i wish

..i could finish my report now, so i could stay in my room and cry my heart out. right now, im soooo busy to think and have any other emotions other than think of QT data and comparative analysis. honestly..i cant cry even if i wanted to..i just wish i could to stop this searing pain in my chest.

i have a burden that i carry, regarding some news i just got. its so disheartening when you're not included in decisions, when all you do is include such persons in all your life-changing decisions.

maybe i should do the same.

maybe i should just stop caring.

maybe i should just..



***


am i wrong in feeling this way? maybe i am.

maybe its time for me to do some life changing decisions too without considering other people,huh?

i wonder how that feels?


***

and probably, if i don't care much, maybe, i will stop this nonsense too. i wouldn't be working so hard, i wouldnt be working my ass off like i'm a machine made of steel.

**


if i had to give myself an advice right now, i would probably say " enjoy life, and stop caring too much".

maybe i should do just that.

or maybe, i could just go and top myself. (sounds like the very easiest option, to be honest).


**

you see, i was alright the last could of weeks. you dont mind hard work when its rewarded with love and mutual respect.

but if you see otherwise, you wonder, 'what am i doing this all for?'


**

i wish you all a better day than what im having;

a better life than what i have at the moment.

tagay ta na!

..and speaking of

..dolphins.


i just thought i want to share this...






...lets help save the dolphins.


*from elephants,to dolphins..i wonder,what i'll talk about next..* :-)

papa talk

i spoke to my mama for my regular sunday phone call with her. she told me that she and the rest of the family went to the cemetery to visit Papa's grave.

it pinched me. because God, how i wish i was with them.

my father died in January 2007,just after a great christmas holiday we spent with him, and after a promise that he was coming to visit me here in England.

but of course, he never ever had the chance to visit me. (which makes me sad). after we organised for the long arduous process of his passport, he died.

but not to dwell on my sadness, my father is a pinch in my chest. he is.

he was my first hero, and he could do no wrong in my eyes. even if he died no matter what age, whether at 100 years old, or his 57 years, he would still be a pinch in my chest to talk about and remember. people we love, we always wish and somehow mentally bestow immortality on them.

in my life as a blogger since 2004, i have spoken of my love of my father since i could remember although not solely, oftentimes my blogs are peppered with narration of adoration for the first man who had my heart.

he was and still is a pinch in my heart because apart from everything else, he was my driving force to everything i did in my life. i sought his approval for everything, from clothes, boyfriends (not that i heeded, but i sought his nod like crazy), and career choice.


my father was also my ally. my Mama and i, when we had our mini-quarrels, i ran to my papa. i always did. but my papa always sided with my mama, lol. but even then, he could do no wrong. he was still loved.

i always look forward to talking to him because he would always laugh on the other end of the line when i make jokes or make some weird comment about my new life in england and tell him of my 'weird dreams for the family'. and i love it, when he says on the phone "taod-taod na lagi ka wala katawag" / "its been some time since you phoned" even if the last time was a day ago.


and he would always say to my cousins jokingly "nindaot na lagi ka karl" "youve lost weight karl" everytime karla comes over. (he cant even see, he was blind!,LOL).


i dont know where this story is heading but this is important to me. because you, the reader has to know that for whatever i am now, and whatever i do, its all because there was a man named Celso who is beloved and is sorely missed until the day he would welcome me aboard in our maker's kingdom.


i am writing this because this makes me feel whole again.


and its because, there is one day that i am allowed to talk about the father who has long gone and yet still pinches the sore scabs of the heart left splintered the day he stopped breathing.








i miss him so much. there is not a day i am not reminded that he lived.

for mimi

tonight, i keep wondering how mimi is.

its not just been too long ago that i have to endure the same ordeal of having to go home and see my father in a coffin. so i (somewhat) know how it feels.

i say somewhat because i think what she is going through right at this very moment is the harder ordeal as losing a love one through an accident is the worst of all.

