone else owned it.

i felt a pang of jealousy there, that i remember most of that dream.

another dream was that i read a comment from someone famous. i forgot who it was now, but for the love of me, no matter what i do, the comment would not register. i kept apologising to the commentor but the commentor for some reason cannot be reached. it was frustrating that dream.


and the other night this blog reappeared again, it was owned by some old lady who had ties with the cooking world. she was a popular chef and i bumped into this blog and read through her entries only to find out, that her entries were my old entries yet people's comments were directed at her and her fabulous cooking, and her wonderful restaurant. i felt a pang of jealousy. (this blog is mine! this blog is mine!)..(oh and the fettucine they mentioned sounded divine,haha).


i know there are so many schools of thought that try to interpret dreams. interpretations of the dreams may vary from the freudian, subliminal, and to oldschool baloney but it all boils down to one thing.

i have parting issues with this blog. this was (and still is) my favourite.

i dished out alot more here and poured my heart and soul to it more than i did anywhere.

i re-read the entries here again and i have so much grown from who i was. this space has been with me all throughout bouts of sickness, travels, happiness, triumphs and a whole lot of transitions, whether internal or physical changes.

this is where i felt most vulnerable in too.

where we speak our most innermost thoughts, our most precious dreams, our most sacred thoughts, thats where vulnerability sets in. we know we can easily get attacked and when we divulge those innermost feelings--what we divulge can be used against us.

but that doesnt erase the feeling that the closure of this blog emanated from too much self consciousness.

that feeling has passed. yet i feel i cheated myself to one of the best blogs i have ever given myself.

i need closure, but i cannot give myself that.

needs must.

the saga continues.

Stranded

I am writing from a hotel room in Hongkong.



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I now belong to the statistics of people who have had the pleasure (mispleasure) of being bumped up to a different flight because the plane you were in did not make it in time for the connecting flight.



The plane from Heathrow, left at 2:45 pm instead of 11:3- due to snow and other issues with the runway.



We arrived in Hongkong this morning, at 9:30am, and obviously missed our 9:05 am flight to cebu.



Cathay Pacific already aranged accommodation for us at the Regal Hotel Airport (the name sounds tacky, but its not that bad...I could compare it to the Renaissance Hotel in Manila..Yummy Asian banquets,LOL) for an overnight stay until our flight tomorrow at 4:00pm.



Sleepless, stressed, hungry (i cant seem to build an appetite when im flying), Adrian and I battled wills to get over the sadness and depression of a flight delayed. The thought of family waiting for you at the airport, (plus the maaaany itineraries you have already arranged for the day), and food waiting to bedevoured (sutukil tradition every pick up-at-the-airport day), (plus the pleasure of meeting my niece Mika) were so near, yet impossibly far.





Adhering to a long term commitment to seeing things at the other spectrum, we decided to maximise our stay in HK.





So what to do?



-shower (to perk us up)



-sleep...



after a sumptious Asian buffet lunch (all meals provided for us by Cathay Pacific in the hotel), Adrian and i slumbered and woke up til 6PM.



-eat



another Asian/Japanese banquet at the hotel's restaurant for dinner



-shop,shop,shop



went to Mongkok (Ladies Night Market) for the night, and waaaahh, i tell you, i know who in my family would love a tour there (hear ye Karla, Ana and Mamsy)...pag save namo daan sa inyong HK dollars,LOL.



bought some gifts to bring to my love ones.





Not bad for being stranded,really. *convincing myself*







***





Adrian and i had the opportunity to fly business class via Cathay Pacific to Hongkong in AUgust 2008. It was because we fly Cathay Pacific everytime, we earned mileage points which accummulated to a roundtrip non refundable plane ticket.



The date of the ticket was August 4,2008, right after our 5th anniversary party, but we were sidetracked with how enjoyable cebu (verytime were there) and being with love ones is, we decided not to use our tickets.



Adrian and i laughed about it today, when we remember that. I asked him "did you regret not using those tickets".



