wutz up?

how are you my beloveds?

i know, i know, we all feel sad and crushed about what's happening in manila.

i feel bad too,because it happened on the day that i was (supposed to be) very happy. my birthday.

but really, it would be too vain and presumptious of me, to feel that the manila floods has anything at all to do with my birthday.


do you know, that the day it happened, i did hear about the flood, but DID NOT realize how bad it was. i dont have a filipino channel where i am (not that i have time to watch tv anyways).

the day it happened, i was also celebrating my niece's christening (whcih meant more, than my birthday).

so we celebrated, oblivious to the news and whatnots, considering, outside our cocoon of comfort (ergo, mama's home), we just thought it was "one of them rains".


it was only the next day, seeing the flood of info at facebook, i realized the devastation it has caused. (even BBC world news has not talked about it until sunday evening ).


so far, all friends and family from that part of luzon are safe and warm (weve prayed hard for that), but it does not erase the sadness and 'fear' i felt for the people i saw in people's accounts and photos.



***


so what did i do on my birthday?

my birthday was on saturday, 26th. nothing fancy happened. nothing extraordinary.

i suppose, i didnt feel like 33 is a big birthday celebration for me. (not that i have had any big bithday parties in my life---but if i live long enough to reach 40, i promise to give myself a big one,LOL)..

friday night, 25th,adrian and i went out with adrian's family to dinner at an italian restaurant. i was pasta craving for the entire week so it was a must visit,birthday or not.


saturday night, 26, adrian and i were with closest friends for a thai meal. the moment it hit september, i knew, i had to celebrate with thai food.


sunday,27th, my girlfriends and i celebrated our sunday at regent's park for a cause. we joined pink aerobics in aid of breast cancer research. a good day out for a good reason.


so yeah, that's a short summary of my birthday weekend.

(and i promise you, i wil not use the flooding in manila as an excuse why i didnt have a party--because its not the reason at all,LOL).


***

i thank the blogworld/internet for being my news update regarding the flooding. its faster and much more efficient.

apart from the fact that it gives me information on donation links, and drop centres, it also is such an inside account of what really went on. bloggers i have not known before, i am now discovering, due to this calamity.

people, from all walks of life, are affected by this calamity. whether profound, or a little, our concern for our kababayans are such that we do whatever it is that we can.

whether, cash, in kind, sympathy, or our homes (or a blog entry to alert kababayans from afar), that we offer, im sure, whatever little does help.

and i thank those who alerted me.



***

i promise to post the photos from my G10 as soon as i can breathe from my work (paid work and university work,lol).

i have been stealing time here and there to answer and read entries from friends that i feel i need to sit down and catch up.


i have to admit, i am stressed, but obviously, not as stressed as the man who just lost his house and family from the flood.


be safe my lovelies.


***




the pink aerobics event

a surprise

in a day when you think nothing was working, and nothing was going right, something surprises you.


today, i woke up really late.

i was rushing.

i was in two minds whether id go off sick today from work because it seems i caught adrian's chest infection.


but i ploughed through. (thinking that i have all the time to be off when my mama comes here..yes, she has her ticket!!!).


i even had the audacity to post a short blog (Hey YOU), even if i was running late.

i was a little rundown, but quite giddy.


it must have been a sign that good news were coming my way.


inside the car, where i have my 'alone' time to do my morning prayers (prayer-on-the-run,lol) and 'chat' to my God, the sun that shone through the fields just made me feel like singing.

i sang a song, in lieu of prayers. a song to thank Him. (i sang the song "thank you" because it ws the first thing that came to my mind).


first time i ever did that. i normally breeze through my daily prayers like it was a recited memorized poem (and a little "chat" wih Him).


today was different and by afternoon,i knew why.


my sister Ana texted me to tell me their visas have been approved. the error by the embassy thinking that ROi and Ana were married has now been corrected and that their visas are ready for stamping, as soon as their passports are sent.

(i have resigned to the fact that Ana's and Roi's visas werent going to make it this year, but im proved wrong!)


i didnt know if i was to be happy, or to be irritated that i always have bad timing.


we already bought a ticket for Mama..and as everyone know, december tickets are soooo hard to come by, that it took me a long time to get her ticket that would fit into the time frame when we could pick her up from the airport.

which may mean, even harder for us to get tickets for the three of them to come together.

the problem now is getting a way of getting everyone on the same dates as Mama's ticket is nonrefundable.


worst case scenario: mama will be flying on a different airline, while ana and roi are on a different flight.


bahala na! as long as i got them here with me no matter how short.



***

i guess tomorrow, i need to sing even more "thank you's"...



how bout you? any surprises your way?



