i wish

..i could finish my report now, so i could stay in my room and cry my heart out. right now, im soooo busy to think and have any other emotions other than think of QT data and comparative analysis. honestly..i cant cry even if i wanted to..i just wish i could to stop this searing pain in my chest.

i have a burden that i carry, regarding some news i just got. its so disheartening when you're not included in decisions, when all you do is include such persons in all your life-changing decisions.

maybe i should do the same.

maybe i should just stop caring.

maybe i should just..



***


am i wrong in feeling this way? maybe i am.

maybe its time for me to do some life changing decisions too without considering other people,huh?

i wonder how that feels?


***

and probably, if i don't care much, maybe, i will stop this nonsense too. i wouldn't be working so hard, i wouldnt be working my ass off like i'm a machine made of steel.

**


if i had to give myself an advice right now, i would probably say " enjoy life, and stop caring too much".

maybe i should do just that.

or maybe, i could just go and top myself. (sounds like the very easiest option, to be honest).


**

you see, i was alright the last could of weeks. you dont mind hard work when its rewarded with love and mutual respect.

but if you see otherwise, you wonder, 'what am i doing this all for?'


**

i wish you all a better day than what im having;

a better life than what i have at the moment.

tagay ta na!

unbelievable

i cannot believe that at almost 2 am, saturday night, i am still awake because i am doing a part of a research proposal which i need to submit tomorrow to my groupmates.

yes, tomorrow---sunday.

i am driving an hour and a half to university on a sunday.

i am this close to cracking up.

a big part of the 'real' me, wants to leave and quit.

but the 'adult' me is as stubborn as a bull and just gets on and whip this research black and blue til its the one which raises the white flag up.

i chant to myself these words: 'no pain, no gain'..

chant with me. loudly please.

old photos

i came back from my indian holiday to see this on my mama's FB page, as she was tagged by my cousin who scanned some photos of her mum and mine..







this is the reason, why we have to take pictures of ourselves as much as we could.

it doesnt mean much to us now, but give it 20-30 years, they're worth gold to y/our children.


**

my mama, when she was 16 years old..

last minute hi-ho

on my last day before we fly,im supposed to be packing and arranging the last minute stuff. but here i am answering phone calls and emails from my university. they have emailed me regarding my essay (remember the dining table saga?), well i got really good feedback (and grade! woohoo!!) from that, and im absolutely ecstatic.

also, a phone call asking me if im interested in working in Learning Disabilities for Adults. DUh! would i just! absolutely, i am! Jobs like these comes once in a blue moon, and the learning opportunities are massive=) i spoke with the Clinical Lead and she told me the benefits and the responsibilutities,but i was too excited to concentrate. besides, the lady said, she thinks its tailor-made for me, *happy*.


the catch? i had to submit my application ASAP, as the deadline is the week after (and im in India). so the moment we ended the phone call, i had to submit my CV and the tedious process of filling up forms online.

talk about BUSY, i am really not exaggerating.


The good thing too, that means, i will have more time to entertain Kharla when she's here in September while waiting for the things to get finalized! (WOohoo again!)! September, roll on in=)


Technically, i dont have THE job thats being offered yet (as the powers that be has to go through red tape) , but its not a worry, as i currently am still working (well semi working as im in university too),and if i get the job, i will just slide into the new one from the old one. Praying it will be given to me too, as one of their requirement was flexibility working in the weekends (if needed, but swapped with weekday off), which can be a tough case, but lets see.


So, in between, answering emails, sending job applications,tidying up, blogging,haha and banking transactions, life is hectic..yet, life is good.


***

Flying to India in a few hours...

Excited for the possibilities that await me.


***


Things im looking forward to in this trip:

-a whole body massage at an Ayurvedic centre in one of the lodges we will be staying at

-Elephant safari

-the Keralan backwaters (which i heard is an out-of-this world experience)

-the safari lodge where we are booked to stay at

-the Tea plantation in one of India's peaks

-the authentic Indian food we will be served from our hosts

-the weddings im attending (and capturing,be still my heart, and Lord, please help me rise to the challenge)

-the Riverboat lodge cruising through the backwaters, where we are also billeted for two nights

-the castles and museums that were booked to see

-Ashrams were planning to visit and meditate at


-the Kathakali cultural show-- a highly costumed stage play reenacting the triumph of Good over Bad (the make up and costumes, i am so looking forward to see)


-the backstreets of a very rural Indian town

-the culture that im about to sample and witness (disclaimer: but obviously thru a visitors eyes)


-although i am sad, i wont be able to see jaipur and the pink city and the Taj Mahal, but i hope there will be a next time to visit it. for the meantime, i will be concentrating on the Southern part of India (the not so often featured part of India and apparently has the best seafood) specifically Kerala and Tamil Nadu, its food,its colours, its smells (Aileen, i will bring the pinchers as promised,haha),and its taste..


I am grateful for all the good things i am given, i just wish i can take you all with me=)



**

Thank you heavens, for always for knowing what i need before i do.

Thank you family and friends, for always being there.

x

Eat,Pray, Love (ok, copyright to Ms.Gilbert,haha).


The Rage
x




***

this is a sample of a video i saw for Kerala--often called as God's Own Country






copyright to ClaudioSilvano's Youtube account

i just remembered...

Picked up by my friend Eve, in her daughter's car one summer night to a girly outing, and i commented(whined) about how 'fat'/'oveweight' i was.

Claire, Eve's daughter (who is fabu-loptuous,in her own way), snapped back:
"Ragen, there's no use whining and complaining about it. Do something about it, instead of complaining".

I said, "but im too lazy".


"Stop complaining then. If you cant face up to the fact that you are a little over your desired weight, exercise, or diet. If you wont, then stop yapping about it!".

Well, Claire talks like that, blunt and honest, esp to us, her mom's closest.


She is right.


The very reason i stopped complaining that i am overweight, and 'heavy' since then (ok,save the occasional whining from time to time to my closest) was because of that conversation in her car...

I know why i am fat. There's no reason why i question the gods 'why?'.. It is not because i eat air for dinner. It is because i love my food, and i dont exercise much.

Period. =)



***

I mention how big i am in most conversations, or if there is a situation that calls for it, to save the other person having to describe me, painstakingly, looking for the most politically correct term for the word "fat".


I suppose, the point of this entry is, if you feel you are fat, then yes, diet, and exercise. If you're too lazy to do so (like me), shut your gob up and accept the reality that my dear, you are fat. and there's no two ways about it...


***

i humor myself most of the time, because i cant be angry at every single person who instinctively calls me such.


i have long given up my sensitivity of being called 'fat' or described as that.

and i think its time you do too.





sheep meat has high fat content...just like mine,LOL