"No regrets honey, no regrets".



Pa cute gyud ni's manoy oi.





***





Tomorrow, Adrian and i are planning to go to the city. Our flight isnt until 4 pm so we have the time to dawdle in the place. But we decided to leave Disneyland off the list. Its reserved for 2012 for a 'bangka' i promised to my family (God willing).



So really, all the stress, and almost teary-eyed me, was all for nothing.



I got to eat the seafood i was craving, i got to see HK, and i had the chance to sleep and relax.



The only thing i feel cheated about, is the fact that im spending less time with my family (1 day and a half less)and that i could not kiss Mika's face sooner.





Bantay lang gyud ugma bah! Pohon,pohon...





Please pray everything goes well tomorrow.


***


Photos from today...



the Japanese buffet from the international buffet..busog na naman!!!





it feels like Colon, all of a sudden...




starbucks...to wake me up..





there's a car on top of a taxi,LOL...cute photo at the airport tonight..

reality sinks in

i have come to realize: gosh, im actually just TWO WEEKS in cebu this december. the third week in spent on a holiday in another island with family.

take away the christmas holidays and new year celebrations (and the cousins and relatives tete-a-tete), im literally gasping for days to be in my fave island of sugbo. (that makes it literally 1 week of socializings).


i may have been too over zealous in promising people that i will see them..but too optimistic,maybe?


i need to segregate and allocate time.

i know there are some people, that come hail or water, no matter thunder and earthquake, i will not cancel, and i will be a their mercy because they are my constants (in real life or blog life, in happiness and in sadness, and in silliness or seriousness, they are there).


but maybe, this is also call time for me, to show those deserving of my time, attention and effort ,hehe..


because in my trying to be fair,i have been unfair to those who always have been there.


(its probably like being a mother, one cant keep giving recognition to all her twelve children when only one or two has done their part).

sigh, being a good friend, is easy....being a fair friend, is the hardest.


***


i wish i am a real supergirl...

*summoning wonder woman's powers*



***



and a Mika udate...







(Mika's photos taken by her dad's mobile)..



my little niece is growing big and strong *buyag*..

she is now 5 kilos plus..and to think she''s barely two months..apparently she drinks way too much milk,and does the usual baby business of sleeping the entire time.

everytime i see her photo, it just makes me happy. so happy in fact, that i know whatever life throws us, it will be okay.

now, if God didnt plan me to be a cool dudette of a mom..who said, i cant be the coolest kick-ass aunt there is?

*karate face*

wutz up?

how are you my beloveds?

i know, i know, we all feel sad and crushed about what's happening in manila.

i feel bad too,because it happened on the day that i was (supposed to be) very happy. my birthday.

but really, it would be too vain and presumptious of me, to feel that the manila floods has anything at all to do with my birthday.


do you know, that the day it happened, i did hear about the flood, but DID NOT realize how bad it was. i dont have a filipino channel where i am (not that i have time to watch tv anyways).

the day it happened, i was also celebrating my niece's christening (whcih meant more, than my birthday).

so we celebrated, oblivious to the news and whatnots, considering, outside our cocoon of comfort (ergo, mama's home), we just thought it was "one of them rains".


it was only the next day, seeing the flood of info at facebook, i realized the devastation it has caused. (even BBC world news has not talked about it until sunday evening ).


so far, all friends and family from that part of luzon are safe and warm (weve prayed hard for that), but it does not erase the sadness and 'fear' i felt for the people i saw in people's accounts and photos.



***


so what did i do on my birthday?

my birthday was on saturday, 26th. nothing fancy happened. nothing extraordinary.

i suppose, i didnt feel like 33 is a big birthday celebration for me. (not that i have had any big bithday parties in my life---but if i live long enough to reach 40, i promise to give myself a big one,LOL)..

friday night, 25th,adrian and i went out with adrian's family to dinner at an italian restaurant. i was pasta craving for the entire week so it was a must visit,birthday or not.


saturday night, 26, adrian and i were with closest friends for a thai meal. the moment it hit september, i knew, i had to celebrate with thai food.


sunday,27th, my girlfriends and i celebrated our sunday at regent's park for a cause. we joined pink aerobics in aid of breast cancer research. a good day out for a good reason.


so yeah, that's a short summary of my birthday weekend.