****




the moment i took this photo, i received a wonderful news that my niece Mika was born. we just scaled a small hill by then, looking for a country tea house. we crossed villages, and many a sheep-dung infested fields..thats my hiking shoes, and thats the view all the way to the next field.






one of our photo stops..can you see the view behind us, we had to climb that, to get to the town where we parked our cars.
on this stop, i was surprised too, because i didnt know i could scale heights that i did.

Hey You

Yes you!

you that drop by this space.

you that read my silly thoughts.

you that creep quietly and silently.

or sometimes make a sound, a squeal, a whisper and a prayer for me.

yes, thats you!

thank you.


for hearing me out.



with gratitude,

me

my life today

university...

-a short drama at the clinic to fix my bloodshot eye.

-birthday cakes (chocolate!)was shared all around in honor of my turning a year older (but i feel like i turned a century older these past few days). and a yoyo as a present...(i know, OTs are creatively weird,LOL).







yoyo-ing my way to get through the day





yumyum choco cake





thanks friends



after university...

-arrived home to a recuperating Adrian..(he has chest infection). he was off sick today to see our GP.


-had another telebabad session with mama,and details for her tickets (yeyy, shes coming!!!)

-talked about the upcoming christening of our little princess Mika (my niece). excited for the buffet she's preparing. whoaaahh, my mama has not cooked this much since papa died. it seems mama's got her groove back.




***




floristry class...



-indian summer handtied bouquet..alas! this is why i wanted to join a floristry class. to know how to do a handtied bouquet...yipeeee!!! i was sooo happy. (i dont need to attend subsequent classes afterwards, but Adrian insists i should,haha).






my indian summer mess,LOL






what a feeling, to give a bouquet you handtied yourself..and hubby receiving it.


although my bouquet didnt get the attention of the very beautiful teacher wanda, it got all the gush and attention from people at the restaurant we went to. they thought Adrian gave me them.


and if only they know that the knots on the stems were not as neatly done than it should (hinay hinayi ko,bag-o ra baya ko nakat-on,LOL. besides, doing knots in girl scouting wasnt one of my strongest points)...


***


dinner date with adrian afterwards at a cute bistro in Kensington called Cote'. its quite a popular bistro. yummy food for average london prices. (i promise to take some people there!).




the restaurant




the hubby who said he's feeling rested..and th signature COte water bottle




adrian's starter: mushroom and pastry






pork and duck terrine...loved the sourdough bread=)




happy wifey





eggs and steak...and the proud man with a very colourful bouquet of flowers

***

back home


- chatting at multiply..simultaneously to my two beloved cousins tony and joan. those two are priceless gifts to me. theyre just like my sisters and i love them like my very own sister..i miss them too.


-snuggling to a sleeping wheezing,chesty, Adrian. *luoy*



***

i have no class tomorrow (self-study day,yipee!).
just enough to send me smiling to dreamland.


how was your day lovelies?

eyes that hurt

i went to uni today with my classmates shouting that my left eye is bleeding.

they were exaggerating of course (just bloodshot, too bloodshot infact that i was rushed to the clinic).

i had saline solution poured on my left eye, and made told to rest it.

could this be a forwarning signal of what's to come?

remember, my father died blind due to his diabetes.


if so, i will feast my eyes with only beautiful things to see from now hereafter..before i totally lose my sight.

note to self:
-watch all favourite movies again...
-read beautiful photograhic books
-indulge at ogling at eye candies of both sex (hehe)
-horde on all the beautiful,coloful things i could get my hands at paperchase
-travel and take pictures of beautiful memories (places and people)

and most of all..

-all mirrrors need to be taken away..


korek!



**

katawa katawa lang ni ron, pero gikulbaan diay akong pahak.



**


PS..im off..im to my floristry class again! tata!!!

kamatis ni ading

adrian came rushing in bearing fruits of his labor.

he was beaming proudly of his tomato produce, from his own garden, in a pyrex bowl.




honey we shrunk the mug





you can see how the tomatoes are so big. this mug is unable to hold the size.



these tomatoes look as if they have been genetically enhanced but believe it or not, theyre organic--chemical free...(well, he used organic pesticide,so you can eat these tomatoes fresh from the garden).


we were laughing because these tomatoes are humongous, and really grossly big. adrian says anything he touches turn 'chunky'.

i joked that i will enter his tomatoes in one of those village contests for the biggest produce ( example: biggest squash, biggest pumpkin...and his entry would be for the biggest tomato).


because he didnt want to waste the tomatoes (weve got loads in the garden still), he was planning to turn them to a sauces and jar them.


