post meltdown affair

have i admitted it enough yet? that i am not good with pressure?

i didnt know i crack like a summer-dried nut, at the sound of a crackle.


**

yesterday was boiling point. i havent had enough sleep the last few days.

back breaking work in the hospital, university assignments looming and social responsibilities (and familial obligations) have made me cry like a baby.

i had to wake up (on my weekend! really early) just to fulfill obligations i said "yes" to, considering we were out the night before and didnt come home til 3am-ish.

all i wanted to do was hide behind adrian's skirt. (figuratively of course,LOL).

i cannot handle the pressure (physical pressure, being tired makes me feel this way).

my brain was doing overdrive and i was turning a very mean person. i get irritated and sensitive all at the same time.


but really, no one was paying attention except me.


**

adrian has been very supportive. but he can only do so much.

i wanted to be a very good daughter,sister,friend,wife and blogfriend, and i realized, i could not fulfill everything.


i can only do so much until i break into hives.

reality check: i am human, i cannot do everything i thought i could.


**


niggles that catapulted me to the meltdown:

-the sibling's visa appeal---it just keeps me angry everytime i think about it. i put my money, time and energy into that, and it seems the people who has the power to hasten it, really thinks of us people (who are looking to having our family over) as just part of the statistics.


-work---how long have you got? maimai asked whether i resigned from work, i wish i could! (theyre funding my course, so its not an option)..its such an ugly place right now. the work we do is still wonderful, but the team has been divided into two...but warring parties, and theres so much backbiting going on. because i worked for the two teams, i am friendly with the two...and i think this is the worst position to be in..the backbiting is atrocious. team 1 would talk about team 2, and team 2 would talk to me about team 1...i have migraines everyday. i hope this will stop..work used to be a very happy place before. factions and cliques arent just my thing. it gives me stroke-inducing headaches.


-university---

a) i wish you would meet our new Dr. lecturer. youd know what i mean (and hear his accent,youd think he came from a harry potter episode). he is so methodical and so anal, that i am having palpitations just thinking of the research material i need to produce (were not talking wikipedia here). medical journals from around the world (only a few copies in a vast library) is so frustrating..i have a life! a husband! and a 100 miles travel to and from uni for a day alone (i do this twice a week), is already pressure on my part. why did i ever get talked into studying when i was never a studious person during my younger days?


b)my mama is coming this october (whether she likes it or not, on her own if ana's or roi's visa will not miraculously appear). she will be a distraction when she's here. october,november,december isthe height of our research,exams and essays.. i can sense another meltdown coming.



-some things that happened during the week in cebu, which made me reconsider my priorities, but i really dont have an option..



..those are few of the reasons why i crashed burned and ran amok yesterday.

thank goodness for a husband who cooks, cleans and assists me in all ways possible. i probably have moved country and changed identity to get away from it all.



***


today, i feel better. and much more positive that i could get through the next few months (or weeks at least).

great friend (and sister) aileen, gave me a good 'lecture' dissected my problems and made me see it from another's eyes and she made me see things from a different angle.

and to be told, that "i am not a burden", is the balm to soothe this panicking soul. it made me cry with the load unburdened off my chest.

coz really, when im whinging and moaning all the time (about a life which i chose, no one asked me to do this), i feel like im such a burden.


thank you to the 'real supergirls' (unlike me) who are busier than ever but still have beautiful smiles in their faces...(patricia, maimai, therese and jane)..thank you for making me feel i have you if i need to run away from it all.

and thank you too, to friends who listen and boink me in the head for being 'praning'. thank you.

you know who you are.


and to Kharla...who never fails to pray for my malnourished spirit.


***

so today, i had a mini break between the busy schedule of running around london between the bank, the printers, the furniture shop and the supermarket..


i will let go of guilts.

including ones brought about by belgian chocolate goodness.