(and i promise you, i wil not use the flooding in manila as an excuse why i didnt have a party--because its not the reason at all,LOL).


***

i thank the blogworld/internet for being my news update regarding the flooding. its faster and much more efficient.

apart from the fact that it gives me information on donation links, and drop centres, it also is such an inside account of what really went on. bloggers i have not known before, i am now discovering, due to this calamity.

people, from all walks of life, are affected by this calamity. whether profound, or a little, our concern for our kababayans are such that we do whatever it is that we can.

whether, cash, in kind, sympathy, or our homes (or a blog entry to alert kababayans from afar), that we offer, im sure, whatever little does help.

and i thank those who alerted me.



***

i promise to post the photos from my G10 as soon as i can breathe from my work (paid work and university work,lol).

i have been stealing time here and there to answer and read entries from friends that i feel i need to sit down and catch up.


i have to admit, i am stressed, but obviously, not as stressed as the man who just lost his house and family from the flood.


be safe my lovelies.


***




the pink aerobics event

essential time..realizing one's worth (or lack of it)

i am so old.

i feel old.


i cant handle too much at one time.

i get really frustrated and so out of control.


the last few days were a whirlwind.

back to being in uni, i want to stop and just go back to being a homebody and retreat home. i am tired thinking of all the crazy work i have to undergo. and it is real hardwork.

i got used to the summer holidays of no research and studying. now i feel my brain is kinakalawang.



i feel so old.


i cannot multitask. i thought i could, i knew i couldnt, but still i tried practising to multi-task but im put to shame.


i humbly admit defeat.


i am beat and exhausted.



***

september is a whirlwind of activities.


last night(11th of september) we celebrated natasha's birthday with a salsa party with a red and black theme.

every night this week i was doing something.i get home really late, and wake up really early.


the other night, i had to fix problems in cebu. sorting medical expenses for an accident, etc. no sleep annd cups of caffeine later, i was working, university, hobbies,etc.

all i want to do is crawl to bed and sleep for 24 hours.


mao ni gitawag nila, the mind is willing but the body is aching.

today im going crazy over housechores,and i havent even started going to people's blogs yets.


i cant keep this up.


i am not capable to do sooo many things at the same time, i humbly admit that.


sad but true.



**

now, im just relegated to prioritizing and time managing. it does suck to realize that you are a poor time organizer.

it hurts to the very core.

and having to give up blogging which i love for university work and life is so painful, but at the same time, character building, i guess.

sometimes, our quest for super-hood is futile.

i realise in the process, after a few cuts and bruises, i am just not cut out like the rest.

my star is made of plasticene and rubber combined, dull and just value less.



**

officially, this supergirl has handed in her resignation.

and now,shes back to just being a commoner. lost amongst the many faces of the unknowns.

the difference between then and now

*

how can one's taste change?

i can't say for sure.

but all i know, that for the past few years, i am drawn to nice and 'buotan' people than the opposite.

when i was younger, i used to go for cool, interesting individuals (regardless whether theyre catty, or not their behavior is).

now, i still go for cool and interesting individuals, but most all of, i am drawn to someone's inside beauty and their demeanor more than anything.


if you're buotan,humble, and nice, you instantly become, genius, sexy and powerful in my eyes.

youre the coolest of the cool, the star in the bunch,and the cream on my pie. i'd fall head over heels in love with you. (and thats without a pun..ask my family how id "love" friends, youd think im a foolish teenager in love for the first time).