nothing prepares us for death, not even illness. so to even lose someone in the most unprepared way is just so unfair and just unbearable.


i keep thinking about mimi. the scenarios that went through when she arrived at her hometown. how her mom is. how her siblings are coping.


because right now, in as much as i am so over the moon that my mother is with me, a part of me feels so sad for a friend.


i hope she feels safe and comforted being with her family.


i pray that she is coping, managing right now.


i pray for her and her family for 'the now'. because i know, they will come out of this family tragedy stronger, and closer than ever.

coming from someone who has been there,and got the awful tshirt of such experience.

and when she does, us her friends are here waiting.

nice to finally meet you

i am still in awe of the vicar's words during the service yesterday for hazel's funeral.

he talked about hazel and how she was during her younger years. the vicar made a point to talk to Graham (H's son) and John and asked what Hazel liked during her time to incorportate for his talk.

things i learned about H because of the vicar's beautiful sermon:


-she was born in England and moved to Australia when she was in her twenties.
-came back to england and travelled extensively.
-Hazel was a lover of arts..she paints during her spare hours.
-she was an active member of the conservatives political party.
-she was a happy mommy to Graham and spoilt him a bit too much.
-she was into flower arranging. (i can relate)
-she was into jazz music (this one too)


at the crematorium, the music for the service was a happy jazz music because that was what she liked.


i found it sad that i only knew Hazel at her funeral..how God did not make it possible for me to know her that much..

and yet, i still grieved for her..and for John who has lost a partner of many a decades.


***

what stuck to my mind was at the church, the vicars words resonated so much to me. it was as if he was directly talking to me..

it went something like this:


"today is the time to remember hazel for how she was in our life,and what we were in hers,no mater how little or insignificant it may seem...let us remember the fun and the sad times,or the ordinary times, we were together, no matter how fleeting... let us treasure that.that we had those moments with Hazel, no matter how short or ordinary it may have seemed...

today also is the time to be sorrowful that we have lost her to our maker, but let us not forget to look forward, and that we have hazel in our memories to cherish.

most importantly to be thankful..thank our Lord for the times, we have shared with Hazel and that she was able to share those precious experiences with us."


*i was imagining the last time i saw her, at hers and john's house, it was valentines day and i read to her john's card that he wrote for her..she was watching television and she could hardly talk but when i read to her the card, she was teary eyed and smiled at me..

i also remembered how i helped her to her wheelchair at the christmas/boxing day party held at Alan's house..she was in so much pain then and was muttering muffled sounds*

it made those fleeting moments seem magnanimous, and forever cemented in my brain now somehow..


***

when we were asked to bow down our heads to be thankful for those moments, i also said some thankful prayers for all those im grieving for.

peole who i grieve for every single day, and ache for at certain moments and celebrations of my life.


you hear me Paps?


**

thank you God, for showing me ways of unburdening this ghost i carry in my heart.

wutz up?

how are you my beloveds?

i know, i know, we all feel sad and crushed about what's happening in manila.

i feel bad too,because it happened on the day that i was (supposed to be) very happy. my birthday.

but really, it would be too vain and presumptious of me, to feel that the manila floods has anything at all to do with my birthday.


do you know, that the day it happened, i did hear about the flood, but DID NOT realize how bad it was. i dont have a filipino channel where i am (not that i have time to watch tv anyways).

the day it happened, i was also celebrating my niece's christening (whcih meant more, than my birthday).

so we celebrated, oblivious to the news and whatnots, considering, outside our cocoon of comfort (ergo, mama's home), we just thought it was "one of them rains".


it was only the next day, seeing the flood of info at facebook, i realized the devastation it has caused. (even BBC world news has not talked about it until sunday evening ).


so far, all friends and family from that part of luzon are safe and warm (weve prayed hard for that), but it does not erase the sadness and 'fear' i felt for the people i saw in people's accounts and photos.



