i wish

..i could finish my report now, so i could stay in my room and cry my heart out. right now, im soooo busy to think and have any other emotions other than think of QT data and comparative analysis. honestly..i cant cry even if i wanted to..i just wish i could to stop this searing pain in my chest.

i have a burden that i carry, regarding some news i just got. its so disheartening when you're not included in decisions, when all you do is include such persons in all your life-changing decisions.

maybe i should do the same.

maybe i should just stop caring.

maybe i should just..



***


am i wrong in feeling this way? maybe i am.

maybe its time for me to do some life changing decisions too without considering other people,huh?

i wonder how that feels?


***

and probably, if i don't care much, maybe, i will stop this nonsense too. i wouldn't be working so hard, i wouldnt be working my ass off like i'm a machine made of steel.

**


if i had to give myself an advice right now, i would probably say " enjoy life, and stop caring too much".

maybe i should do just that.

or maybe, i could just go and top myself. (sounds like the very easiest option, to be honest).


**

you see, i was alright the last could of weeks. you dont mind hard work when its rewarded with love and mutual respect.

but if you see otherwise, you wonder, 'what am i doing this all for?'


**

i wish you all a better day than what im having;

a better life than what i have at the moment.

tagay ta na!

last hurrah, last sleep in cebu (for now)

its at an unholy hour in the morning yet im wide awake.

the only thing that makes this scenery im in less tragic is the absence of a bottle of alcohol and used cigarettes.

tragic.

i am tired, and sad, and already missing my home.

my bags are still unpacked, my mind bursting with emotions waiting to be written and memories needed putting into paper (or the net, in my case, these days,LOL).


today, i had a very full day. [wait! the last three and a half weeks, i had very full days, (none that includes sleeping in the list of activities), but i am not complaining.]


my stomach could say the same. my stay in cebu was a never-ending gastronomic adventure. and because my neurons seem to connect to my stomach lining's cells (avatar lingo,LOL), i have had so much adventure the past weeks.


tomorrow night, i leave with a heavy heart, not-so-heavy luggage, but memory chest full of treasures. and its bound to carry your faces in it.



***


last memories etched in my heart:

goodbye dinner at Grand Convention's buffet and coffee afters at Coffee Bean..






dinner with the family and close relatives
..missing tony and joan who had a (grand ) wedding at Imperial Palace. Sean was there to represent Joan..





my lola visiting from Butuan...with my aunties: Teresa and Josephine..my lola Anita and Mama





Coffee Bean, Adrian's choice of coffee







my adopted brother Rey took time to say goodbye to me...he's so sweet







showing our true selves

for mimi

tonight, i keep wondering how mimi is.

its not just been too long ago that i have to endure the same ordeal of having to go home and see my father in a coffin. so i (somewhat) know how it feels.

i say somewhat because i think what she is going through right at this very moment is the harder ordeal as losing a love one through an accident is the worst of all.

nothing prepares us for death, not even illness. so to even lose someone in the most unprepared way is just so unfair and just unbearable.


i keep thinking about mimi. the scenarios that went through when she arrived at her hometown. how her mom is. how her siblings are coping.


because right now, in as much as i am so over the moon that my mother is with me, a part of me feels so sad for a friend.


i hope she feels safe and comforted being with her family.


i pray that she is coping, managing right now.


i pray for her and her family for 'the now'. because i know, they will come out of this family tragedy stronger, and closer than ever.

coming from someone who has been there,and got the awful tshirt of such experience.

and when she does, us her friends are here waiting.

nice to finally meet you

i am still in awe of the vicar's words during the service yesterday for hazel's funeral.

he talked about hazel and how she was during her younger years. the vicar made a point to talk to Graham (H's son) and John and asked what Hazel liked during her time to incorportate for his talk.

things i learned about H because of the vicar's beautiful sermon:


-she was born in England and moved to Australia when she was in her twenties.
-came back to england and travelled extensively.
-Hazel was a lover of arts..she paints during her spare hours.
-she was an active member of the conservatives political party.
-she was a happy mommy to Graham and spoilt him a bit too much.
-she was into flower arranging. (i can relate)
-she was into jazz music (this one too)


at the crematorium, the music for the service was a happy jazz music because that was what she liked.


i found it sad that i only knew Hazel at her funeral..how God did not make it possible for me to know her that much..

and yet, i still grieved for her..and for John who has lost a partner of many a decades.


***

what stuck to my mind was at the church, the vicars words resonated so much to me. it was as if he was directly talking to me..

it went something like this:


"today is the time to remember hazel for how she was in our life,and what we were in hers,no mater how little or insignificant it may seem...let us remember the fun and the sad times,or the ordinary times, we were together, no matter how fleeting... let us treasure that.that we had those moments with Hazel, no matter how short or ordinary it may have seemed...

today also is the time to be sorrowful that we have lost her to our maker, but let us not forget to look forward, and that we have hazel in our memories to cherish.

most importantly to be thankful..thank our Lord for the times, we have shared with Hazel and that she was able to share those precious experiences with us."


*i was imagining the last time i saw her, at hers and john's house, it was valentines day and i read to her john's card that he wrote for her..she was watching television and she could hardly talk but when i read to her the card, she was teary eyed and smiled at me..

i also remembered how i helped her to her wheelchair at the christmas/boxing day party held at Alan's house..she was in so much pain then and was muttering muffled sounds*

it made those fleeting moments seem magnanimous, and forever cemented in my brain now somehow..


***

when we were asked to bow down our heads to be thankful for those moments, i also said some thankful prayers for all those im grieving for.

peole who i grieve for every single day, and ache for at certain moments and celebrations of my life.


you hear me Paps?


**

thank you God, for showing me ways of unburdening this ghost i carry in my heart.

celebrating Papa, still

today, september 14, is my Papa's birth date.

we still celebrate his birthday every year with a 'handa' (no matter how little) like we used to, even if he's not around anymore. its fitting for someone who loved gathering his love ones over a buffet of good food and conversation.

i deliberately waited for it to be morning in the Phils, so that i could talk to my siblings and my Mama,just to remember him, and what they are doing.

we pretend he is around somewhere, doing his usual cigarette breaks in the toilet.

tonight, over lechon, and mama's cooking, the family will gather and talk and remember him...

each year, there will be less talking 'about him' vocally, and only in our minds do we dare speak and talk about him more, as we dont want to scratch underneath the surface.

the pain is still there.

sometimes, its covered with new joys, new additions to the family, new gains, little successes here and there, but underneath it, we remember him still vividly (with longing), and we will for a very long time.



***

we console ourselves that he is painless,and that he is not 'disabled' wherever he is right now.

his memories are forever colorful and beautiful.


papa, i miss you. wherever you are, you are sorely and deeply missed.

happy birthday.






him flanked by his girls...and him with his longtime love






the men...and he obviously was the king of the roost




papa's last dance...his youngest and favorite, Ana..


***

i wish for him to have seen his first 'apo' Dominique.

and he would know,he is never forgotten because he has a reminder in the house.

missing him

on my way home from taking the stepson back to his flat tonight, adrian and i heard this on the car radio.

this is for you mama,jojo,roi and ana.

because i know, beneath the laughter and smiles

we all still are grieving.


i miss him everyday.

and i know you all do too.

untitled

hey Pa.

it was father's day yesterday. (or the consumer-dictated father's day).

i have stopped celebrating it since you left.

from now on, your day is the day,you and mama brought me into this world.

september 26, i will celebrate you (which i always do since 2007).


i love you Pa.

i miss you,every single day.




celso "taba" aviso

14th september 1949- january 20,2007