[your dress sense might be like you're in a time warp, your english might be broken as the cheap NFA rice, your IQ might be below national average levels or your face might look like angelina jolie after a botched up operation, but these wouldnt matter, you'd look the most gorgeous person on earth to me, and the most inspirational one at that].


afer all, unsaon man nang, bright, gwapa, pero ang batasan dili makaon sa iro?


*

there are values i want to instill in my younger siblings and the people around me, that i care for.

and if i start being with people whose values, id rather not show them, im actually contradicting myself.


i want to be with people that inspire me to be a better person. someone who will guide me to do good, than evil.

because if not, im sure giving my deposit to one big apartment in hell.


*

when i say nice/buotan, i dont even mean, a philanthrophering type, or the ones who are always giving to charities, or saving the world-kind. (charity is a way of life..some people give to charities but cant even give to their own relatives, talk about hipocrisy to the highest level.i always think charity starts at home).

i dont even mean someone who is religious or someone who goes to church everyday--no nothing like that (i hardly go to church myself). and as we all know, people can be religious without any spiritual effect.


what i mean with buotan, is simply that. buotan. dili mangaway, dili mag-una una, dili manghilabot basta dili hilabtan, dili mang judge, dili magbuot-buot, ug dili mag rumor mongering. (ive got those kinds in one "auntie" already, so i thank heavens im done with those type).


someone who just wants to deal with life, peacefully and lovingly, and who will be happy for others happiness, those to me are buotan. and i like that.

gaan dad-on ang buotan, dont you think? less drama. less chismis, less opportunities to sin against mankind. less headaches.and heartaches.


who said, i have big requirement criteria from friends?


*

because NICE is the new black.

infectious

most people who knew said i was foolish.

you see, i was a "buddy" to my friend who contracted swine flu.

when i say "buddy", it meant i was the one who picked up the tamiflu tablet for that person, and if anything was needed by that person, i was the only one allowed to get near them.

the UK prohibits people with the swine flu virus to go out. which means, they should isolate themselves as much as possible, and only be rushed to hospital if needed. they are qurantined for good reason. the flu has created a pandemic in the country.


so the health system operate on the 'buddy" system to contain the flu.


on wednesday (my day-off), i was called to pick her up from her home as she was really "bad". she was had trouble breathing as complications of her flu. i rushed her to the hospital and stayed with her, until the doctor told me to go home because she needed to stay in hospital due to "pneumothoritis".


everyone who heard the story said, i was crazy, and just dangerous.

not the least i could get the flu, i am also diabetic which can be fatal.


i wasnt scared, thinking i might have had the "flu" in may. the worst flu ive had in years. i had confusion,was feverish, i barely could walk and i had no voice.

but im proven wrong. i might not get the flu, but im still susceptible to any infection.

but really, i dont think i could let a friend (who doesnt have anyone) down, just because im thinking of "what could have been's" for me. i cannot sleep on that thought.


id rather be a 'dead' good friend, than be alive but a disappointing one.


***

oh my friend's home now--- on heavy duty antibiotics.

just like me.=)

*cough, cough*


***

photo: a street in prague

found treasures and camera stories

treasured ones:

i found these treasures from longlost classmates from elementary and high school.

i find these photos as treasures of mine because they are one of the very few that i have left of my old photos.




in my high school uniform ..thank you Boots





in my elementary years ..thank you Pamela


***

lost ones:


my family was unfortunate to have been victims of a fire, that along with the house that burned down, were memorabilias of our life that turned to ashes.

we also moved from islands to islands, that we lost some along the way, some left with the grandmother and auntie from my mom's province, but they did not care for the photos.

