bless my Mama

a photo of my mama, with my cousin/bestfriend/adopted sister Karla...


today, my mama and i had a little disagreement.

i could not understand, why she allows herself to be 'used' by people who has hurt her numerous times before.

she could not understand why i could not 'forgive' people.

you see, a certain 'relative' has indirectly apologized by asking how my brother was (jojo, who had kidney stone blasting), and was really being friendly with her.

my Mama, being my mama, always instantly, warmed up and befriended (and obviously forgave) the person.

i warned her that before she lets her guard down, i warned her to be careful. i warned her not to trust this person again, as he/she has hurt her and said hurtful remarks about my family (all for money).


my Mama (as i expected) scolded me and told me, to be ashamed for holding grudges,and not humbling myself to people who has humbled themselves.

i am humbled indeed, by Mama's lessons,and the values she tries to teach me. it is from her, that i learned that is anyone is asking help from you, at your doorstep, do not shut the doors on them, because that is unchristian.

i learned too that it is not right to hold grudges and bear ill feelings towards anyone. i learned from her, to give what you can when someone is asking for help and offer what you can.

and because of that, my Mama has a history of being used by people.

i grew up, seeing her being mistreated, by some of her inlaws (and some relatives) because she tends to give too much of herself, and not asking in return (except to be treated fairly).

she always has this big capacity to forgive people when people have let her down numerous times, and said degrading remarks about her and her children. she forgives the moment they apologize.

that cycle has got to be stopped.

i told her to be wary, i told her to be careful.

my Mama shut me up by telling me, to listen to myself and to be human.



***


i feel for her, because at the end of the day, i know, my Mama just wanted to be accepted by the family she loved since she was 18. she married my papa when she was barely out of her teens and grown to love the people in that family. she treated our Lola the same way (even way better)as she would her own mom.


when the trouble started, my mama did not only lose the husband to death, she also lost her roots. she grew up with my Papa's family. a family who she adopted as her own.

i prayed a silent prayer for my mama when we hung up. it pains me to see her being hurt again. because i know, one day, what transpired,will transpire again.


i swear, if she gets hurt again by the same people, i cannot promise i will still be human.


***

Lord, please bless my Mama.

give her the strength to say 'no' to people who are there only to destroy whatever faith she's left of people.

please give her the courage to understand that love can also be found from new acquaintances, new families and new relations, and that its not bad to open to new things, and learning to fly and leave 'bad' things behind.

please bless her Lord, that she may be courageous and that may she be strong enough to build a new character,new life, separate that of my Papa and his past.

please bless her Lord, that she may be able to see, who is genuine and would mean the best for her, than those who are there who use her as a clutch to undergo their hidden agendas.


bless her Lord.



**


i always have been the 'easy one' and the 'forgiving one' in the family...

papa's death, and learning lessons that blood relations could actually do the most harm to you, changes ones perspective about people.

my naivety has now left me.

sadly, when bad things happen to you, suspicion takes residence. one becomes wary and takes alot of encouraging to open one's doors again.

you can tell the bitter tone in this entry. i have not been hurt the way i have until my father died.

and that takes forever to unlearn.