sigh, farmer ading strikes again.

bless my Mama

a photo of my mama, with my cousin/bestfriend/adopted sister Karla...


today, my mama and i had a little disagreement.

i could not understand, why she allows herself to be 'used' by people who has hurt her numerous times before.

she could not understand why i could not 'forgive' people.

you see, a certain 'relative' has indirectly apologized by asking how my brother was (jojo, who had kidney stone blasting), and was really being friendly with her.

my Mama, being my mama, always instantly, warmed up and befriended (and obviously forgave) the person.

i warned her that before she lets her guard down, i warned her to be careful. i warned her not to trust this person again, as he/she has hurt her and said hurtful remarks about my family (all for money).


my Mama (as i expected) scolded me and told me, to be ashamed for holding grudges,and not humbling myself to people who has humbled themselves.

i am humbled indeed, by Mama's lessons,and the values she tries to teach me. it is from her, that i learned that is anyone is asking help from you, at your doorstep, do not shut the doors on them, because that is unchristian.

i learned too that it is not right to hold grudges and bear ill feelings towards anyone. i learned from her, to give what you can when someone is asking for help and offer what you can.

and because of that, my Mama has a history of being used by people.

i grew up, seeing her being mistreated, by some of her inlaws (and some relatives) because she tends to give too much of herself, and not asking in return (except to be treated fairly).

she always has this big capacity to forgive people when people have let her down numerous times, and said degrading remarks about her and her children. she forgives the moment they apologize.

that cycle has got to be stopped.

i told her to be wary, i told her to be careful.

my Mama shut me up by telling me, to listen to myself and to be human.



***


i feel for her, because at the end of the day, i know, my Mama just wanted to be accepted by the family she loved since she was 18. she married my papa when she was barely out of her teens and grown to love the people in that family. she treated our Lola the same way (even way better)as she would her own mom.


when the trouble started, my mama did not only lose the husband to death, she also lost her roots. she grew up with my Papa's family. a family who she adopted as her own.

i prayed a silent prayer for my mama when we hung up. it pains me to see her being hurt again. because i know, one day, what transpired,will transpire again.


i swear, if she gets hurt again by the same people, i cannot promise i will still be human.


***

Lord, please bless my Mama.

give her the strength to say 'no' to people who are there only to destroy whatever faith she's left of people.

please give her the courage to understand that love can also be found from new acquaintances, new families and new relations, and that its not bad to open to new things, and learning to fly and leave 'bad' things behind.

please bless her Lord, that she may be courageous and that may she be strong enough to build a new character,new life, separate that of my Papa and his past.

please bless her Lord, that she may be able to see, who is genuine and would mean the best for her, than those who are there who use her as a clutch to undergo their hidden agendas.


bless her Lord.



**


i always have been the 'easy one' and the 'forgiving one' in the family...

papa's death, and learning lessons that blood relations could actually do the most harm to you, changes ones perspective about people.

my naivety has now left me.

sadly, when bad things happen to you, suspicion takes residence. one becomes wary and takes alot of encouraging to open one's doors again.

you can tell the bitter tone in this entry. i have not been hurt the way i have until my father died.

and that takes forever to unlearn.

natasha's birthday salsa

my good friend, and kaberks Natasha celebrated her birthday with a salsa party (with a red and black theme).

alot of people came in black and red,but there were a few who came in with whatever they had..

natasha's birthday was actually on the 8th of september, but she celebrated on the 11th..

because i was in so rush, coming from work, on friday traffic, and rushing home to talk to Jojo and greet him (again!) for his birthday, shower and dry my hair, put my make up, and pick up friends, i forgot my DSLR at home. i was kicking myself when i realised, but later on, it was a blessing in disguise as i couldnt leave it on the table when everyone was dancing to salsa tunes.


my friends always have very creative birthdays..and they do sure know how to make their birthdays a worthwhile experience.



**

the party started with a two-hour of dance instruction from the instructor, and then a little freestyle..then dinner, then dancing again...

it was a party too difficult to duplicate but a possibility to try again..

salsa buffs, we have become after this night..

here are some photos thats been sitting on the computer begging to be shared.

(all photos taken by the canon g10)









pre dancing jitters..lauren and tash waiting for the dance instructor





eve and cheryl enjoying a laugh...the bday girl





dont be fooled by the makeup and the smile..i was ready to crash and snore





glen, lionel and cheryl...(trivia: lionel is the labor attache of South Africa to european union...but he's so down to earth and so cool, he danced too! =)






oh, you should have seen me in my red shoes...i felt tall and graceful that night..





the insructor telling them about the dance





instructor..instructing..





guests guests guests...





the birthday girl getting extra time with the instructor




lionel with another dancer...the gang enjoying the night





more dancing...







me flanked by men i admire and respect..=)






the night came like a blur






men...talking politics,and global warming..






food was in order for more dancing next...