***

the history of hoarding:

overall, im glad that ive always been a photo fanatic. in high school, my parents were struggling to make ends meet then (my papa's SLR gone,and money was spent more for daily needs than camera), but my cousin Kuya Akong owned a camera, so myself, my cousins, and i would pool in our money and have photoshoots in the house. Karla, Joan, my brothers, and tony will pose by our house in Linao, with kuya akong as the shooter,and i the director.


by the time i worked as a dj, the very first year, i owned a compact nikon camera. (sadly, it was pawned to pay family bills). but that camera took many a photos of the life i had in radio and with the then boyfriend.


by the time i moved to my last job, one of the djs sold his camera to me, another compact nikon,which i still owned until i got married. (it was the official camera of the family when i moved to the UK,but sadly, Ana left it in the province when she shot some photos of a cousin's wedding *im still sad and annoyed thinking about it*).


after then, i had a flurry of different cameras in my hands, and all have stayed with me. a 3megapixel Fuji digicam, sony DSC90, sony T10, Nikon D200, Nikon D700, Canon G10, Polaroid 600, Fuji instax 200, Fuji instax mini (and currently eyeing an Olympus Pen) and no plans of parting with them...




***

a sad camera story:

when Ana graduated first honours in MZED school, my mom attended the graduation. Ana was in the same school as cousins of ours. this was the time, we DID NOT own a camera.

all the parents took photos of their children, and of course, an uncle (by marriage..a husband of my father's sister) had nice camera then.

he was there taking photos of his children, and all of the other kids. he was even volunteering to take photos of ana's classmates and friends. he was taking photos of everyone, and taking photos maniacally of everyone EXCEPT when Ana was on stage, and was being given her award.

my mom was so tearful. she never felt so inadequate and so poor. it wasnt about not having owned a camera. it was about how people make you feel less (worse, theyre supposed to be relatives).i think in the end, a mom of Ana's classmate took a photo. MZED was an expensive school (for us) but mama and i made sure ANa went to really good schools. so expensive that all we could (barely) afford was the tuition fee.


when mama told me about it i was livid.

i vowed, i will never ever let anyone feel how we felt when they/He did that to us. (when a friend of my brother's asked me to do their wedding photos and has no budget whatsoever, i had no second thoughts).

its amazing how having a camera makes the difference. but whats important is that you should be able to share, the power that camera brings to people. its not about the machine. its about what the machine can do to people's lives. (its a proof of a moment of time)..


we dont have a single picture of Ana's graduation. but we have a clear image of that pretend-uncle burning in hell. despite the image of church-going-oh-im-holy-i-will-sing-in-false-baritone-voice-for-the-church-and-pretend-i-could-sing-by-miming, he was (and still is) trying to display.


see, dont get me start talking about cameras...it all comes down to that day of Ana's graduation, i felt so inadequate for not owning one that i think subconsciously which explains the hoarding.

and i end up getting angry all over again.

blah bubble

im feeling blah.

i dont have anything to say nice or exciting. nothing out of the ordinary.

not even the simple mundane day-to-day, is too blah to write about.

so im writing about how blah i feel.

maybe this will vex the curse, or jinx the hex.

to describe my life recently, its too ordinary, and too simple.

picture this: cleaning,work,tv,sleep,work,stare at the walls, laugh at my own jokes, reading my own blog (now thats the highest point of ordinariness), blogging, reading people's blog (this is the most exciting part of life recently), and reading books. [edit: i forgot to mention the gym..i have been religiously going,LOL]

its just simple joys, that i dont know how to write it to make it look appealing even to me.


life is just stable and ordinary. no drama and no excitement.

im not sad, just blah. *tongue out*



***

visa news:

still havent heard anything from the appeal process for my brother's and sister's visas. im kicking myself why we applied for them together. i should have known entry offcers dont read application forms and that people with same surname applying together are expected as married. (maypa wala nalang sila nangayo ug birth certificate sa applicants, di man diay basahon. if they read it, both have the same parents,then we could have saved all this money and time-wasting exercise).

now my mama has to wait for one of them to get it to fly and visit adrian and i here in the UK.

im sure she'll be fine travelling on her own. but she's so precious, i cant imagine letting her fly long haul on her own. i have so many worries in my mind. my mom has some health problems, i worry. i worry sick. i even worry for the neighbours cat, so i cant help worry about my mother.

adrian is insisting we should have her come here by a deadline coz sayang iyang visa. i agree. but what if, the day we bought her tickets, ana or roi's (or both) visa will come through?


i dont know. my head hurts everytime i think about it. if anyone knows the answer, i will buy you ice cream.