***


so what did i do on my birthday?

my birthday was on saturday, 26th. nothing fancy happened. nothing extraordinary.

i suppose, i didnt feel like 33 is a big birthday celebration for me. (not that i have had any big bithday parties in my life---but if i live long enough to reach 40, i promise to give myself a big one,LOL)..

friday night, 25th,adrian and i went out with adrian's family to dinner at an italian restaurant. i was pasta craving for the entire week so it was a must visit,birthday or not.


saturday night, 26, adrian and i were with closest friends for a thai meal. the moment it hit september, i knew, i had to celebrate with thai food.


sunday,27th, my girlfriends and i celebrated our sunday at regent's park for a cause. we joined pink aerobics in aid of breast cancer research. a good day out for a good reason.


so yeah, that's a short summary of my birthday weekend.

(and i promise you, i wil not use the flooding in manila as an excuse why i didnt have a party--because its not the reason at all,LOL).


***

i thank the blogworld/internet for being my news update regarding the flooding. its faster and much more efficient.

apart from the fact that it gives me information on donation links, and drop centres, it also is such an inside account of what really went on. bloggers i have not known before, i am now discovering, due to this calamity.

people, from all walks of life, are affected by this calamity. whether profound, or a little, our concern for our kababayans are such that we do whatever it is that we can.

whether, cash, in kind, sympathy, or our homes (or a blog entry to alert kababayans from afar), that we offer, im sure, whatever little does help.

and i thank those who alerted me.



***

i promise to post the photos from my G10 as soon as i can breathe from my work (paid work and university work,lol).

i have been stealing time here and there to answer and read entries from friends that i feel i need to sit down and catch up.


i have to admit, i am stressed, but obviously, not as stressed as the man who just lost his house and family from the flood.


be safe my lovelies.


***




the pink aerobics event

eyes that hurt

i went to uni today with my classmates shouting that my left eye is bleeding.

they were exaggerating of course (just bloodshot, too bloodshot infact that i was rushed to the clinic).

i had saline solution poured on my left eye, and made told to rest it.

could this be a forwarning signal of what's to come?

remember, my father died blind due to his diabetes.


if so, i will feast my eyes with only beautiful things to see from now hereafter..before i totally lose my sight.

note to self:
-watch all favourite movies again...
-read beautiful photograhic books
-indulge at ogling at eye candies of both sex (hehe)
-horde on all the beautiful,coloful things i could get my hands at paperchase
-travel and take pictures of beautiful memories (places and people)

and most of all..

-all mirrrors need to be taken away..


korek!



**

katawa katawa lang ni ron, pero gikulbaan diay akong pahak.



**


PS..im off..im to my floristry class again! tata!!!

bless my Mama

a photo of my mama, with my cousin/bestfriend/adopted sister Karla...


today, my mama and i had a little disagreement.

i could not understand, why she allows herself to be 'used' by people who has hurt her numerous times before.

she could not understand why i could not 'forgive' people.

you see, a certain 'relative' has indirectly apologized by asking how my brother was (jojo, who had kidney stone blasting), and was really being friendly with her.

my Mama, being my mama, always instantly, warmed up and befriended (and obviously forgave) the person.

i warned her that before she lets her guard down, i warned her to be careful. i warned her not to trust this person again, as he/she has hurt her and said hurtful remarks about my family (all for money).


my Mama (as i expected) scolded me and told me, to be ashamed for holding grudges,and not humbling myself to people who has humbled themselves.

i am humbled indeed, by Mama's lessons,and the values she tries to teach me. it is from her, that i learned that is anyone is asking help from you, at your doorstep, do not shut the doors on them, because that is unchristian.

i learned too that it is not right to hold grudges and bear ill feelings towards anyone. i learned from her, to give what you can when someone is asking for help and offer what you can.

and because of that, my Mama has a history of being used by people.

i grew up, seeing her being mistreated, by some of her inlaws (and some relatives) because she tends to give too much of herself, and not asking in return (except to be treated fairly).

she always has this big capacity to forgive people when people have let her down numerous times, and said degrading remarks about her and her children. she forgives the moment they apologize.

that cycle has got to be stopped.

i told her to be wary, i told her to be careful.

my Mama shut me up by telling me, to listen to myself and to be human.