**

thank you Lord for surrounding me with beautiful inspirational people...

i thank you for their birthdays because that day they were born in this world, they were destined by you, for them to cross paths with me...

i'm looking forward to the next party im invited to.

multiply woes (again)

i am itching to reply to PM's and invites at multiply..

i am itching to read people's entries, see photos friends (and family) have uploaded..

i am itching to re-read ana's "mika" and "papa's day" entry...


but i cant.


i log into multiply and it just shows me a blank bulletin page..

i am irritated to say the least..


if not for email notifications, i wouldnt know if multiply is actually running or working...

i wonder if its because my account with them is more than 5 years old?


surely, it shouldnt affect that.


i dont like unpredictabililty.

i dont like inconsistency.

it just annoys me, and i end up losing faith.


right now,i just want to badmouth multiply. but i cant, no one seems to experience what i am experiencing..


*opens the cookie cupboard for the nth time*

happy birthday earth goddess

i want to wish you flowers, just so you could photograph them,

i want to wish you the moon, just so you could marvel at it,

i want to wish you the stars, just so you could wish your hearts desires

and i want to wish you cakes, and beautiful pastries, just so you get sweetness all through your days..


but,being a friend who is human, and can only wish for you the best,

who wishes you well..

i want to wish you all these, and all the practical, real things all your heart beats for, and a day filled with faces of your love ones congregated in one room, merry and joyfully clinking their glasses to toast YOU..


Happy birthday Mai...

i have no decent photo of you..none that would do your exquisite features justice.

one day, i will learn how to take portraits, just so i could produce photos that gives justice to your beauty..

enough photos to last me to greet you birthday greetings til were 90..=)

quick heads up

from the time of my last entry and today, so many things have happened.

i dont know where to start.

some good, some bad.

some, are just irritants to my already 'crazy schedule".


-on monday night, my brother jojo was rushed to hospital. on the night of papa's birthday celebration.

-tuesday went to uni, received two queries for photos (dont even go there, daghan kaayo'g demands ang babaye, so i said NO, not available...because,that is the truth. the partial truth..and the other truth isthat, i cannot work with a stressful client, and im stressed as hell myself). this phone call was in the middle of class, so i was given really bad stares by THE DOCTOR...ngiii.. i actually had goosebumps..

-tuesday night.received a phone call that my sister in law (john's partner died on monday night, again on papa's birthday)..we were so sad for john. even if hazel was sickly and bedridden, john adored her. hazel went peacefully in her sleep.

-wednesday, went to uni my brother still in hospital, and would need a standard operation for his kidney...(stones), but maka taghoy ka's kamahal..gipaningot ko'g popcorn kadiyot...they want outright cash before they would even touch him...i was in the carpark during my breaks doing phonecalls to adrian, to mama, to karla and back again..haaay, buhay sa usa ka OFW.


-wednesday night, went to london pick up the albums...i should be happy, that families of the brides have ordered extra albums..but there are times, i find it a hassle.. sometimes, dili worth it ang money coz im so tired, stressed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i didnt know how to say "no " ..i need to sit down and think things through, and redo my business model...this album/prints business is making me a bit irritable..what with uni,and family troubles happening around me.

-thursday..work, and frantic phone calls..

-thursday night...immediately after work, dropped off the albums,and went to visit john at his house. adrian and i were devastated to see him and how he's (not) coping.


-adrian has a chest infection..luoy kaayo. tinuod gyud diay ning stress.


so how to combat stress?

comfort eating...

and now, im stressed, coz i got nothing to wear for being too fat.


as of today, i probably am the most luoy woman in the world..im stressed, fat, overworked and broke.

everyone has a sob story. mines just like a broken record.

i badly need a hug..and, or a slap, either way, i need something.






*a lil chaos at a lil girl's party*

celebrating Papa, still

today, september 14, is my Papa's birth date.

we still celebrate his birthday every year with a 'handa' (no matter how little) like we used to, even if he's not around anymore. its fitting for someone who loved gathering his love ones over a buffet of good food and conversation.

i deliberately waited for it to be morning in the Phils, so that i could talk to my siblings and my Mama,just to remember him, and what they are doing.

we pretend he is around somewhere, doing his usual cigarette breaks in the toilet.

tonight, over lechon, and mama's cooking, the family will gather and talk and remember him...

each year, there will be less talking 'about him' vocally, and only in our minds do we dare speak and talk about him more, as we dont want to scratch underneath the surface.

the pain is still there.

sometimes, its covered with new joys, new additions to the family, new gains, little successes here and there, but underneath it, we remember him still vividly (with longing), and we will for a very long time.