***

sweetest of messages...


i received one from my cousin tony in facebook.

she thanked me for praying for her when she was in hospital for dengue last three weeks ago. but that wasnt the reason why i found it sweet.

it was sweet because in the letter,she also mentioned in detail her appreciation to her older sister Karla.

in detail.

she described how her sister slept in the small hospital bed with her, and how she was there the whole time.

its so sweet how younger sisters talk about their older sisters in a sweet loving manner. its even nicer that they appreciate the love their older sister give to them.

that tony is going places because she doesnt forget.

and i agree with her...all of us are so fortunate that we have karla in our lives. our sweet dearest sister karla.


(karl, i know you go chelo's blog-binge-reading once a month, so by the time you read this, di nako nimo hapakon kay dugay na kaayo..and i also know youre crying when you read this,LOL).


sisterhood is the best brotherhood...

and friendships, make my world go round...

and my life no matter how ordinary and simple, is always peppered with little treasures and lessons along the way...spices which i love.

now writing it all down, blah gone. enter food craving...


craving for the day: lechon kawali.

now if anyone can send me lechon kawali, i will buy you ice cream for a lifetime.

constants

i find myself constantly thinking deep but having less to talk/write about.

i have been, more often than not, too unmotivated to talk about myself. not because of wanting inspiration (i have alot of them in my life), but more because life has been a steady ebb recently, i am lacking words to describe life without being too pompous and sickeningly overtly in self-love mode.

i want to write how really wonderful it is when i wake up when sunshine through the bed window is tickling my nose, or how beautiful it is to drive through the countrysides and the horses grazing by the fields are framed beautifully by a peppering of colourful flowers.

i want to share how nice it is to hear being complimented for work you will do anyways even if its insults coming my way, or how amazing it is to work with such inspiring intelligent people who devote extra unpaid time to work for the sheer love of it, but really,sometimes, i just cant.

if beautiful things are food, id be a glutton,and im suffering from indigestion right now.

but i will not write it, because i know,it is only half the truth.

im sure somehow somewhere, someone reading this would think, life would'nt be that perfect for her. and they can enumerate in their heads the many things wrong about me (generous weight, thinning hair, and etc)..and all the wonderful things (they would like to think) i envy from them.

and there lies the problem.

in as much as i can enumerate them, in unison with certain people who are willing to cast stones about how different and sad my life would be, i can enumerate them without feeling.

i dont feel what i lack. i do not feel something is lacking in my life just because i dont have it.

the problems i may have, or the lack of perfection in my life may be glaringly obvious to most, but my life to me is just imperfectly perfect.

the logistics, the unsymmetry of events, the careless mishaps, or the lack of certain (specific) things i may never attain in this life (i.e.did i say babies?), these are the mark of me being the woman who clearly aspires to enjoy life at her utmost.

yes, balding top, weightgain, bad posture,etc..included--part of the happy equation.

happiness after all, is what we make it. i make mine, with a little bit of perspiration and aspiration. and there is no deodorant involved.


*part of pondering my life, series*


* * *

photo: a little girl with expensive taste=)

randoms

ive been feeling under the weather recently. not really ill, but not a hundred percent too.

im falling asleep everywhere, and ive got achey muscles and bones.

im getting paranoid because of this swine flu epidemic that seems to scatter on the news recently.

heavens forbid.

ii suddenly stop blogging or become invisible from the net, it only means one thing.

heavens forbid!

bad thoughts, shoo!!!


* * *

im working on my days off. ive volunteered to go to work to cover sickness and absences from some of the staff.

i actually find that im bored when im not busy. when the first opportunity to work overtime came, i jumped at the chance.

today i worked even if i didnt need to. one colleague is off due to flu-like symptoms.

im on multivitamins overdose and exercise overdrive.

this paranoia has some uses i suppose.