***


i feel for her, because at the end of the day, i know, my Mama just wanted to be accepted by the family she loved since she was 18. she married my papa when she was barely out of her teens and grown to love the people in that family. she treated our Lola the same way (even way better)as she would her own mom.


when the trouble started, my mama did not only lose the husband to death, she also lost her roots. she grew up with my Papa's family. a family who she adopted as her own.

i prayed a silent prayer for my mama when we hung up. it pains me to see her being hurt again. because i know, one day, what transpired,will transpire again.


i swear, if she gets hurt again by the same people, i cannot promise i will still be human.


***

Lord, please bless my Mama.

give her the strength to say 'no' to people who are there only to destroy whatever faith she's left of people.

please give her the courage to understand that love can also be found from new acquaintances, new families and new relations, and that its not bad to open to new things, and learning to fly and leave 'bad' things behind.

please bless her Lord, that she may be courageous and that may she be strong enough to build a new character,new life, separate that of my Papa and his past.

please bless her Lord, that she may be able to see, who is genuine and would mean the best for her, than those who are there who use her as a clutch to undergo their hidden agendas.


bless her Lord.



**


i always have been the 'easy one' and the 'forgiving one' in the family...

papa's death, and learning lessons that blood relations could actually do the most harm to you, changes ones perspective about people.

my naivety has now left me.

sadly, when bad things happen to you, suspicion takes residence. one becomes wary and takes alot of encouraging to open one's doors again.

you can tell the bitter tone in this entry. i have not been hurt the way i have until my father died.

and that takes forever to unlearn.

multiply woes (again)

i am itching to reply to PM's and invites at multiply..

i am itching to read people's entries, see photos friends (and family) have uploaded..

i am itching to re-read ana's "mika" and "papa's day" entry...


but i cant.


i log into multiply and it just shows me a blank bulletin page..

i am irritated to say the least..


if not for email notifications, i wouldnt know if multiply is actually running or working...

i wonder if its because my account with them is more than 5 years old?


surely, it shouldnt affect that.


i dont like unpredictabililty.

i dont like inconsistency.

it just annoys me, and i end up losing faith.


right now,i just want to badmouth multiply. but i cant, no one seems to experience what i am experiencing..


*opens the cookie cupboard for the nth time*

essential time..realizing one's worth (or lack of it)

i am so old.

i feel old.


i cant handle too much at one time.

i get really frustrated and so out of control.


the last few days were a whirlwind.

back to being in uni, i want to stop and just go back to being a homebody and retreat home. i am tired thinking of all the crazy work i have to undergo. and it is real hardwork.

i got used to the summer holidays of no research and studying. now i feel my brain is kinakalawang.



i feel so old.


i cannot multitask. i thought i could, i knew i couldnt, but still i tried practising to multi-task but im put to shame.


i humbly admit defeat.


i am beat and exhausted.



***

september is a whirlwind of activities.


last night(11th of september) we celebrated natasha's birthday with a salsa party with a red and black theme.

every night this week i was doing something.i get home really late, and wake up really early.


the other night, i had to fix problems in cebu. sorting medical expenses for an accident, etc. no sleep annd cups of caffeine later, i was working, university, hobbies,etc.

all i want to do is crawl to bed and sleep for 24 hours.


mao ni gitawag nila, the mind is willing but the body is aching.

today im going crazy over housechores,and i havent even started going to people's blogs yets.


i cant keep this up.


i am not capable to do sooo many things at the same time, i humbly admit that.


sad but true.



**

now, im just relegated to prioritizing and time managing. it does suck to realize that you are a poor time organizer.

it hurts to the very core.

and having to give up blogging which i love for university work and life is so painful, but at the same time, character building, i guess.

sometimes, our quest for super-hood is futile.

i realise in the process, after a few cuts and bruises, i am just not cut out like the rest.

my star is made of plasticene and rubber combined, dull and just value less.