***

we console ourselves that he is painless,and that he is not 'disabled' wherever he is right now.

his memories are forever colorful and beautiful.


papa, i miss you. wherever you are, you are sorely and deeply missed.

happy birthday.






him flanked by his girls...and him with his longtime love






the men...and he obviously was the king of the roost




papa's last dance...his youngest and favorite, Ana..


***

i wish for him to have seen his first 'apo' Dominique.

and he would know,he is never forgotten because he has a reminder in the house.

post meltdown affair

have i admitted it enough yet? that i am not good with pressure?

i didnt know i crack like a summer-dried nut, at the sound of a crackle.


**

yesterday was boiling point. i havent had enough sleep the last few days.

back breaking work in the hospital, university assignments looming and social responsibilities (and familial obligations) have made me cry like a baby.

i had to wake up (on my weekend! really early) just to fulfill obligations i said "yes" to, considering we were out the night before and didnt come home til 3am-ish.

all i wanted to do was hide behind adrian's skirt. (figuratively of course,LOL).

i cannot handle the pressure (physical pressure, being tired makes me feel this way).

my brain was doing overdrive and i was turning a very mean person. i get irritated and sensitive all at the same time.


but really, no one was paying attention except me.


**

adrian has been very supportive. but he can only do so much.

i wanted to be a very good daughter,sister,friend,wife and blogfriend, and i realized, i could not fulfill everything.


i can only do so much until i break into hives.

reality check: i am human, i cannot do everything i thought i could.


**


niggles that catapulted me to the meltdown:

-the sibling's visa appeal---it just keeps me angry everytime i think about it. i put my money, time and energy into that, and it seems the people who has the power to hasten it, really thinks of us people (who are looking to having our family over) as just part of the statistics.


-work---how long have you got? maimai asked whether i resigned from work, i wish i could! (theyre funding my course, so its not an option)..its such an ugly place right now. the work we do is still wonderful, but the team has been divided into two...but warring parties, and theres so much backbiting going on. because i worked for the two teams, i am friendly with the two...and i think this is the worst position to be in..the backbiting is atrocious. team 1 would talk about team 2, and team 2 would talk to me about team 1...i have migraines everyday. i hope this will stop..work used to be a very happy place before. factions and cliques arent just my thing. it gives me stroke-inducing headaches.


-university---

a) i wish you would meet our new Dr. lecturer. youd know what i mean (and hear his accent,youd think he came from a harry potter episode). he is so methodical and so anal, that i am having palpitations just thinking of the research material i need to produce (were not talking wikipedia here). medical journals from around the world (only a few copies in a vast library) is so frustrating..i have a life! a husband! and a 100 miles travel to and from uni for a day alone (i do this twice a week), is already pressure on my part. why did i ever get talked into studying when i was never a studious person during my younger days?


b)my mama is coming this october (whether she likes it or not, on her own if ana's or roi's visa will not miraculously appear). she will be a distraction when she's here. october,november,december isthe height of our research,exams and essays.. i can sense another meltdown coming.



-some things that happened during the week in cebu, which made me reconsider my priorities, but i really dont have an option..



..those are few of the reasons why i crashed burned and ran amok yesterday.

thank goodness for a husband who cooks, cleans and assists me in all ways possible. i probably have moved country and changed identity to get away from it all.



***


today, i feel better. and much more positive that i could get through the next few months (or weeks at least).

great friend (and sister) aileen, gave me a good 'lecture' dissected my problems and made me see it from another's eyes and she made me see things from a different angle.

and to be told, that "i am not a burden", is the balm to soothe this panicking soul. it made me cry with the load unburdened off my chest.

coz really, when im whinging and moaning all the time (about a life which i chose, no one asked me to do this), i feel like im such a burden.


thank you to the 'real supergirls' (unlike me) who are busier than ever but still have beautiful smiles in their faces...(patricia, maimai, therese and jane)..thank you for making me feel i have you if i need to run away from it all.

and thank you too, to friends who listen and boink me in the head for being 'praning'. thank you.

you know who you are.


and to Kharla...who never fails to pray for my malnourished spirit.


***

so today, i had a mini break between the busy schedule of running around london between the bank, the printers, the furniture shop and the supermarket..


i will let go of guilts.

including ones brought about by belgian chocolate goodness.