* * *





lunch by the window, by my lonesome ..Carluccio's South Kensington


it was a two course lunch for me yesterday,but i was on my own in a table originally for two.

the food was very much carluccio trademark, nice and jsut right. but i was needing some company.

i texted the entire time with karla. she was getting ready to go out on a date. while i was on my own.it felt like she was there. the constrained laugh i had on my face between our exchanges probably made some of the diners who were sat near me probably made them worry i was a little bit funny.

i was on my own physically, but actually, it was a lunch date with my bestfriend,Karla. i cant wait for her to visit me next year.

thank you heavens for technology.

(PS: its so sad that i get embarassed taking photos of people in close proximity as i know they could get really uncomfortable. i wish id be less worried about it. someday, ill be able to unlearn this habit. )

10th of july

sisterhood is the best brotherhood



* * *



Dear Ana,

Do you remember what today is? (10,jul?).

This morning, you probably should have woken up quite early, and had a hearty breakfast (or not, depending on your excitement).

Today, you probably felt high and excited even if you havent had a wink of sleep from last night.

Today, you probably ran over and over the things you should have in your carry-all, and ran over them again just in case you missed anything you were supposed to bring.

Today,you probably changed outfit a 100x considering you already had prepared 3 different outfits to choose from to wear for today's travelling.

Today, you, Mama and Roi left the house early just to make sure you get to the airport early enough just to avoid last minute traffic jams, which normally happens on days were travelling.

Today, you probably have taken a hundred pictures by the airport, while you wait for your flight to announce boarding.


This time, you probably are several thousand miles mid-air, and wide awake enjoying the glorious movies for viewing on the plane.


Tonight, i probably would have been so hyped up and going crazy, running over a thousand lists in my head, and changing the sheets at the second bedroom over and over again.


Tonight i wouldnt have gotten any sleep because i would have been excited to meet up with you at heathrow tomorrow.

Would've, could've..


Unfortunately, today was'nt happening. But we know it will,soon.

The good thing is, we had a dress rehearsal in our minds of how this day should have gone through.

And on the day, we will relive July 10 all over again.


See you soon.


Love,

Ate.

facing up to difficulties

photo: adrian does his gardening even if its difficult to manage his time


* * *


i was starstruck.

i met the most inspiring person (face-to-face) yesterday. (i was suppposed to blog about this but i was too tired from other things).

i met a 2012 Great Britain swimming olympian. a 16 year old, very artistic young girl, in fashionable clothes,funky eyeglasses,and an even funkier haircut.

shes just like one of those teenagers that you meet in the street. the only difference, apart from her being on training for the 2012 Olympics is that she's an amputee. she only has 1 arm.


(hence, why us OT's are involved,lol).

it was a surreal experience, as her dad and mum were showing us the calendar of the Scottish Widow (an insurance company owned by a big British bank)which she and the rest of the 2012 Olympian's were featured.

she's a spokesperson for a disability group and she's always doing charity fundraisers for disabled clubs and organizations.

we overstayed at her house,as the mum and dad were talking unendlessly about her projects, and her accomplishments, pride so evident in their voice.


if not for her being picked up by the cab for her training in the pool, we probably would have a hard time coming out of their house.


(i wish i could share her website here but because of confidentiality issues, i am legally bound).


* * *

i went home eager to go to the gym last night.


J, swims 6x a week at 5:30 in the morning, and does body training sessions in the gym 3x a week.

and this girl has only one arm.


while i, two arms, two thick legs,and even thicker trunk, can hardly walk to the kitchen to even cook for myself.


55 minutes on the cross-trainer and treadmill after, i resolve, to keep going, despite and inspite of difficulties.

no excuses.


well, not yet anyway.

perting

i have a friend who used to say "perting" everytime she wants to emphasize an adjective of something or someone.