**

officially, this supergirl has handed in her resignation.

and now,shes back to just being a commoner. lost amongst the many faces of the unknowns.

found treasures and camera stories

treasured ones:

i found these treasures from longlost classmates from elementary and high school.

i find these photos as treasures of mine because they are one of the very few that i have left of my old photos.




in my high school uniform ..thank you Boots





in my elementary years ..thank you Pamela


***

lost ones:


my family was unfortunate to have been victims of a fire, that along with the house that burned down, were memorabilias of our life that turned to ashes.

we also moved from islands to islands, that we lost some along the way, some left with the grandmother and auntie from my mom's province, but they did not care for the photos.

***

the history of hoarding:

overall, im glad that ive always been a photo fanatic. in high school, my parents were struggling to make ends meet then (my papa's SLR gone,and money was spent more for daily needs than camera), but my cousin Kuya Akong owned a camera, so myself, my cousins, and i would pool in our money and have photoshoots in the house. Karla, Joan, my brothers, and tony will pose by our house in Linao, with kuya akong as the shooter,and i the director.


by the time i worked as a dj, the very first year, i owned a compact nikon camera. (sadly, it was pawned to pay family bills). but that camera took many a photos of the life i had in radio and with the then boyfriend.


by the time i moved to my last job, one of the djs sold his camera to me, another compact nikon,which i still owned until i got married. (it was the official camera of the family when i moved to the UK,but sadly, Ana left it in the province when she shot some photos of a cousin's wedding *im still sad and annoyed thinking about it*).


after then, i had a flurry of different cameras in my hands, and all have stayed with me. a 3megapixel Fuji digicam, sony DSC90, sony T10, Nikon D200, Nikon D700, Canon G10, Polaroid 600, Fuji instax 200, Fuji instax mini (and currently eyeing an Olympus Pen) and no plans of parting with them...




***

a sad camera story:

when Ana graduated first honours in MZED school, my mom attended the graduation. Ana was in the same school as cousins of ours. this was the time, we DID NOT own a camera.

all the parents took photos of their children, and of course, an uncle (by marriage..a husband of my father's sister) had nice camera then.

he was there taking photos of his children, and all of the other kids. he was even volunteering to take photos of ana's classmates and friends. he was taking photos of everyone, and taking photos maniacally of everyone EXCEPT when Ana was on stage, and was being given her award.

my mom was so tearful. she never felt so inadequate and so poor. it wasnt about not having owned a camera. it was about how people make you feel less (worse, theyre supposed to be relatives).i think in the end, a mom of Ana's classmate took a photo. MZED was an expensive school (for us) but mama and i made sure ANa went to really good schools. so expensive that all we could (barely) afford was the tuition fee.


when mama told me about it i was livid.

i vowed, i will never ever let anyone feel how we felt when they/He did that to us. (when a friend of my brother's asked me to do their wedding photos and has no budget whatsoever, i had no second thoughts).

its amazing how having a camera makes the difference. but whats important is that you should be able to share, the power that camera brings to people. its not about the machine. its about what the machine can do to people's lives. (its a proof of a moment of time)..


we dont have a single picture of Ana's graduation. but we have a clear image of that pretend-uncle burning in hell. despite the image of church-going-oh-im-holy-i-will-sing-in-false-baritone-voice-for-the-church-and-pretend-i-could-sing-by-miming, he was (and still is) trying to display.


see, dont get me start talking about cameras...it all comes down to that day of Ana's graduation, i felt so inadequate for not owning one that i think subconsciously which explains the hoarding.

and i end up getting angry all over again.

missing him

on my way home from taking the stepson back to his flat tonight, adrian and i heard this on the car radio.

this is for you mama,jojo,roi and ana.

because i know, beneath the laughter and smiles

we all still are grieving.


i miss him everyday.

and i know you all do too.