(e.g. me: "that food was delicious"..friend: "perting!"...)"perting" is like the vernacular equivalent of "very much!" but used in street slang. a sort of emphasis on certain sentences.

everyone in our circle of friends eventually caught on to the word, and it seemed as an immediate understood term within the group.

the point of this blog is that today, im exhausted.

perting.


* * *


at placement today, i had a realization.

that when one is expected, and becomes the normal, the "special" aspect of that action, or the meaning is diminished.

take for example, friendliness. when one opens themselves all the time.it becomes an expected action. so the meaning of being friendly is lost. because everyone expects it.


when one is ready to help, people around that person has lost the ability to appreciate that, just because it becomes the norm.


when one is too trusting, and too patient, and too forgiving, its expected, and the generosity of the act is lost.


it is frustrating to say the least.



perting.


* * *

one gets tired of giving,forgiving, trusting, and being too overtly open...because some people, no matter, how the giver is willing--the receivers become ill-mannered and too ungrateful to see the act of selflessness, that time comes, its not really worth the trouble at all.

perting.

muni-muni

a beautiful centrepiece @ Lily's farm....

* * *

now that im growing older (by the second), i have realized that life is not all about brains (and beauty) and special higher learning abilities. its about the ability to contort your mind to believe that things will get better, even if the rest of the world thinks otherwise.

the tenacity of ones will to surge through amidst hardships and trials, and making do with the little for the meantime--is the marking of a survivor.

let us tell our hearts to be brave. life has its ups and downs, and from here, theres no way to go but up=)

like soldiers, let us surge on.


* * *


my mom's sister had an amputation scare a few days ago. they have little to their name,and they are struggling with their day to day finances. being in hospital is such a big life upheaval. i should know,my father being in and out of hospital when i was young was such a life crises for us.

things like these happen,and if it means being the person that they can ask help from, i should look at it as a blessing, not a cause for defensiveness. it should be given, and looked at with empathy, nor cause for aggravation.

giving is not a bad thing. it is the most beautiful position to be in. if one is in the capacity to give, be thankful. i would rather be the one to give, than the one being given to.

and if one cant help, say "im sorry,i cant for now" graciously. ayaw na pakapini ug sakit nga mga storya and insults. (when my father was in hospital before he died, we just came back from a philippine vacation....so there was little cash left, and whatever saved up money we had was tied to some bonds. we had to wait for 15 days before it can be released, so the day-to-day costs of him being on monitors and life saving apparatus was running like mad while we waited on turtle pace for our money. we asked for some aunties to lend us the money to keep the running costs afloat and that they wont stop the monitors and the machines while we waited for our money to be released. we gave our house in the phils as collateral, but lo, some of them have said hurtful words, and even insults, and said "no,we cant lend you the money" +++ insults . there was no need for that. saying "no, sorry not now", was enough. (although i have to be fair, some of the siblings were helping in some other ways, which i will never forget).


the only person who actually helped BIG TIME was my cousin (and all time angel) Karla (with nothing to say negatively). this space is not enough to enumerate what she did. the initial money we sent, which was more than hundred of thousands was not enough for the running bill, she put up her own money to save adrian and i.

(so how can i be selfish? when one person out there is always ready and willing to save me? and looks after me? thanks karl).


when our money was released (thank goodness,earlier than planned) and was sent off to the Philippines to pay off everything, my father also died shortly. and the insults and the cattiness of some sisters, were just buried under the carpet, because they started to relax that no one was asking from them at that point.

that experience changed my life and how i look at money (and friendships and family).

let us look at how God blesses us. let us be thankful when we can do something for others, and that we have the capacity to do so for our love ones.

let us not compare ourselves to the greed that feed some people. at least we sleep better at night. and money? we can never take it to our graves. and it wont buy us character.

* * *

this is all but personal opinion based on personal experiences and situation. some people may have had different perspective based on their life experiences. this is what shaped me.

and this is why i am what i am now.